Wednesday, March 5, 2014

time smear and neutrality/ limbo

My entire sense of time is so different from what it was. The weeks seem to merge one into the other and before I now it, another week has passed. I must do a lot not to forget things, people's names, where I know them from, what happened an hour ago, a day ago, last week. Time just seems to smear together. The other thing that is happening is increased neutrality. It does not feel good. Little excitements me one way or the other. I am also experiencing minimal joy or pleasure. I have a rash over my heart, I buzz a lot in my body, I have had headaches, high blood pressure, yesterday very high heart rate. I mention all of these things because one part of my mission is to normalize what is occurring. As we have never been through such an experience, it is easy to think this or that is only happening to you. I only know one person I speak to regularly who is going through a similar intensity. I wish I knew more about how others are experiencing all of this. So this is my gift, my offering. I use to doubt my gifts, wonder if they are truly valuable. I still do yet less all the time.

I am also feeling the need to focus on gratitude and joy, to shift focus away from the heaviness. I am grateful for the two waterfalls on my land yesterday, for how well my new class went, for being healthy, for having a home, for time to myself, for silence, for my daughter and friends, for increasing abilities and clarity, for life.

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