Special relationships are the ego’s most cherished prize according to the teachings of The Course in Miracles and The Way of Mastery. I spent most of my life healing from this error, learning why they don’t create the desired complete heart/soul connection, answer our most exquisite yearning for unity or heal our ultimate sense of separation- in fact they increase it after the initial euphoria wears off. In the early stage, they recreate the feeling tone of unity, of home so it is no wonder we are so completely taken in by them. A special relationship is where one views anyone or anything outside of oneself as the source of wholeness, well being or happiness. I understood the concept intellectually for years yet it was only when I saw myself acting like a puppet in increasing agony as my marriage crumbled that I finally had the genuine motivation and awareness to release that addiction. Still I got caught again a few months later in a twisted friendship that hopefully cleared the last residue of the attraction of seeing another as my Source. Now it took decades and years of attention to heal this particular pattern within. As always my primary tool is Presence and the main way I have moved into Presence is with a few tools- The Course in Miracles and The Way of Mastery are teachings I have used I have to say almost religiously. My Master’s from University of Santa Monica, and Cellular Memory Release along with the teachings of Eckhart Tolle were my other primary supports on this journey.
I know several people who are using special relationships as their source right now and witnessing their pain and agony has spurred me to review this topic. Our culture trains and conditions us to believe in romantic love as the perfect antidote to all of life’s problems and the answer to all of life’s pain. Because the holy relationship is the closet we can come to heaven on earth ( according to The Course in Miracles and my own experience) it is very easy to get confused. In holy relationship, one recognizes one’s own wholeness and holiness and joins with another to extend love and man oh man is that yummy. The feeling of being home, of arriving back in the feeling tone of joy, completion, unlimitedness, homecoming is truly indescribable yet delicious beyond words. So no wonder we fall again and again into the illusion of seeking our answers in another. Witnessing the excruciating sense of separation that arises when either things don’t work out or one is separated from that loved one for whatever reason was the catalyst for this post. I recognized how profoundly sad I felt observing a loved one’s pain as he is experiencing this sense of separation. I wondered why it triggered such grief in me. I realized it is for two reasons. First, it is very sad for me to see someone I care about so ardently suffer so extremely. Second, I recognized in a way I had been aware of yet never fully grasped how the special relationship causes people to put most of their attention and energy on that relationship to the exclusion of all others. One of my dearest friends told me how much she appreciated me and desired friendship with me years ago yet sensed (accurately) that I was not really open to a deeper friendship while I was focused on my special relationships with my daughter and husband. I have an acquaintance who is ending her relationship with her boyfriend, not by choice. She had begged me to visit her and I did so. Her soon to be former partner asked her a question and she literally ignored me the whole time I was there, other than to offer me some food. She actually said at one point she could not concentrate while her soon to be ex partner and I spoke together so she left the room! It didn’t bother me other than to be in awe of the power of the emphasis on that relationship even as it is crumbling away. In another circumstance I have realized someone I care about is so intent on a special relationship that he is rarely actual present in the rest of his life. I realized this was the source of my unfathomable grief that day- recognizing how much of my life I missed because of my intense focus exclusively on those few relationships I prayed would “save” me. I also allowed myself to grieve the missed connection with those around me who do not see me because their attention is exclusively trained on their special relationships. I grieved as I recognized so clearly the overwhelming sense of loss. So much of life can pass us by while we are looking somewhere else. I know I can not clearly convey this with words yet I hope you can get a taste of what I am suggesting. In the case of this loved one, I would see his restlessness, his eyes glaze over, his eyes glance past me, not really seeing me or taking me in. What a mirror! I was forced to grieve the millions of times I had done the same and to vow to let it be a lesson I need not repeat.
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