Sunday, June 8, 2014

memo to self- jump into the void with trust and faith

I am considering committing to a massive undertaking. I feel inadequate and unprepared, not up to the task. This feeling is quite familiar, one I have faced every time i have committed to a larger project/task  dream. When we adopted out daughter, i felt incapable of really pulling it off both logistically and as a parent. Basically I felt scared shitless and actually had to put it all on pause as i FACED MAJOR FEARS. My computer decided to emphasize that with capitals. So here i am again. Can I do this task? What is at stake? Am i risking too much? When i decided to travel around the world with a man i had know for just a few months, i was terrified and one night broke down in the middle of a quiet suburban street in Santa Monica. I saw a woman get out of her car and close the door. The normalcy of that act pierced my heart and I collapsed sobbing into a heap. My boyfriend lead me to a tree and told me to hang on. I did so, hugging that massive, rooted tree with all my strength. I managed to board the plane fortified with a box of Truesser's chocolates and colorful underwear (hey, it all counts). I did it despite numerous moments of panic and massive fear. i did it. I was absolutely right. I had lived a very "normal" life before that and I have never returned to anything like the status quo. It has been uncertain, insecure, unpredictable and totally worth it.
I sense I am at another turning point. I have devoted a bit over two decades to healing wounds, restoring wholeness, constantly seeking an embodied knowing of love. I sense that the seeking part of my life will soon be behind me. So what next?
Am I adequately prepared to follow my vision? Sure doesn't feel like it. I am desiring to make the commitment tonight. I have asked for signs and received many although none of them were as crystal clear as other signs that have guided crucial choices. So, since I am still quaking in my boots, i pulled three Osho cards for direction. They are ripeness, consciousness and completion. The signs are quite clear and I have not gotten one negative one. Right after I asked for a sign, a former student emailed me to tell me how the class I had offered was continuing to change her life. Given the decision i need to make, i am going to take that as my sign and say 


At least that is what i hope I am going to do. WIsh me luck!

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