I felt such a wave of terror take me over yesterday morning. I felt totally inadequate and questioned much of my life- that I was a terrible parent, that I had done very little with my life, that I had wasted so much time, that I felt clueless how to support my daughter. I realized later several things were going on. I was stuck in the past dynamic of school, I was thinking really stinky thoughts about it and I was trying to prevent my daughter from being human. I have/had the belief that if I could just do enough, I could prevent her from losing her memory of her own magnificence, her own Soul. I held myself responsible for her suffering, basically for her being human. I wanted to prevent her from experiencing any karma or certainly any wounds from my unconsciousness. Good luck! I admire and have empathy for my good intentions yet I was creating suffering for both of us.
I do feel deeply committed now to making changes in an education system that supports a number of our children in losing sight of their own worthiness by putting them in an impossible situation. Specially, in my daughter's case, right brain dominate children can not learn in a left brain dominate envirnment. While my daughter's school has both, it still remains primarily focused on left brain skills. This is all too simplistic to explain what is really going on but I want to keep it short. I no longer can agree with blindly placing my daughter in a situation where she learns to doubt herself. Yet I see so many children with other challenges lose themselves in school. I can not agree with this either. Waldorf is the best alternative I have found yet there are still many areas that do not fully support the whole child. There are so many dedicated teachers and parents and we are still falling short. There is definite room for improvement and I intend to be a part of that change as best I can.
Yet I see the blessing in this too. It is forcing me to surrender and trust or suffer greatly. There is no way my puny ego can resolve this so I must tap into my own Soul/spirit to have a chance at resolution. I must have faith that my Love for my daughter is making a difference- this is what I doubted yesterday. My wasband kindly jumped in to my nightmare and reassured me that it was his mother's love that saved him from sinking to deeply into the huge challenges of his childhood. That did help me pull out of my downward dive. Yet I was still uneasy.
I woke up this morning with another peace of the puzzle. I had forgotten both of our magnificence- do I truly believe we are a piece of God, unlimited, pure Love, powerful beyond measure or not? If I do, then I must release my sense of limitation in both of us. I must stop believing the education system can sink either of our Souls. I had joined in seeing my daughter as limited, as incapable of thriving despite these challenges. To say this is not helpful is an understatement. I must clear my vision and see both of us as magnificent, as unlimited, as pure Love. To do anything else is a disservice. So I have my marching orders. Time to clean my glasses and see with new eyes. I have to admit this feels a little (HEM HAW), O.K. more than a little challenging. If any of you have any energy to spare, I'd sure appreciate your sending some my way. I am off to school to register today for school tomorrow. I choose to KNOW I do not go alone rather I go supported by a legion of higher energies, angels, guides and teachers. And so it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment