Dorothy, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore (wizard of Oz reference.) My energy field feels very different yet very good. Life is so much easier for me. I see triggers and somehow feel myself about to step on the bomb and am able to pull back and make another choice. As a silly example, my dear friend Karin wanted to get a photo I had taken and use it as her business card. I had not yet downloaded my photos and was concerned about letting her use the memory card without having about five months of photos on my computer yet. I had been unable to download them for one reason and another. The day we were to do it, I felt an anxious drop in my stomach and I watched the story of lost photos and irritation begin to churn in my head. As I felt my body tighten, I made a conscious choice to change that story line, see everything going smooth, feel grateful I could help my friend and let go of my previous over attachment to my photos. I once had an absolute shit fit when on safari in Kenya because I missed a photo of some cheetahs playing. I was so freaked our driver stayed in the park after hours so I would calm down. Happily, it ended well as because of that we happened upon two ostriches doing a mating dance. That event was so visually stunning I remember it clearly to this day. O.K. back to my example. So this was a big deal for me. Yet it turned out exactly as rehearsed and all is well.
I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently.
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.
I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently.
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.
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