I have let this one sit on the shelf to marinate as it is so important yet so slippery at times I can barely catch what I am revealing to myself. When a beloved teacher (and I do not use that terms lightly as I have now transformed all most all of my former teachers into mentors at most, taking them off the pedestal of superiority I use to project on to them) shared with me that I was potentially going to pull in a situation to kick my beloved tushy out of lock down on my spiritual ego I felt myself contract big time. I literally developed a rash within a day. The contraction was
H U G E.
As he pointed out to me how my rather large spiritual ego had imprisoned me into the very thing I most desire to release, separation, I felt my head literally begin to spin. Initially the feeling was as though my brain was being rewired, reconnected, reconstituted. When I mention this, he said it was. Now I do cellular memory release work which involves shifting the brain's neural nets yet I had never before felt it happening IN THE MOMENT. Friends, I was in no man's land, lost with no handholds as I felt the very foundation of my life shift and crumble. I SAW what I had unable to see before, how this spiritual identity chained me into certain behaviors, certain prescribed roles of what a "spiritual" person does. I had already been aware of how it creates a sense of superiority, that was the only side of this bad boy I had been basically aware of. I saw how every conversation, every interaction had to be about spirituality in order to be "meaningful." I had had the chance to own it a few years before when someone called me guru girl and believe me, she did not mean it as a compliment. Yet I was so blind, I thought it was funny and I laughed at myself. I actually thought it was cute. I almost entirely missed the shadow side of it.
Yet as I sat on my deck having my phone session, luckily on a warm, lovely day, I felt the ground beneath me liquify and finally I could SEE. I will never be able to fully articulate it with words. I felt how, as he said, this spiritual identity had created a sense of isolation as people would have to agree or disagree with my spiritual ideas. If people were not interested in spirituality I cut them off, for the most part. I have someone close to me who is extremely focused on just one thing. He sees it as the only way he can enjoy life, love, live. I always feel a very deep sadness as I see how much joy he misses because he can only allow one thing to give him this joy. Projection again, sigh. ☹ I was doing the same thing only I could not see it. If it wasn't spiritual, it was off my radar screen. I was missing so much of the richness of life. Somehow I am able to partially drop it when I am in Europe with my outlaws (former in laws). There I drink some wine, coffee, eat sweets, take gorgeous excursions and trips and just enjoy the moment. I saw it as a vacation from my "real" life. I am so much more relaxed there generally. No wonder.
You have no idea what a release and shift this is for me. I had used my commitment to clearing the obstacle to love, which is part of my deepest devotion, to create a proscribed path with certain boundaries and "rules" and then shut out anything I did not see fitting within those parameters. Holy cow. I had yoked myself to a warden who constantly corralled me with her rules ✔ and regulations ✄ about spirituality. Not fun. ☁ Where's the joy in that? ☟
So this teacher proscribed an antidote for this spiritual ego. It includes less time on the computer, never beginning a spiritual conversation, (luckily I am allowed to "speak" spirituality if someone asks me. ☺) and a few other tasks. I immediately saw how I have had this identify as the teacher, the one with wisdom, the one who knows what is going on. Yes, it is my passion and true self yet is mixed with a toxic shades of inflation, superority and separation. Very subtle mind you as one of my greatest gifts is my ability to share my vulnerability and shadow with ease. Not coming in with what I "know" or an answer when someone has a challenge is helping me break down the rescuer identity I have derived so much self worth from. I do find it very difficult not to respond when I see someone suffering. I sense that most of it is my true compassionate nature yet in order to eliminate the rescuer I am choosing to keep my mouth shut and only send heartfelt love waves to whoever is in pain. Several times in relationship where that has been my role, I could not stop myself from sharing what I know about the energies of these times. Yet I was very aware I was doing it and it is slowly getting easier. Luckily a few people have asked me what is going on and then I am allowed to have at it. ☝ So all in all this has been a crack in my previous reality and I am still riding the waves of trasnformation. I am beyond delighted that I was gifted with the abundance that allowed me to connect to this teacher. Day by day I am recognizing the abundance that has always been there supporting me.
Ultimately what I am now beginning to grok for the first time is that the answer to all my questions is formless awareness. Those words were meaningless to me until this teacher helped me have a direct experience that took me Home. Luckily our time together jumped me to a different timeline where I get to bust the chops of that formerly imprisoning identity without a major kick in the butt (thank you God.) I am totally willing, ready and able to be the prototype for getting these lessons in Love the easy, graceful way, oh yea.
Last night I was at my temple group. Somehow this shift away from a prescribed identity made it so much easier just to drop into loving expression in our little groups. I noticed that when it came time to say goodbye, I somehow jumped back into an isolated "identity" that felt separate. I had compassion for myself. At the end of our practice, we were each given new temple names. I love my old one so will keep it too, luscious earthy love wave. My new one fits the me emerging from the rubble of my former identity, formless emptiness flying in laughter. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