a case of lost identity

I feel like I have been in a quandary that reminds me of the one that I started this blog with when I kept losing my keys enough times that I finally had an “ah ha” moment- thank you Oprah- and recognized the Universe was trying to get my attention. Exactly a week ago the Universe was trying to nudge me awake again. In a intense downpour, after days of relentless rain, I lost all my credit cards, identification, AAA card. I was calm at first as I retraced my steps yet quickly slipped into major upset when my efforts went to no avail. The bank said they could not use my face as identification and thus could not give me money. They admitted a replacement card could take quite awhile. I was frustrated, annoyed, yet worse, I became increasingly hopeless. This seeming relatively insignificant event triggered me into full on despair. I was done with everything- life, ascension, trying, seeking, effort. I began spiraling quickly into ever increasing darkness. Being the brilliantly trained Cellular Memory Release Facilitator, I knew and remembered enough to fully allow the despair, yet  did so more out of the feeling I had no other choice than any real hope anything would shift. Despite years of training and numerous examples personally and professionally, I entered despair with no hope of release, no sense it would end. Honestly, at that point I didn’t give a %$%&$^^&*$#@@#%$&* I called a friend and she listened with attention to my tail of woe (thank you Karin). Believe me when I tell you it was extremely physically uncomfortable; a feeling of intense heaviness, like I had tar for blood, swimming in a miasma of slime. I slept poorly, woke up late yet at the last minute dragged myself to my other Way of Mastery group. I am guessing my energy was a cesspool sucking the air out of the room. Yet finally a wise woman (thank you Colleen) penetrated my fog. She addresses me and said she heard me saying over and over “I...” I did this, I did that. Her focus lately is noticing the illusionary quality of this “I”, it’s lack of substance and reality. I feel her spaciousness and liberation yet have not personally fully grasped this Truth she is referring to. What caught my attention is her words spotlighted the fact that I was blaming myself for getting upset. The Way of Mastery and the Course in Miracles both constantly wake us up to the fact that we are always at choice, that we are responsible for creating our reality. Here’s how I was unconsciously hearing this- you are to blame for making poor choices, it is your fault you created this mess. If you weren’t such an idiot, you wouldn’t have gotten flipped out. Other times you don’t get upset, why did you crucify yourself this time? etc, etc. So it sunk in a bit, my energy lifted and my day brightened but I wasn’t done. The next day I was talking to another friend about it. Despite endless searching for my identification and credit cards, nothing had turned up and I was facing the laborious process of replacing them and changing all the accounts I have linked to them. It is a task I never completed, switching things from the wasband’s information and settings of these accounts, to my own. It is something I avoid like the plague because of the anxiety it stirs up in me, pushing on my “you’re not very functional in the world in a lot of ways, sweetheart” identity (note the sarcasm). So I was trying to avoid anything that would sink me back into my pity party and everything my friend and I tried to discuss was a button stirring up irritation. I kept saying, I don’t want to talk about that, not that either, nope, not that. Luckily my friend has the patience of a saint and choose not to throw the phone at me or accidentally on purpose hang up. (thank you Uschi). Now mind you this was international rates I am moaning on. Perhaps that was just the motivation I needed to cut to the chase. I was tired of myself, not a fun feeling. I wanted to give that witchy part a big shove and hope she’d just fly off on her broomstick never to return. I was tired of being a four on the enneagram (a wonderful system of understanding basic personality structures, I felt like the guy that wrote the first book I read about it must sleep under my bed because he was describing me to a tee and seemed to know me better than anyone else, including myself)- I wanted to switch to the happy go lucky seven on the enneagram. I was bah humbugging all over the place, pissy (the dictionary says there is no such word, but I’m sorry hissy just doesn’t cut it.) with myself when suddenly I got a huge wave of awareness washing over me. It shut my mouth, stopped me in my tracks, pulled the rug out from under me, you name it, that was it. Is anybody else having major paradigm shifts like every other week? It’s enough to make a girl dizzy. It tried to flit away yet the second the awareness dropped in it was like a huge cloud of guilt and blame lifted off of me. No wonder I felt light headed- that guilt weighs a ton! My wise friend suggested I hang up immediately and jot the awareness down before it escaped me totally. So I did that and I will copy the notes I took below. Be forewarned- revelation is always personal and so this will probably inspire you as much as a wet noodle but hey, maybe I can transfer some of the release to one or two of you. (Plus do you notice how much fun I am having with BOLD AND ( ) BIG FUN) So hang on to your hats, here it comes:

Forgetting (Who we are) is innocent- no one is to blame, forgetting has consequences, no blame, just consequences, we prefer to remember, ok to forget, shame to think at fault, only function to see innocence, ok either way forget- creates, remembering creates, no blame, question of identity- do I remember?, different consequences come from remembering or not!

Anybody reach instant nirvana with those inspiring words? Oh well, where there is life, there is hope. So I can’t put into words what this did for me, but I’ll give it a quick try- quick because my daughter’s tutoring is done in a few minutes and then I have to sail off.

Well, turns out I already said it, it released me from a sh*t load of guilt and blame. Turns out I blame myself for failure, for forgetting, for making poor choices, for being overweight, for not flowing from Love 24/7, hey, probably for the world situation. Definitely a heavy load- makes me wonder if my weight will shift with this. As a little aside, lucky I know about projection or I’d be blaming my health coach for all kinds of things, instead I took the blame myself. Another layer of judgment peels off- I wonder HOW many more layers there are. Yea, I’m all over the place with this one but spring has sprung so who can blame me- hey, I’m not going to blame myself- hehe. Yup, I am feeling giddy. Probably the release of toxic guilt.

Anyway so it turns out I have been suffering from a a case of mistaken identity. I just forgot who I am, who you are. The Universe sure likes to play these games with us. No big deal. Luckily my identification was lost so I could find my true Identity. 

This just in: A fourth grader named Flint has just nailed all of our Identities.

I just read his letter written to thank a weatherman for a visit to the school. This kid inspires me and gives me hope- the link to the whole letter is below.I agree with Flint’s words, we are all "... more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out [of] bacon riding a cyborg unicorn,"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/15/flint-child-letter-to-weatherman-meteorologist-albert-ramon-unicorn-bacon-drawing_n_1348620.html


P.S. After canceling all my credit cards, which forced me to change all my accounts into my name, the task I had been avoiding so strenuously, I found everything including my identification- ho, ho, life is soooo funny.