Sunday, May 12, 2013

mother's day lesson, expectations hurt

Ah well. I was doing so good until the crash and burn. I was so prepared for my birthday, releasing all expectations and false beliefs, I forgot to clear myself for mother's day. My expectations were so low I felt sure they would be met. I just wanted somebody to make me a cappuccino; is that too much to ask? Apparently yes.  I was so certain my wish would be fulfilled it felt safe to put energy into it. Yet all turned out differently. 

Here's how it unfolded. I let go my expectations of gifts or cards but hearing how my love of cappuccinos had been discussed ahead of time, I thought my wish would be granted. Things were looking good until one potential donor seemed too wiped out to comply and the other revolted. So here's how I reacted. Big tears and sadness. Here's what I told myself, "no one cares about me, no one loves me." This was after receiving two of the most delicious hugs of my life and several hours snuggling. I mention this because to me now in hindsight I am almost stunned at how quickly a lie can appear true. My wasband was again on lawn duty he proscribes to himself, my daughter was helping me learn some games and other sweet activities. But I had to have my cappuccino or a present. Now my daughter never responds to manipulation, commands, demands. Sure enough, under my supposed gentle request was a hidden demand that she sniffed out from a thousand paces. She is the only one with whom I still carry any signifiant energy of special relationship. If she doesn't love me, grant me my boons, shower me with love the way I want it to show up and when I want it to show up, it doesn't count. I went out on my hammock in the blistering heat and had a pity party. It wasn't pretty. I fell for it again like it was the first time. No one loved me.

Now I had heard that post the last solar eclipse a few days ago, we would be able to process the BS, ego dramas lickety split. Sure enough within about 10 minutes, I began to question my drama. Hadn't she just hugged me and told me several times she loved me? So why was I doing this to myself, burying myself in sorrow? Because my conditioning told me it was true. I came in and tried Non Violent Communication, manipulative style. Poor, poor pitiful me, if you cared about me you'd do this. That you can't do this little ity bitty thing for me means you don't care. Lucky for me, she didn't go into the rescue game like most people would. Yea, I guilt tripped her and I am guessing I created pain and maybe even shame in her. I am not blaming myself because I was not a conscious being in those moments, I was a bundle of reaction. Just grateful these dang 12 year olds are too smart to buy the sob story.
Trust me, that's NOT how I felt in the moment. I was still VERY SAD. But I went back to my hammock and decided to see if there was another way to look at this. I had to have my good cry and allow the emotions to run through my body. Attempting to stop or diminish them would have just locked this new pain into my cellular memory. 
No thanks. 
So I had the wherewithal to allow the emotions to sweep through my body. It was not fun. I felt about two years old and very sad. Yet within maybe another ten minutes, I was looking to see a way out. It almost immediately came to me that I was being manipulative and that was a more likely explanation of why she would not comply rather than my initial story that she didn't love me. I immediately saw how many ways she had proved she loved me already this day. Just not the ways I was looking for, that I was conditioned to believe mattered. I also witnessed what I believed was a soul agreement where she got to play the role I assigned to her, to help me set myself free. I am trying to detail this because most of you might think I was being silly or childish. Of course I was. This is what we do when we are caught in our conditioning. I am sure your wounds and stories look different from mine. Yet the liberation is always the same, to recognize we are believing illusion, that we are believing in some form of fear and forgetting our own Essence which is always Love. I can not be separated from love even if she screams she hates me (she has), she chooses never to see me again or whatever she may choose to do. If I make her or anyone the source of love in my life, I am at her mercy and I will manipulate, trick, cajole to save myself. There is no freedom, no true love. Does this make sense?
So I got off it. I began to appreciate the love that was showing up in my life the way it was showing up even though it didn't look the way I wanted. I began to see how many gifts I am blessed with. I felt sorry I had caused a scene. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite done. 
 That is a good mother’s day. That is a good mother’s day.
My wasband made the mistake of asking me if I'd had a good mother's day. Now more loving behaviors had come down the pike since my hammock tears. Yet I still had to say no. I hadn't gotten my bloody cappuccino. No wonder no one in my family ever wants to hear that word again. Can you blame them? He looked so sad and promised to take me to dinner next year. O.K., now I am sad and so over my demanding manipulative ways. I want to take my words and behaviors back. I really see how much they both care for me. How could I have been so blind? Ah well. Now I was truly done with the whole thing. My eyes opened again and I was back home inside myself.
I bet you won’t be surprised to hear that just before they left, my daughter handed me a bracelet she had just made for me and my wasband brought up the flowers he had forgotten to give me.  There is nothing like no longer needing it Later I made myself a gorgeous cappaccino. I know there is more to this story yet for now the lesson is learned. Now that is a good mother's day.

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