shifting to the new energies

I haven't had the feeling to write here although a few things have been rattling around inside. Yet I was talking to my friend Uschi about my inner musings and they seemed to help her. So I will post what I have been exploring on a site I participate in. (http://www.radharaniblossoming.org) They are unedited or polished. I sometimes pop into blogs and just peek at one and if they are funky, I never look again. So at the risk of losing any first time readers....

Thursday morning:

I feel this strange mix of energy. When I first awake I feel the pull of the old me who wants to do it the way we have for so long, stay in silence, stay in nature, not engage life too much, just a bit. Yet the Universe has provided me with the opportunity to be very busy with wonderful things this week and next. One today requires a commitment.  The old me screams NO NO stay silent etc. The new me feels the energy and does it anyway. It seems it takes me awhile when I first wake up to catch up to the new me. Since she is only a few weeks old and the old me is more than a decade I feel some drag. Yet I recognize it is a choice. And when I proceed with new me, yes, much joy and laughter. So curious to watch how the old doesn't feel very good anymore- must grieve that my cappuccino is no longer the be all and end all it used to be; that silence is wonderful for some period of time but not as my primary daily fare. Juggling act for me to see what is true in this moment and not try to use any old yardstick.

Thursday evening:

I felt very edgy today even though I had an amazing experience with a new group that felt so alive and connecting. I met fascinating people later in the day, had a great time with my daughter, saw a friend haven't seen in a long time, many luscious things. Yet strong underlying anxiety. Yes, there again and I too did my best not to focus on it strongly yet quite uncomfortable. Made me think of my mentor saying ego like equal time- ugh. Yesterday I was euphoric, today anxious. I know, i know, love what is etc or suffer, resistance is futile, blah blah in this moment feel more playful with my strong desire to RESIST with all my might. Gorgeous sunset in THIS moment. 

Priceless ClearHeart ***** Limitless Power Dancing Unity

Friday morning:

I have been paying attention to what keeps me stuck in the old world. They say all our primitive "negative" responses are stored in a part of the brain the size of a peanut!?!?!?! So our challenges are all coming from being ruled by that part of the brain that is a peanut!?!?  A friend had a powerful vision about this, without even knowing the facts. I know professionally about how powerfully our neural nets can do their best to shape our behavior. Then I also heard that there is substance within us that when we try to change habits actively releases something in out bodies to keep us in status quo. I saw it yesterday as a thermostat that wants me to stay in the the same temperature I've been when I have been pushing the heat up. So yesterday some part of me was freaking about the changes in my exercise and diet, my level of connection with others- easy to do by computer, bit more risky in person. I joined a new Way of Mastery group yesterday with some very powerful men and women- all facilitators and healers who have done a ton of inner work. I felt so at home, amongst soul friends. Yet when the group was over I beat it out of there. Then I felt some part of me rebelling against the physical changes I am making. There was this inner tension and heat, this resistance to the changes.

Then finally I watched this bizarre fear play out. Even though I have tried to uncover this one for years it still gets me. I am hoping spelling it out will help free me. It is with my daughter and homework. Here I do not trust, I still try to control. It is all due on Fridays and she had a lot to go. I try to manipulate, cajole, etc. But what is more curious to me is why it bothers me SOOOOOOOO much.   I know part of it is my fear of my father if I didn’t do great in school yet it goes much deeper. I am starting to cry as I write and I have no clue why. Dear fear, please come to the surface so we can work this out. I promise to try to give you want you need, to listen, to understand you. What do you need sweetheart? Can you tell me. I am crying a lot and just going with it. What is here sweetheart, can you tell me? Can you tell me what you fear?

A wave of sadness has washed over me.  I got no answers. The feeling is of intense danger if I don’t make her get it done and then my heart shuts down. It is as though the fu*&ing homework is able to throw me out of love. Then I am so freakin pissed off at education for the bs nonsense they sometimes call learning.  Yet I love her school and overall she actually learns great stuff- they just studied ancient Egypt and now the gods/goddesses of Greece and they really take it in. So that ain’t it. I am very open about how afraid I am. She says “you are stressing yourself out.” Yup. So somehow we actually got a ton done, had fun, and were so open and loving about getting through it and each of our challenges. Somehow this dynamic is forcing me to go to a deeper love, beyond personality. I am so sad when I allow this control sh*t to push me into a crazed witch.

Perhaps the biggest thing i am getting is this enlightenment/ascension story doesn’t look anything like I thought it did. I think it is loving the whole mess, the loving and the witch. I am getting that is the way I pass through the eye of the needle and find my own inner heaven. Shoving my daughter out for being so bossy and argumentative or myself for being controlling and manipulative just doesn’t cut it anymore. I intend to love the whole bloody mess.