Friday, January 25, 2013

choosing the leap of faith- updated


I have changed the title of this post as I initially referred to another's crisis of faith. I realize I am NOT having a crisis of faith. I have been mildly discouraged and definitely not in my preferred embodied bliss yet I am super aware that what is coming forwarded are aspects of my personality still in need of healing. These are parts of myself that were either flying under my radar or I had falsely presumed were completely healed. My experiences for about a month forced me to witness what a big, yet previously unconscious, role irritation has played in my life. My big left toe has been infected for over two month and the symbolic meaning has to do with irritation. Once I placed my focus there, I saw how often I was irritated and how powerfully that irritation irritated my body, the big toe just being one example. My continuing challenge with a service company that began in May served as the perfect foil for this lesson. They broke their word repeatedly and failed to resolve the problem or show up as scheduled over many months. When I witnessed how irritated I was, how my body would heat up, I finally got the lesson. I saw how even low grade irritation limits me and keeps me in the prison of judgment. As soon as I got it, they literally showed up the next morning and fixed the problem. Previously whenever they did actually show up, I would greet them with irritation about how long it was taking. They would invariably either not have the part they needed, forget to do something or cancel at the last minute. This time I greeted the employee with laugher, seeing the joke was on me. I saw clearly how they had served me by bring this limitation to my conscious awareness. I smiled, knowing all was well and not surprisingly, he was able to complete the job. Now I just need the city to sign off on the inspection and this chapter will be complete.

The next lesson I had thought healed is emotionally flat lining. I had chosen this route in my late 20's to mitigate the unending anguish I felt being so emotionally volitile. I actually succeeded in becoming emotionally dead and felt almost nothing for about a decade. It took years of awareness to reverse that debilitating trajectory. To have it resurface now was not fun. I am very grateful that I am going through this primarily as the witness with little reactivity. I felt myself go into story and upset with a possible crisis of faith erupting yet I was able to pull back and stay centered enough to allow this to unfold and heal. I have been down the story/upset road enough times to know it never ends well. Luckily yesterday tiny buds of pleasure and feelings are emerging. To have no feelings, to be indifferent to the love around me has been one of my worst nightmares. To be able to hold fast in witness/ allowance as this has occurred has been a true test of faith. Luckily , I have been up to the task with a few moments of rejection bleeding through. I do have faith this will lead me to greater love. Yes, I am not enjoying the process. Yes, I wish it were over. Yes, I will allow this releasing to do its magic until I again taste freedom, joy, home and my essence, love.

The last week or so has not been particularly enjoyable. I am feeling flat lined. All things that gave me such joy and pleasure now seemingly don't touch me. Nothing really moves me or brings in joy. The ground beneath me continues to dissolve. My The Course in Miracles, Way of Mastery don't really come alive, nor do my closest relationships or other foundational aspects of my previous life. My sense is a major clearing is underway and I have been surprisingly neutral about it, just observing it for the most part. I have moments when I want to stamp my foot and say "ENOUGH!" but I know that gets me nowhere, just digs me in further so for the most part I can let the triggers pass by. Reading another's crisis of faith made me more certain these are whatever energies are afoot so I share here in case you are feeling something similar. I share another's crisis even though his particular focus does not really speak to me, whether or not we are being supported by non earth entities. I know that I have guides and teachers in non physical form and that is enough for me, I don't speculate further. But it feels right to share the link here. I send you love and support as we clear the next waves on our journey home to ourselves.

and this wonderful comment from Think with your Heart really speaks the truth, as far as my experience tells me:

Hi Yonatan…I totally understand how you feel – it’s a constant battle to stay positive (I know, believe me)- I highly recommend Dana Mrkich new post on FB to perhaps lift your spirits (it did mine) here’s an extract…..’On a personal level our new gratitude intentions suddenly have us confronting a barrage of unexpected bills and a head full of fearful, lack-oriented thoughts. Our commitment to deeper acceptance brings up a wealth of anger and resentment that has been simmering under the surface for years. Our decision to look for meaningful work is met by the offer of a promotion at our current job and our resolution to open up to our soulmate often invites phone calls from ex’s. Our desire for more creativity and passion triggers a bout of self-doubt and depression.
This ‘dust’ that has been raised is often misinterpreted by people as ‘My intentions aren’t working! Everything is as bad as ever if not worse!’ Meanwhile our energy must feel very frustrated, because here it is thinking it is helping us in the greatest way possible and we are feeling like it is sabotaging us or ignoring us!
Our energy helps us by shining a spotlight into every nook and cranny of our being in direct response to our new intentions. It highlights and magnifies every belief, every thought pattern, every past experience, every cellular memory and every personality aspect that is connected to our new intention including the ways in which those parts of us are working against our new intention. This spotlight is showing us: Look, this is what you believe, this is how you think, this is the part of you that has been creating that old reality, and here is the part of you that needs to awaken if you want to create a different, new reality. Our energy holds up mirrors in front of us: Look, this is how you see yourself, this is how you feel about yourself, this is what you believe you are worth, this is what you’ve been attracting and here is why.
This process happens to us individually, and it is happening right now very intensely on a collective level. As a society we are being called to a higher level of intentions regarding how we want our world to look and feel.’ ….There’s lots more if any of this resonates. Just thought I’d share it as the going has been so tough recently, (personally esp since 21/12!) With love, frances x

Today's oracle report speaks to the challenge and an antidote- being in nature and connecting to Gaia  January 25


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