mama mia

A few days ago, I experienced dreams coming true and intended to write a blog about it. The level to which my intentions and dreams for the day unfold literally stunned me, leaving me almost breathless and oh so delighted. I felt powerful beyond measure. Friday was also a good day with just one serious but very short lived upset. Yesterday, if I had had time, I would have written a blog called easy peazy. as so far these so called intense energies had been a cake walk. Yet by yesterday afternoon I felt fear on my tail and literally ran from it, keeping myself busy from morning till night and had a fairly good time. Today was the day to pay up. When I stood still, alone in a silent house with clouds surrounding me, my peaceful, serene home turned into a scene of great unrest. I have felt edgy, frightened, panicked, lost, lonely. I know enough not to seek a cause and can feel it is just the energy dredging up some unhealed wounds. i know what triggered it and had earlier tried to dodge the bullet. I succeed for a day yet now it has caught me full force. I had my cappuccino, which is rare lately, and it didn't make a dent. I bought something and it didn't help a bit. I was on the phone for hours with various friends yet still feel this gaping loss. The good news is I know it is temporary, I know it will pass, I know I am not doing anything "wrong", I know this will bring me greater liberation and healing. I have some sense of witness, of spaciousness around the very uncomfortable feelings. I have had my stomach drop out as though I fell off a cliff, I have felt my mind race, clawing madly for an exit. I can witness this and wonder why "she" that part of me, is so freaked out. I feel compassion for myself. I want the easy peazy back. I want to write my happy, dreamy blog. Instead I sit here on this cloudy, cold, dreary, empty day, feeling incapable of much of anything, nothing fits, nothing helps and I allow it all. These are not the fun parts of this journey yet this is what this moment offers me. So I say yes to this too.

(Ironically, after writing this and allowing more fully, I feel the best I have felt all day. Let's see what unfolds as night sets in.)