Monday, December 2, 2013

wholing emptiness and loneliness

My energy has been very inward for some time again. A week ago I had a session with someone that has changed my trajectory. Several things came to my awareness that were quite disorienting and unsettling. The first that I will write about separately was how powerfully I had been dominated by a spiritual ego that had me locked into a particular identification, boxing me in. The second was about my relationship to loneliness and emptiness. Loneliness I saw as a result of my having fairly minimal social contact. While this has been my choice, I still saw it as a problem that could be resolved with more social interaction. What the person giving the session pointed out was that if I seek social contact from a place of loneliness, I will only exasperate the feeling of loneliness. I see that is true. Yesterday the isolated feeling arose even as I was interacting with a loved one. I saw her leaving in a few hours and felt lonely. It was increasingly clear to me that the answer to that isolated feeling is not more social contact. It is another inside job. 
This morning I opened my Way of Mastery hoping it might help me fall back to sleep. In it Jeshua was talking about how he loved to observe the mystery of life and then witness how he too was a vast mystery, an unknowable miracle. I see that ultimately this is the only way to whole myself  from loneliness. To see, to feel, to know my own vastness. Which brings me to the other quality that has been bring itself to my awareness, emptiness. 
Emptiness has been the source of so much pain. It is the feeling that drives me to sugar, to overeating, overconsumption, to want to escape. Both of these feelings are now in my awareness to be returned to wholeness. In the session he guided me to a completly different experience of emptiness. While I can never encapsulate it into words, the best word I know is Home. I dove into the emptiness and arrived Home. Instead of an enemy to escape, the emptiness turned out to be a doorway to vastness, to spaciousness, to eternity. I had never understood the teachings about formless awareness. It sound unpleasant and nothing I would desire. Yet the direct experience proved otherwise and I can now know why it is the ultimate. I can grok how emptiness is the answer to loneliness. Paradox indeed. I can feel how form limits and boxes me in to preconceived answers to limitless questions. I doubt I can really articulate what arose in me yet perhaps this is a taste of what I came to know.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I found myself returned to the place I had never left, Home. The experience only lasted briefly and then I could feel myself attempting to find markers to flag the way home. I wanted to grasp the experience as it slipped through my mind. Of course, that was not possible yet the taste of the vast emptiness without form or boundaries was perhaps enough to help me return more gracefully.
He also pointed out something I knew, that I use the computer to form a sense of connection and belonging to antidote the loneliness. I knew that of course and was very happy to have found such meaningful relationships. At one time they were essential to my return to the living. He instructed me to drastically cut my computer time. Among other things, he said the frequency the computer emits negated the work in consciousness I am doing. I am not fully aware of how true this might be so I am experimenting with his suggestion to see how it shifts my frequency and my relationship to loneliness and to my spiritual ego. I see how this blog and my responses on TWYH have sometimes lead me to feeling a sense of an inflated ego, of me being the “spiritually advanced” one. This does not serve me or anyone and actually adds to a sense of separation.
Initially I had witnessed how I was devoting less time to this blog because I found myself not enjoying writing in a vacuum. I had always hope to create a forum for people to share ideas, dreams, awareness, challenges yet that never developed. I found myself not motivated to write without an exchange. I am considering adding a donation button partially for that reason. Yet for now I see even with a dialogue here, it is time for me to dive more deeply into myself until I can love this emptiness and loneliness back to wholeness. I have used this process to whole my previous life long anxiety, overwhelm and feeling like I did not belong on this planet, that I was an alien here. As I did with those challenges, I have a doll to help me anchor my altered relationship to these qualities. I am loving myself whenever those feelings arise, saying slow “I love you’s, I love me’s” to my heart. I am hugging my loneliness doll baby and assuring myself of my continued love, regardless of what feelings arise.
 I have a few more blogs burning through yet I wanted to share with you, my dear blog family, why, for now, I will not being visiting with you so frequently. I am diving into my own vastness to discover a taste of the mystery living there, to love myself Home. I will be holding each of you in my heart, knowing our Oneness, knowing the majesty and unfathomable magnificence of each of us.

P.s. I will be checking in regularly, if you have a question or comment I would be happy to respond as I feel inspired.

hours after writing this, I found this from Matt Kahn:

Realization is a willingness to taste the emptiness of your true nature.
 Enlightenment is when that taster

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