Rather challenging night last night. I was caught in my own ego storm and managed to spread my goo far and wide, igniting an ego meltdown in another. Luckily I was able to pull out in mid stream but oh, to witness the pain I stirred up was excruciating. Combine that with me still chewing on the question of how to meet my own needs without blowing others out of the water and voila, the elements for a perfect storm. I managed to calm down and fall asleep, although not for long. I woke up feeling sad and a bit guilty. I realize that when I meet my own needs and another seems to suffer because I am not giving them what they want, I feel guilty which helps bury me in more heaviness. In addition I was and have been the witness to some loved ones melting down and saying they have had basically enough of life. Now that is not easy for me to witness, to express it very mildly. It is showing me the mirror of where I am soso still on life on earth. Yet this morning was rather miraculous as I had plenty of triggers I could have allowed to pull me back in the swamp yet I stayed neutral. I am waiting for the keys to the kingdom or at least the town for that heroic effort. I’ll let you know if I ever get my celestial reward.
I was sitting with Elmo's comment on my compassion blog ( authenticity and/or compassion Nov. 5) and wondering what piece of the puzzle is still missing for me in that question. Clearly I have allowed the situation of not being able to satisfy another's needs to trigger guilt and separation in me. I was laying on the floor in my Nia exercise class when it hit me between the eyes like I had literally been shot. I was stunned and tears came to my eyes. I discovered another festering pool of self hatred hiding beneath the surface of my consciousness. I realized there is one thing I have never allowed myself to experience without massive judgment, one thing I find unforgivable and never, never welcome or embrace: separation. I cannot believe I never saw it before. (I also can not believe my computer is telling me it is cannot, not can not.) I was flabbergasted, stupefied, knocked out and dumbfound. (thank God for the thesaurus as I really need a lot of words to try to express this.) No wonder I feel so guilty all the time and can never measure up to my own standards. No wonder I project that out to loved ones over and over with my critical, sniping, belittling “course corrective” (trying to be spiritually correct but just caught in spiritual ego) comments. Ayekorumba!!! I think I have found the mother of all judgments! Tears sprang immediately to my eyes as I realized how much I berate myself for being human, for getting stuck over and over in separation. Now that I judge myself was no news flash. The shocker was that I had never even considered doing it differently, welcoming the inner experience of separation despite my huge ahha yesterday, despite my profession and years of training. I still had never seen it. Since I have devoted most of my adult life to ending the agonizing feeling of separation I feel inside it is no wonder I find this, shall we say, difficult (choke, choke). Separation has been my arch enemy, the one aspect of myself I have wanted to annihilate. So it is obviously a tad ironic that my rejection of the part of me that DOES experience separation was the stickiest element eternally tying me to that very experience. Try to twist your brain around that one! The feeling of relief as I welcomed this wounded part of myself with compassion, ah, dear friends, was nectar.
Now I can feel that little part of me chomping at the bit to judge me for being so slow and obtuse yet I am hushing it, whispering sweet nothings of comfort in my own ear.
Yesterday was a gorgeous, sunny, warm summery day. Today is cold, windy and rainy, maybe even snow. That is my inner experience when I judge myself or other, refusing to allow my “errors.” The word that helps me the most in this process is welcome. I laid on the floor, oblivious to the rest of the class and I welcomed separation, I welcomed my self loathing, I welcomed my flawed, delicious, exasperating, kind, dark, loving, wise, obtuse self with open arms. Now, dear friends, I must leave you to go enfolded myself in loving arms.
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