I had a huge awareness pop in yesterday. The last few weeks I have been plagued by almost unremitting anxiety. This has been uncomfortable to say the least. Some moments felt almost intolerable. I was tearing at the dry skin around my fingernails and on one heel. Sleep was iffy. A rash broke out on my back. So obviously somehow I was off course yet I could not find a way to be with this tension, find any sense of direction with this challenge. Everything became difficult. My newly found order went out the window, I became non productive again.
I prayed for direction and did my best to allow the anxiety to be as it was- to feel it without a story. Yet I became more and more bogged down in future negative fantasies of how I could not take it anymore. It became more and more unpleasant.
Yesterday I had the impulse to scan through the internet to various site I have looked at in the past and I came across this:
http://ascension101.com/en/home/ascension-blog.html
and then I jumped to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GozVABN1xI
There was an exercise to do and I did it half heartedly- throw all my charges, sources of negative energy in a box, then see if one of them jumped out at me. Anxiety screamed at me. I was to take it out of the box, hold it and look at it, then welcome it! Welcome it- are you kidding me! welcome my arch enemy, the field that has robbed me of so much of my life force, so much of my life, held me down and back in so many ways?!?!? In that moment I clearly felt how much resistance I had to anxiety, how I had rarely truly allowed it, rather I had given pretense to allowing it in the hopes I could finally be rid of it. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my heart opened and I truly, truly welcomed and embraced it. Instantly the tension left my body and I felt a flood of warmth and an amazing bath of peace and calm. I suddenly became aware of all the gifts anxiety has brought me, how it has been my prime motivation for so much healing and transformation. I felt genuine gratitude and acceptance. It was a miraculous shift and I felt tremendous relief.
Yet rather quickly anxiety began to creep back in with it's freezing fingers curling around my lower spine. Again my breath became shallow and fear began to narrow my vision. I felt almost paralyzed. I had to force myself to move and went to my Way of Mastery class where I received the second answer to my prayers. It was decided to listen to questions and answers rather than read the text and I felt a mild annoyance yet breathed deeply and accepted this new protocol for the evening. It was mildly helpful until one question and answer galvanized me. I can't remember it exactly yet the answer was how we are responding to an old challenge and charge with the same old energy we had greeted it with in the past, the same resistance and fear. In such situations we are not allowing our current awareness and transformation to respond to this old pattern in a new way, rather we are locked into the past. This had me sitting up straight as I recognized how absolutely accurate that was for me. Until now, when anxiety arose I had fought it with all my might, falling into a deep well of fear and panic, an "oh shit, not this again" reaction. The bell of clarity was ringing. My mentor confirmed that the secret is in the true welcoming and embracing. I had been fooling myself that my reluctant allowing would create a shift. I had the physical experience of the difference between that type of allowing and the sincere embrace I had experienced hours earlier. Voila, the answer.
I again felt anxiety this morning and did not want to get up. Again I felt parayzed. But this time I respond differently. I laid on my hammock and tenderly looked at anxiety. I reviewed the numerous gifts I have received, how it has constantly motivated me to dig deeper, learn and release more, take courses and workshops that have changed my life. Really, it is the reason I became a therapist- the wounded healer. I had tears of genuine gratitude in my eyes. I thanked my ego and anxiety for doing their absolute best to protect me, especially as a child when I was truly defenseless. I did a technique called Neural Linguistic Reprogramming where I thanked anxiety for all it's gifts and asked it if it was willing to receive a promotion. I recognized it's intent to keep me safe by warning me of perceived danger. Anxiety has graciously agreed to this promotion, to becoming Presence to alert me when I stray off course, when I forget my own magnificence and limitless power. I feel a sense of harmony and peace in this moment. I am intending to be at peace with anxiety should it choose to reappear. I see I can embrace it in a new way. I see I can kiss the lion, passing through this ring of fear, knowing it for the illusion it is. I sense I have not yet reached 100% surrender yet I know I have had a big shift. I am grateful to my friend anxiety for the tender care it has provided me all my life, cherishing me and desiring to keep me safe. Thank you dear friend. I wish to publicly acknowledge you for all you have brought to me. May our new relationship flourish as you become Presence in my life.
