My primal fear is up again. I know it comes down to separation and it is just my particular flavor I need to heal. It is heating up to the core and it seems I just have two more layers to release. My two final barriers- the first is believing someone is essential to my well being, to my ability to be grounded and be safe. I am down to just one special relationship. After years of effort, I have finally cleared the only other special relationship I was still using to shield myself from the pain of separation. The second barrier is death but luckily that is not on my plate right now.
Some days I feel wonderful, deeply connected to myself, whole, trusting, relaxed, peaceful, calm. Other days like today I feel afraid, edgy, doubtful, desperate to connect outside myself, lost. A whole new physical element has been added to my experience yet I want to write about that later. For now, I am trying to ride wave after wave of feeling separate. I watch myself scramble to arrange fun activities, meetings and so on. I no longer even try to delude myself that I can eat or shop these feelings away. Sometimes the waves feel endless and I fear drowning in them. I am so tempted to answer it with another relationship, phone call, external connection. And I am reaching out and meeting others. Yet I know that is not the answer, that leaves me as a puppet, on the string of external events and people. I know it is time to heal this for the last time. I am laying in my hammock, breathing deeply, trying to hang on to the feelings of trust that felt so solid just yesterday. I see clearly, oh so clearly. I have the taste in my mouth of that profound freedom and liberation. Yet for now fear is nibbling at my heels. All I can do is allow it to be as it is, to let go of yesterday's faith and trust, to surrender to today's doubt and anxiety and say YES to even this.
Some days I feel wonderful, deeply connected to myself, whole, trusting, relaxed, peaceful, calm. Other days like today I feel afraid, edgy, doubtful, desperate to connect outside myself, lost. A whole new physical element has been added to my experience yet I want to write about that later. For now, I am trying to ride wave after wave of feeling separate. I watch myself scramble to arrange fun activities, meetings and so on. I no longer even try to delude myself that I can eat or shop these feelings away. Sometimes the waves feel endless and I fear drowning in them. I am so tempted to answer it with another relationship, phone call, external connection. And I am reaching out and meeting others. Yet I know that is not the answer, that leaves me as a puppet, on the string of external events and people. I know it is time to heal this for the last time. I am laying in my hammock, breathing deeply, trying to hang on to the feelings of trust that felt so solid just yesterday. I see clearly, oh so clearly. I have the taste in my mouth of that profound freedom and liberation. Yet for now fear is nibbling at my heels. All I can do is allow it to be as it is, to let go of yesterday's faith and trust, to surrender to today's doubt and anxiety and say YES to even this.
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