Tuesday, December 24, 2013

what is my Source? letting the light shine from my tree

A huge awareness just popped in. I want to get it down to help anchor it. It is the taste of freedom roaring in on a dragon's wing. I have been sitting with my financial situation for about a year, getting no where fast. Despite a number of attempts, my plans to bring in income have just sputtered along. I recently became aware I was trying to create abundance and that the trying came from ego, from effort, from control and would never really fly. So then I felt in quite the dilemma; if I try I fail, if I don't have income, how will I support myself and my daughter?
Many years ago I said that the markets were the source of our freedom. For many years my wasband and I were able to play in the financial markets to buy us the freedom to live the lives we wished, devoted to our various pursuits, his being art, mine is awakening to Love. When I made that comment about the markets being our source of freedom to a woman we were visiting in Santa Fe she said, no, they are not your source, your Spirit is your source, or something to that affect. I remember the conversation crystal clear even though so much has faded from my mind and this was about two decades ago.
So when my finances started unraveling awhile back I saw the Universe was seeking my attention. We had survived many market crisis and sailed along. Now that foundation was crumbling.  Yet I was not able to get the full message or to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I kept asking the Mystery (my new favorite term for the Gods, Universe, Love, Divine, what have you) to answer my questions, to help me know how to accomplish things without trying, to resolve the paradox. A huge piece of the riddle unfolded just now. 
A few weeks ago I pulled out old papers from my Master's program and began tossing many of them. I held back a few to read over to decide whether to keep them. Somehow I never got around to it and had to throw them in a corner to clean up for my ritual. So last night I pulled them out and looked through them by the lights of my twinkling Christmas tree. Oh, my God, the symbolism could not be more perfect. I read two papers in particular, one about a relationship project with a relative to heal our wounds and another about my challenge in seeing myself as worthy in my family of origin since I do not meet the family standards of success which include doctors, lots, lawyers, lots, a senator, several big officials in Washington D.C. , an investment banker etc. I also reviewed a number of rating scales I had created to evaluate where I was in the areas of being self loving, releasing judgment and so on. On those scales I had made huge progress and almost complete reached my goal. Yet on the self worth, self acceptance without a sizzling career and with my relationship project I had not shifted so much. I noticed it without judgment, perhaps a little sadness. 
While I was sorting my papers, I was listening to a message from Lisa Renee. I could not really concentrate so I began this morning as I was cleaning up again. I had tried to read the post with no luck. So I was wondering around picking up and this picture coalesced within as I listened to her read the post. She talks about the tree of life and how you have to have strong roots to progress. I had recently come to understand how so many people focused on the spiritual side of life can be top-heavy, meaning they totally value love and spirituality yet they have trouble grounding, dealing with first chakra survival issues, have financial problems and so on. This seems almost like an epidemic in spiritual circles. I saw how I was caught in the same trap.
Now understand I already knew all of this intellectually yet listening to Lisa's words this morning it was as thought the light came on, hence the perfection of the symbolism last night, lights on a tree twinkling me awake. I really KNOW now this is my task, to break all attachment to love, success, safety being externalized. I have gotten a few little kicks lately not to place my source of love on friends, my joy on externals and now my safety and survival on money. THEY ARE NOT MY SOURCE! Could it be any more clear? All this is happening to force me to get that my Source was and is internal,  connection to the Divine, to the Mystery. It is to guide me into strengthening my root chakra, the roots of my tree of life by KNOWING I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE CONNECTED TO SOURCE, TO UNLIMITEDNESS, TO ABUNDANCE. These are benevolent forces bring my attention to what is not yet Whole. I also saw an entirely new level of projection I had made on my family and one relative in particular, that they were judging me for being unworthy. I then starting projecting on myself as unworthy and had to do many years of awakening self love. I took it personally, at least initially, when it is really this virus loose on humanity that has so many if not all of us at one time or another questioning our value and worth. BULLSHIT! How dare we question our own magnificence, our own wonder. I see it in you, time to me it in myself. It is good and very good. So I know to turn over the paradox to the Mystery, aware there is absolutely no way I can try to figure this out, to resolve this dilemma. So I remain clueless to a "solution" I am just clued in to how the answer will unfold. A lovely Christ mas present indeed.
Wishing you love, abundance, joy and wonder for this holiday and always. So much love


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