Wednesday, February 15, 2012

waking up happy

Yesterday my day turned from an experience of grief and sadness to sudden joy and a bursting wave of love. For two days I’d been feeling a bit uncentered, off, mildly to majorly perturbed. A lot of grief was circling around. As it turns out, I was believing an old lie. I actually thought it was true! I was telling myself that to experience love I had to be with someone, share it with someone. Ex post facto- sadness when I wasn’t with anyone for Valentine. Well that little ole belief slipped in under cover of darkness and had me fall for it again, hook, line and sinker!! Lucky, eventually the blindfold slipped from my eyes. 
I had the second session with my health coach which was a bit of a wild ride but that’s another story. In the end we worked out a disagreement we were having and I left feeling super empowered and grateful that I was no longer lying to myself that I could be totally sedentary, eat sugar and other junk mixed with organics and be healthy and live a long life. I had dinner with a friend, I went to my Way of Mastery class, I passed out silly, childish Valentines.  We were studying holy relationships, a primary tenant of the Way of Mastery. A deep knowing and certainty, an absolute confidence in my vision for my life filled me. And hey, the gift wrapped hand made chocolate at the end of class didn’t hurt. These were just the facts yet can't really explain how i slipped into a new reality.
In this moment I am sitting outside typing while my daughter has tutoring. The wind is sighing through the tops of the pine trees. The sky is a majestic blue. I am happy. I am filled with joy. Around my solar plexus is this surging feeling of joy. Now hush my puppies, who would a thought? I got a tell you, there at the end of last year, I was really beginning to wonder if I was backing the wrong horse, if everything I believed was hocus pocus, if this vision I was following was a chimera. My unraveling, the intense release of ego, went on for so long and was so painful that after 24 months of it, I was really finished and wanted to quit, give up, bail, etc. Without my mentor holding the fort, swearing to me that it would pass, assuring me it would be worth it, promising me it would end, I wonder if I could have lasted. Yet he was right and it as though I stepped through a doorway to another world. I hesitated to write about it because I was afraid it might turn out to be a mirage that evaporated on closer inspection. But my sense is, it is here and will last- for sure it gets stronger day by day. I have moments of upset, like the last day and a half, yet really, it is pretty mild. Even as it is happening, a part of me is watching and asking, “you sure you want to buy this pain?” Often I can just make another choice but o.k., for a few days I was really caught. And then I popped through. Where I am today feels like a new place, a place where I genuinely and sincerely KNOW BEYOND THE LEVEL OF THE MIND that LOVE IS. I have found that which I have sought my whole life, a certainty of love that is unconditional, that arises despite circumstances, that does not depend on another to supply or renew it. I woke up happy, for no reason, unless you want to include the feeling of the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun on my leg, the song of the breeze in the trees. Probably sounds dopey. But it feels so good. I just had a circumstance that a few months ago would have sent me into a blithering puddle of tears. I barely blinked and had literally no reaction internally. I am going on at length about this because I now know my path is true and that I am not steering my blog family onto a bum deal. It is the real thing. I see clearly that the symphony of my life was composed perfectly to wake me up from my slumber. I can see how each circumstance was this mysteriously orchestrated weave of synchronicities designed to bring me the right people at the right time to guide me, sometimes to drop kick me into a new state of awareness. I see the footprints of the Divine everywhere I look. Sometimes I am in such awe of the intricacy and perfection of my wake up call.
 Apparently I was in the first wave or so of this transition and my particular journey was extra bumpy because somehow that fits in with my life purpose. I know many of you are suffering terribly right now. If this is true for you, perhaps, like me, you sometimes worry it is hopeless, it will never end, you will never know joy or love. I am here to tell you that there is a way through, that I can now say from direct experience that love is who we are, that it does not depend on circumstance, that it is a well that bubbles up endlessly inside. I am here to offer you my hand, my shoulder, my certainty that your pain can end, that you can find your way home. I sincerely believe as each of us succeeds in obtaining this inner certainty, it makes it that much easier for the next person. I know my mentor went through absolute hell, circumstances that make my journey look life a fun ride. I know his transit made mine that much easier. Beloveds, I wish you could all join me on this deck so you could look in my eyes and be sure I am speaking the truth. Are you willing to take it on faith? It is my sincere desire that these words may lighten your load, that you may have a moment’s ease and a certainty that you will live your heart’s deepest desire. I also want to take a moment to celebrate and appreciate my mentor Karl and his wife Jan- they are the ones that held me in the field when I felt hopeless and terrified and I am so grateful. I do not feel that my words can begin to convey what it is I wish to say- I can only hope and trust that the feeling tone will reach you where ever you may be on the planet and that the spark of love ignites within.
The feeling of unity, diffuse love and happiness is already passing. Yet my strongest intuition tells me this is only the beginning, for all of us.
I just read this blog and it seems to describe what I am saying from a different angle. Have a look:

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