Don’t know about you, but in my world it has been shake and bake time, lot’s of stuff in the oven. A week ago Sunday I was in an unpleasant dark and empty place, missing my new found lightness of being. The next few days were o.k. until I hit about 3 a.m. Thursday. I had been struggling with something big time and I went down for the count. I went to that very dark, bottomless, I can’t take it anymore pit of despair. The circumstances were trivial. First my daughter’s and then my illness possibly preventing an overnight trip yet it dramatically forced a critical awareness to the surface. I had spent years clearing myself of sourcing love from outside. Yet I had never recognized fully how much I do the same still with joy. It was like my life depended on making the trip. I had felt a similar dynamic when I had to miss the Mardi Gras parade. I knew I no longer enjoyed it that much yet still missing it drove me around the bend. So I woke up at 3 a.m. sick as a dog. It was hours before we should leave on our trip. I WAS ROYALLY PISSED! I thought Gdam))((**&^^%$@@@#$%^^&**((((**&&^%$#!!!#%^& Let me just have my little trip to cheer me up, quite being so cruel and cut me a break. (Insert many curse words and cries of victim, poor poor pitiful me.) I watched myself careening downhill and have been down that slippery slope too many times not to know where I might end up if I didn’t pull out. I finally fell into a most awe inspiring place of true surrender. All conflict dropped away, all need and panic and I arrived in a luscious garden of acceptance, fully at peace with allowing it to be as it was. I dropped into an astonishingly solid sleep. I knew that I would most likely lose all the hotel deposit money yet that too was fine. I woke up and decided to enjoy the sun on my deck. As I sat there, I felt better and better until I felt totally normal. Now here was a miracle I had not considered even possible. I had seen what the lesson was. It was clear the cost of seeking joy outside myself outweighed B Y F A R any possible pleasure the trip might afford. I got it. I had again sold myself down the river for a very cheap price, buying big time limitation. No parade or mini vacation and my life is over?
I had been toying with a sentence I had heard during a talk, where the man said he didn’t want a life he felt the need to vacate! That hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to vacate my own life!! Now that is NOT fun! Interestingly, while I was sitting on my deck, I read Jennifer Posada's post about self love and realized I did not want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. The problem is not doing things for pleasure. Au contraire. The problem is
So it is beautiful to find things one enjoys and do them. Yet if I attach myself to that thing, if my life depends on it:
T R O U B L E
SO, I let it go and it came back to me. We went, we enjoyed, we came home. Then I got very sick and the next lesson arrived. I started to buy the sickness, see myself as limited again, alone and afraid. Yikees. This time miracles arrived with the calvary more quickly. First I was so showered with love and care that I knew I was arriving in heaven on earth. Second, I decided not to be sick anymore, not to follow the proscribed protocol for this illness. Guess what? Today I am almost fully recovered and all is well. I got a vaccination from limitation with Lauren's Think with Your Heart post yesterday. I read the post and felt my inner authority flourish. Today I feel capable, encouraged, healthy, powerful and wise. Damn, I am just too astonishingly amazing. And so are you. Shew, what a ride!! So if you fall into the limitation trap, see it as it is, claim your power, release your belief and fly!
Something else I have been thinking about, how I have misunderstood Divine will as a way to negate my own power and someone else already wrote the blog for me: