Friday, July 18, 2014

choice or victim? more inflation on limitation

I continue to examine how i have let myself be trapped by my perceived limitations. Last night I bravely refused to take an herbal sleeping pill. I did in fact sleep through the night, despite waking up in the middle of the night and realizing I was at a choice point to believe I could not fall asleep again, especially without a pill. Yet I slept almost nine hours with nothing. For the last 2 1/2 weeks i have used these pills to sleep, coffee to wake up. Today no coffee because I am tired of limiting myself in that way. I already had a long walk and am feeling so grateful I finally saw more clearly the trap i had set for myself. I was feeling so victimized by my physical constraints. I was looking into the past and projecting them into the future, afraid how they would play out. 
Years ago I saw how my mind had imprisoned me and took a long time ago to release that. Then maybe five years ago I saw how my emotions had dominated and controlled me. I have always been told I am extremely emotional and that was true until I saw the limits and recognized how my emotions pushed me into drama and upset. Slowly I learned to take dominion of them. Now I must do the same with the body. Each time initially it seemed an overwhelming task. Yet I get increasingly how it has never been Me that frees me, rather a grace that carries me. I felt such relief and freedom at 3 am the other night when I saw the way I had locked myself in. Finally I was able to open the door to my freedom, releasing the almost unbearable heaviness of those limits. To me it is clear 2014 is the year many of our limits are being brought to the surface. The cost of our limits seems to increase rapidly, making them more easily apparent. We have no choice about whether or not they surface, or only choice is to feel victimized or empowered as we face these previous limits.
I am certainly not free and clear. My lower blood pressure was alarmingly high just now and my body continues to feel squeezed. Yet I feel such gratitude that I am not falling into my old beliefs and conditioning and freaking out. I had tears of joy as i sensed that I can truly embrace myself as unlimited, as powerful, as magnificent. I can also accept that it is not occurring in my timing, that it is way longer then I could have ever imagined. That alone could sink me if I let it yet I will not let it. Do we have choice or are we victims of our fears? We do not have choice until our consciousness reaches a level that we can SEE the choice. Yet when we do the door is wide open and we can float to our infinite natures, one step at a time.

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