Saturday, March 2, 2013

intentions and self responsibility

I bought a doll from outer space yesterday and named her Una Verse. She has a little pet I named Una T. Una Verse has shooting stars in the iris of her eyes. They both have space helmets. At first I wanted to toss the helmet yet decided it fits. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath here and could only breath fully on another planet. I always told my wasband he needed to get over the fact that he is Austrian. I need to get over the fact that I am human. 

I've had a pretty good week and by pretty good I mean no moments where I have feared for my sanity. I am also playing with intentions and realizing how critical they are for me to have a good day. I set intentions for everything. I have done this for years but it has been very general ones intending to have a peaceful, loving, joyful day. My intentions are much more specific now. I say how much money I want to bring in, how all my interactions are filled with grace, what I intend to create. I am playing with these powers and seeing how frequently my little, non attached intentions are realized. This of course give me more confidence to create more.

This morning I felt anxiety start to creep in with tendrils of meaninglessness. I did not recoil yet I took action. I focused on that lost part of myself, placed Una Verse in her oxogen mask and then did Tom Kenyon's 5 minute meditation while focusing on bringing that part of myself back into wholness. Tears immediately sprang into my eyes and my gut clenched in fear. Yet quickly the energy dissipated. I intend to use this meditation frequently and am so grateful for all the free resources out there and to Tom's generosity. I have a new understanding of how crucial it is for me to take responsibility for these wounded aspects of myself. No more rejection. Merely allowing with love. I am continuing my practice of sending my own love to myself. I realize how for most of my life I have focused on loving others, sending my abundant and priceless love outward.  I still continue that practice yet spend equal time sending that tender love to myself, using the quality of devotion to bath myself in benevolence. 

Two years ago today my marriage ended. I want to take a deep breath and honor all that my marriage and its dissolution brought me and taught me. Thank you so much beloved Georg. (Interestingly enough shortly after writing this he called and we had a long conversation.)

The level of connection and harmony I often feel is immense and one of my longest standing dreams come true. At the same time, this instability and sense of dredging up really loathsome debris from my unconscious is challenging. The biggest shift for me is how I view this process. Over the last weeks I saw it as torture and cruel. I wanted it to stop, go away, evaporate, vamvous etc. No I am taking ownership and repsonsibility. Yea, it's not fun but apparently it's mine so I will embrace it. I look over at Una Verse and I want her to be able to breath. I am done trying to toss her out of my life. I placed my anxiety doll I created months ago next to her and look over with love on them both. In this moment I have such compassion for myself and for all of us. My strongest intent is to KNOW Who I AM, to KNOW my essence as love and joy. So clearly that involves removing anything within me that does not vibrate with that Truth. Yea, it ain't pretty yet my intention is to allow and embrace and ride the waves with as much dignity and inner fortitude as possible. And above all else, love all of me whether I feel like a goddess or the lowest form of life.

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