Wednesday, February 27, 2013

diving into the depths

A lot of people I have been speaking with have been extremely challenged, as in surreal lala crazy land. Some are doing quite well and finding inner freedom. Yet the intensity is unprecedented in some ways. Just when I thought I'd seen and felt it all, I was dropped into a void of emptiness, of meaningless, of hopelessness. It felt as though nothing could reach me, as nothing could touch me. I can not really put it into words yet it felt endless, life in prison with no possibility of parole. I felt unable to hold or shift the energy, as though I was locked into a padded cell and would never be set free. I did my best to allow, to pray, to intend and nothing moved. I felt absolutely helpless and out of control. I had no faith in my life, the Universe, God, nothing.

I am slowly coming out of the pit. I was so desperate I did a number of things differently hoping something would help. I went to the movies on a weekday afternoon, I went to my Temple group when I wanted to stay curled up in a ball, I took naps when I couldn't take another step (I haven't napped in decades.) I tried Zumba and Pilates exercise classes. I commented on TWYH website. I pet my cat and bunny, sat outside in the quiet, hugged my favorite tree. Nothing seemed to make the slightest difference yet I stayed with it and got productive, making calls, tying up lose ends, starting to get my Continuing Education Units. Finally yesterday the energy began to shift and my back relaxed. It has been in bone crunching mode for weeks off and on. 

One of the worst parts of the experience is how I unconsciously blamed and hated myself for falling back in the pit. I could see no redeeming value to my suffering and felt screwed by the Universe and no longer interested in Ascension, enlightenment or any other 5th dimensional crap. I was DONE DONE DONE!!! I just didn't care anymore and nothing penetrated by gloom. Scary!!! Actually a few things did penetrate, the concern of total strangers on the internet, my daughter's loving, my wasband's kindness made a little blip in the oblivion. My dear friend Karin's willingness to come up and visit (an hour drive) with a moment's notice was perhaps the final push that began to shift the tide. I finally can breath again and see the value of this experience, see how it forced me to grow and expand, brought me to my knees in humbleness thus reducing my arrogant spiritual ego that loves to be better than others cause I am just soooo spiritual. My level of appreciation for the smallest gesture of kindness was huge. 

Now a friend called me this morning in rage and despair. I felt weak and unable to provide much support yet did my best to envelope her in love. I felt a deep compassion with zero of my former arrogance. I am still shaken yet I feel myself slowly ground into the Earth and regain a smidgeon of faith that this is to some purpose. My loves, I send you a wave of love and support. May you find and hold inner ground. May the road rise up to meet you in these interesting times. May you know how deeply you are loved.

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