Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Despair to discomfort- CALMING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM/ Amma

I had the amazing fortune to see Amma yesterday. The whole experience was the best ever for me. I generally go once a year for the last five to six years. I have come away enraged, in tears, in joy. This year was very different. I did not have the sense of such a huge differential between her loving Presence and myself. The whole trip was wonderful from beginning to end. We had a blast with my friend and gracious host Miles. We had such interesting conversations which included our waiter and a discussion of his past, present and future. Karin and i had engaging and enlivening conversations frequently. The weather was ideal, the views from Miles's house of the bay and fog delightful. We met such an interesting man at lunch who regaled us with tales of Ram Das, Glastonbury, his neighbor Wayne Dyer and so on. We were late for our darshan time and as we we crept toward the stage for our hug from the hugging saint I was aware of how different this was from previous years. In previous years my nervous system was always over amped by almost everything. I was alway tense and usually very nervous even though I had been releasing anxiety for years. The drive, the restaurant, crowds, waiting in line, even seeing Amma was all overwhelming. This time it was remarkable how calm i was. I really SAW Amma for the first time. I saw a beatific orange robed man standing behind her. My hug was extra long and I was literally having trouble breathing from the intense grip Amma had on me. My friend was watching and said it looked bone crunching. When it was over i looked up at her and stared for a timeless moment into the depths of her eyes, bottomless wells of stillness and Love. She grabbed me again as her hot breath caressed my ears with endearments. Again I looked directly at her falling into those loving eyes. I will not even try to describe my inner experience except with one word, stillness.  I send a huge love wave to Amma for the love she extends to millions and millions.
I slept like a baby last night and never wanted to wake up I felt such peace, a peace that is deepening in my life. Yes, I feel discomfort already creeping back yet I can not remember the last time i felt despair. Now this is huge. Yes, I do not like discomfort and I feel a lot of impatience (finally a non 'd' word.) But clearly the progression is significant. My worst moments now never reach the level of absolute panic and terror they used to reach. I had no idea the journey would be so grueling and long. Yet the sweetness of the peace, the deep love, the tranquility, the intimacy that surpasses anything I have ever been able to t sustain yes, it is worth the price. 
I feel limited when i think what is involved in bring my vision to the world. I feel unprepared and sometimes quite inadequate. I love those scared parts of me as best as I know how. I remember all the other portals I have crossed through while being convinced beforehand that they were impossible. The harmony I feel with my daughter most of the time was in many ways the most challenging and rewarding gateway as i had to tame my ego. I know someone close to me who is so overwhelmed by his nervous system's response to a certain situation. When I try to comfort him, he tells me he can't help it, it is just how his body responds. I know when I realized that to come to total peace, i must retrain my nervous system not to react, I felt it was just not possible. It absolute is possible and I have done it in so many areas. Now it is a game i like (on a good day) to play called tame the reaction. Yesterday I was in line to buy chai at the Amma center. There were two people ahead of me and two cash registers with a person behind both. Nothing was happening so I moved past the people to the further cash register, thinking the first man was helping the other people. I did not ask and the woman I past told me very harshly she was first. I apologized and noticed my body hardly reacted; I thought YEA! score for me but sadly, no. I explained what i thought was happening, that she was already being helped. She said that that was impossible as I could surely see the man was not standing close enough to the register to be helping her. I was stunned. Here we are at Amma and this woman was spewing venom at me after I had so sweetly apologized for my mistake. Now my nervous system was roaring, screaming for justice or, if not, revenge would be equally rewarding. I wanted to justify my position in no uncertain terms. How dare she try to tell me what I had perceived! Outrage. I opened my mouth and said about three words countering her when the Witness stepped in and shut my mouth. Oops, score for the Universe. Nice one. Caught in the act. My soul keeps arranging more intricate lessons yet less harmful, painful and with fewer consequences. I no longer need a baseball bat to the head before I get it. I do see it that way. My oversoul, the Universe, my soul plan whatever you want to call it keeps bring me lessons to learn until i can face things without reacting. Yea, pain in the butt I know yet how else can we be free? Non reaction is non reaction. I loved that I caught it and while internally I was seething, externally I just shut my mouth and observed my own reactivity. Let her live her life. Plus for sure she had to be in a bad place internaLLY TO BE SO REACTIVE. I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO MOVE TO A SMIDGEON OF COMPASSION. Ok my computer decided that is worth capitalizing. So I am going to call it two points for me, one for my very creative hologram arranging little opportunities to reset my nervous system. 
So do i like discomfort?


(That was me with the capitals this time) But I'll take it any day of the week over despair.
Interestingly twice today there was a question of who was next in line. Each time it was resolved with such graciousness and kind spirits. Once the other person went ahead, once I did. Maybe some progress has been made.
So the word plaguing me today is adequate. I was feeling extremely inadequate for the task I have given myself. I allowed myself to cry then love the heaven out of my feelings of inadequacy. Let's see what unfolds.

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