finding new life

July has been an uneasy month for me mixed with this strange release of scarcity and a calm certainty. One moment the unease rules me, the next the calm. What is clear to me is where my consciousness rest affects me in a powerful new way. When I can not sleep, I have trained myself to think about my unlimited potential, my ability to restore myself and others to wholeness. Works like a charm and I often fall back into a childlike sleep. On the other hand if I get caught up in my “problems” or concerns for myself, another or the future, I twist and turn, unable to sleep. I have had moments of such beauty, such connection, such unease, such panic, such indifference. 

I have a metaphor for these times. I received a beautiful magnolia tree for my birthday in May. The tree is temperamental and has not respond well to my intermittent attention. Twice I forgot to water it for several days. Most of my plants can handle that, this one can not. So all her beautiful leaves dropped away leaving her barren and brown. I was sad and decided as an experiment to restore her to life. I send love several times a day, kiss her brown leaves, water her when I remember but always focus on love and life. Nothing seemed to be happening and it seemed I should give up the ghost but I kept at it with caresses and water. Yesterday a miracle occurred as numerous green shoots appeared overnight. What seemed clearly dead is slowly coming back to live. And so it goes in my life. Much feels dead and brown. Several aspects of my life feel unbearable while so many other things are cause for infinite gratitude and thanks. The troubled parts pull my attention more yet when I feed those thoughts, I sink like a boulder. When I feed my thoughts of being limitless, I soar. 

I am tired of the effort, of the sense of needing to be so tenacious, of the feeling the journey is endless. When those thoughts arise, I love them, bless all those parts of myself that want to throw in the towel. I am getting very good at this by being very consequent because the cost of staying in those limits is so high for me. I actually had a few moments of joy that nourished me like water for my tree. I’ll take them and whatever else arises because I’ve come too far to turn back now and because I really have no other choice except despair. My darlings, I send you my love and encouragement. Yes we can.