Tuesday, December 17, 2013

divine masculine and taming the nervous system

I dislike the color orange for some reason yet felt drawn to use it now. Perhaps because what I have been up to for the last days has felt edgy. Like so much of my life, I haven't seen the shores of my comfort zone in quite some time. I am pushing the edges of my own envelope, expanding myself into some very necessary yet uncomfortable places. They all seem to reside in the area of the divine masculine. 
Several weeks ago I had a session with an energetic healer who reconnected some links between my right and left brain hemispheres and relieved the tremendous pressure I was feeling in my frontal lobes. That definitely freed something in me. In addition, my understanding is this is the time for the reconnection of the divine masculine and feminine. Like usual, I am right there with the shifting times. 
I have spent much of the last two days doing tasks that scare me. They tend to activate my nervous system into a state of agitation which is why I have spent so much of my life avoiding these type of tasks. I have ordered my taxes, created two domain names, started developing a web site, cleared up paperwork, paid bills where the money felt less than available to pay, did technical things on my computer and read a technical article, tried to figure out why my new phone and headset were inoperative, actually looked at the owners manual of same. SHEW! In the past any one of these activities would have sent my nervous system into an uproar. My strategy was to do such activities one by one and stop when I started to get too freaked or grouchy. Somehow for these two days I have managed many hours of such activities with minimal reaction from my nervous system. HURRAY. Several awarenesses are arising now. The first is how often I have tried to push myself into activities before the seed was ready to germinate. I spent years feeling ashamed and guilty that all I could manage was day to day activities such as getting dressed and driving my daughter hither and yon. Often even that was a huge stretch with hours of hammock time sandwiched between any excursions into the world. Just a year or two ago, to venture to the city was an event requiring herculean courage. My point being I tried to force myself against my own timing, never trusting Myself or my process. That is dramatically changing. If I am tired, I don't kick myself around the block, I rest. If I really can't do it, same, I trust myself and don't do it. I find when my energy is fresh I can go gangbusters, if not I just piddle around anyway. Yet I was always afraid if I didn't get with it, all hell would break loose and I'd end up on the streets or something equally dire. Maybe not so severe yet there was a constant feeling of threat.
Here's what is changing. I really get I am not and never could have been, should have been in charge of this process of waking up to my true nature as Love. I have taken my hands off the steering wheel and am now enjoying a much smoother ride. I am trusting my own timing. I am so appreciative of what I have been through and how much courage it has taken to go on. I am very appreciative of myself  instead of berating myself for my perceived inadequacies. I am letting all the seeds I have planted sprout in their timing, not mine. I have gotten out of the habit of looking how to blame myself when things don't unfold as I think they should.
Matt Kahn said we need to slow down enough that we can begin to heal our nervous systems so we feel safe in the world. I realize this is what I have been attempting to do all my life and I am seeing the fruits of my labors. I feel safe and calm more frequently than not. I usually am at peace. I still am not feeling the bells and whistle some are, I am not in bliss or even joy. Yet I am so grateful for all the gifts my attention to wholing myself are bringing. I am learning to stay the course without back seating driving, just taking it moment to moment. I am having a bit of hope and deeper trust arise that I will survive and even thrive. I am pulling in support and encouragement. I am taking risk, trying new things, going new places, meeting new people,. I often feel scared as I do it yet I congratulate myself on doing it anyway. I went to a party Saturday where I only knew one person. They were doing improvisation (scary) yet I felt drawn to it and got my darling little butt in the car and just did it. Oh yea, I loved it and had a blast!
Beloveds, we live in such amazing times. Can you catch any of the wonder and mystery? I wonder who I will be and what my life will look like next year or even next week. Stay tuned, my sense is we are just about to leave the launch pad. 

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