I prayed for direction and did my best to allow the anxiety to be as it was- to feel it without a story. Yet I became more and more bogged down in future negative fantasies of how I could not take it anymore. It became more and more unpleasant.
Yesterday I had the impulse to scan through the internet to various site I have looked at in the past and I came across this:
http://ascension101.com/en/home/ascension-blog.html
and then I jumped to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GozVABN1xI
There was an exercise to do and I did it half heartedly- throw all my charges, sources of negative energy in a box, then see if one of them jumped out at me. Anxiety screamed at me. I was to take it out of the box, hold it and look at it, then welcome it! Welcome it- are you kidding me! welcome my arch enemy, the field that has robbed me of so much of my life force, so much of my life, held me down and back in so many ways?!?!? In that moment I clearly felt how much resistance I had to anxiety, how I had rarely truly allowed it, rather I had given pretense to allowing it in the hopes I could finally be rid of it. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my heart opened and I truly, truly welcomed and embraced it. Instantly the tension left my body and I felt a flood of warmth and an amazing bath of peace and calm. I suddenly became aware of all the gifts anxiety has brought me, how it has been my prime motivation for so much healing and transformation. I felt genuine gratitude and acceptance. It was a miraculous shift and I felt tremendous relief.
Yet rather quickly anxiety began to creep back in with it's freezing fingers curling around my lower spine. Again my breath became shallow and fear began to narrow my vision. I felt almost paralyzed. I had to force myself to move and went to my Way of Mastery class where I received the second answer to my prayers. It was decided to listen to questions and answers rather than read the text and I felt a mild annoyance yet breathed deeply and accepted this new protocol for the evening. It was mildly helpful until one question and answer galvanized me. I can't remember it exactly yet the answer was how we are responding to an old challenge and charge with the same old energy we had greeted it with in the past, the same resistance and fear. In such situations we are not allowing our current awareness and transformation to respond to this old pattern in a new way, rather we are locked into the past. This had me sitting up straight as I recognized how absolutely accurate that was for me. Until now, when anxiety arose I had fought it with all my might, falling into a deep well of fear and panic, an "oh shit, not this again" reaction. The bell of clarity was ringing. My mentor confirmed that the secret is in the true welcoming and embracing. I had been fooling myself that my reluctant allowing would create a shift. I had the physical experience of the difference between that type of allowing and the sincere embrace I had experienced hours earlier. Voila, the answer.
I again felt anxiety this morning and did not want to get up. Again I felt parayzed. But this time I respond differently. I laid on my hammock and tenderly looked at anxiety. I reviewed the numerous gifts I have received, how it has constantly motivated me to dig deeper, learn and release more, take courses and workshops that have changed my life. Really, it is the reason I became a therapist- the wounded healer. I had tears of genuine gratitude in my eyes. I thanked my ego and anxiety for doing their absolute best to protect me, especially as a child when I was truly defenseless. I did a technique called Neural Linguistic Reprogramming where I thanked anxiety for all it's gifts and asked it if it was willing to receive a promotion. I recognized it's intent to keep me safe by warning me of perceived danger. Anxiety has graciously agreed to this promotion, to becoming Presence to alert me when I stray off course, when I forget my own magnificence and limitless power. I feel a sense of harmony and peace in this moment. I am intending to be at peace with anxiety should it choose to reappear. I see I can embrace it in a new way. I see I can kiss the lion, passing through this ring of fear, knowing it for the illusion it is. I sense I have not yet reached 100% surrender yet I know I have had a big shift. I am grateful to my friend anxiety for the tender care it has provided me all my life, cherishing me and desiring to keep me safe. Thank you dear friend. I wish to publicly acknowledge you for all you have brought to me. May our new relationship flourish as you become Presence in my life.
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