Saturday, January 12, 2013

soul agreements

I have been contemplating soul agreements for some time, amazed at the intricacy of the scripts that often play out in service to our healing, particularly when we set powerful intentions for transformation. I am still stunned at the way the dissolution of my marriage compelled so many subconscious patterns to the surface, forcing a massive transformation. 
I am writing this today because I find it very useful to be aware of when these agreements are playing out. Having enough altitude to recognize these agreements and witness repeatedly how they ultimate are vitally instrumental in restoring us to wholeness, allows me to become more neutral and forgiving when these uncomfortable patterns arise.
A loved one and I have a very momentous soul agreement. Her Leo/lion often has tangles with my Tarsus/bull energy for some fairly intense entanglements. Over the years they have diminished in frequency and strength yet are still significant. Recently high drama ensued with a seemingly unfortunate consequence. (As always I speak in general terms as I find it easy to be an open book yet my loved ones are much more private and I respect their preferences. In addition, I find these tell all portrayals shaming and not the ideal way to heal.) It certainly got my attention and brought my control issue to the fore. Throw in my “guru girl” spiritual ego and we have an unfortunate combination it is time for me to heal at a deeper level. I have been aware of my control issues for many years and see how it ties deeply to my father. My father died years ago so I feel more comfortable speaking about his influence on me. For me, my dad was an absolute authoritarian figure who instilled terror in me. I learned the belief that either I was controlled or I assumed control. I chose the later to the misfortune (seemingly) of those close to me. Yet I know they have their own soul agreements and thus I play a part in helping them heal their victim pattern or whatever their issue may be.
This latest example a week ago stopped me in my tracks and I said ENOUGH! My filter is now scanning for my controlling, “holier than thou” behavior and it is not pretty. Yet I do not judge myself, rather I have deep compassion as I know how overpowering my conditioning was. Yet I am unwilling to allow it to continue. I have set an ardent intention to clear out this pattern for the last time. The main way I am doing this is by zipping it (my mouth) when I feel myself about to tell this person what is best. Huge amounts of conditioning by my family and society feel like they are burying me in the command to take control. It literally feels like this person is in danger if I do not direct her actions. I physically feel the weight of the conditioning; that awareness is gained through years of meditation that allows me to observe myself and my reactions. I feel agitation arise in my gut, my stomach clenches and my jaw tightens with the effort to keep it shut. My mind races, screaming DANGER!! Yet I have developed enough self control through years of training to not act on these energies, rather to witness them. Yes, it takes concentration. Yet when I surrender to an awareness, an Intelligence that is able to see the big picture, miracles ALWAYS ensue. I was so sure I knew best, yet three separate seemingly miraculous solutions have arisen to resolve what I perceived as dangerous situations in a totally unexpected manner. You’d think by now I’d get use to it, yet my mouth is often hanging open, going “huh?!” I am slowly developing more trust which makes it easier to surrender the next time. The solutions are so elegant and so unforeseen. Ya gotta love it! Perhaps you may want to review your life to see if you can begin to witness the patterns playing out and the characters you’ve assigned certain roles to help bring those patterns to awareness and, ultimately, to transformation and healing. It’s kind of like a good detective novel. For me, it is getting to be almost fun and certainly endlessly fascinating. As always, the feelings of peace and liberation are so worth the price of admission. Want to play with me? Feel free to comment on any patterns you recognize or need assistance with.

p.s. About 10 minutes after writing this blog, I got caught arguing with someone else's ego. I did not feel very reactive but mildly annoyed and hurt. We both pull back and within minutes I realized my error was in listening the voice of her ego as though it spoke the truth. My ego spouts a bunch of nonsense and this person is great at ignoring it. I need to learn the same skill. At least I didn't go toe to toe but it was a close call not to fall into major drama. Yea for presence!! Yea for awareness and clarity!

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