Monday, January 21, 2013

following the line of energy

Dorothy, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore (wizard of Oz reference.) My energy field feels very different yet very good. Life is so much easier for me. I see triggers and somehow feel myself about to step on the bomb and am able to pull back and make another choice. As a silly example, my dear friend Karin wanted to get a photo I had taken and use it as her business card.  I had not yet downloaded my photos and was concerned about letting her use the memory card without having about five months of photos on my computer yet. I had been unable to download them for one reason and another. The day we were to do it, I felt an anxious drop in my stomach and I watched the story of lost photos and irritation begin to churn in my head. As I felt my body tighten, I made a conscious choice to change that story line, see everything going smooth, feel grateful I could help my friend and let go of my previous over attachment to my photos. I once had an absolute shit fit when on safari in Kenya because I missed a photo of some cheetahs playing. I was so freaked our driver stayed in the park after hours so I would calm down. Happily, it ended well as because of that we happened upon two ostriches doing a mating dance. That event was so visually stunning I remember it clearly to this day. O.K. back to my example. So this was a big deal for me. Yet it turned out exactly as rehearsed and all is well.

I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently. 
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.

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