Beloveds,
It has been an intense few days for me. I had more to transmute in the last five days then in the last five weeks, maybe even the last five months! The lessons are coming fast and furious. Sunday I had my terror freak out. Monday started out fine but deteriorated dramatically. A series of factors helped me lose it totally and become a venomous, striking cobra. We went away for two days and the weather slipped from cloudy to rainy, then there was an accident just before my exit, the drive was hours longer now, my body was again filled with tension and my companion was calmly making a series of critical remarks in a fashion I call "sniping." I was seeking to allow, stay calm, be fair, etc. Then from one second to the next this fierce internal monster arose in attack position. I said in a loud voice, "If you make one more critical remark, I will begin to criticize you and it won't be pretty." My companion got the idea I was not kidding, backed down totally and afterwards we had a very loving, companionable journey.
Yet the viciousness of what I felt inside and clearly witnessed gave me pause, to say the least!!! I could not believe the vehemence with which I had spoken. Mama mia, was this me? Was this rage mine? It was just too dang blatant to ignore. So I began to question what had flipped me out so much, what had me in full attack gear? Hold on to you hats: I had never seen more clearly the projection of my own behavior on to another. I have a life long pattern of being critical and sniping yet I love to ignore and deny it, so much so that I am often truly blind to it. I can see it clearly in you yet in me it is just a litle quirk. I got the concept of it all being a mirror of our own behavior in a way I had never fully realized before. It was quite the rude awakening. I really understood that the possibility for freedom lies not in scanning others for their critical behavior rather in scanning myself to wake up to that in myself. I know absolutely when I free it from myself, I will no longer attract that behavior in others.
I also felt strongly in my being the separation my attack energy created in me. My body became so stressed and stiff that I could not relax swimming for over half an hour. I could not even sit in the normally delightful hot mineral springs. I would go in for a few minutes and my heart rate and blood pressure soared so dramatically, I had to get right out. I felt my spine would snap from the brittleness of the collected stress.
Yet after we went out to dinner and made our peace, I returned to the hot pools and found them to be delightful and not particularity hot. That is what an impact that dynamic had on my body. Again, this is definitely getting my attention. The price of judgment, blame, separation, fear just jumped several levels for me. Trust me, I am vey willing to be vigilant for these behaviors in myself now. I will no longer blindly strike the mirror. That does not mean I will condone poor treatment from others. It just means I would address it in a calm, balanced way with clarity yet without the energy of attack.
The last few days I have also been diving into the perception of overwhelm again. This has not been fun yet I get how this too is merely an opportunity to clear up the last remnants of that life long pattern. It has been very uncomfortable yet I choose to see it as an opportunity for healing, knowing this too shall pass. Someone had read my post back on May 16th, love or fear and I decided to reread it. Same ole same ole, another dance around this challenge. Yet witnessing, allowing, trusting, faith are keeping me on my intent to free myself back to my original nature. I am hearing for many this is what is up right now. We are being given the opportunity to heal at super sonic speed.
The good news is I am also seeing many beautiful things appearing in my mirror. People being so supportive and loving, generous and appreciative. I own that that too is the energy I am extending to the world. Those reflections delight me. I am certainly appreciating those. Now to clear up those reflections where I am definitely NOT the fairest of them all and to maintain absolute self love as I do so, ah, this is good and very good.
just saw this from darling Lee Harris and seems somehow to fit in:
http://youtu.be/bxbvoeWN3bQ
It has been an intense few days for me. I had more to transmute in the last five days then in the last five weeks, maybe even the last five months! The lessons are coming fast and furious. Sunday I had my terror freak out. Monday started out fine but deteriorated dramatically. A series of factors helped me lose it totally and become a venomous, striking cobra. We went away for two days and the weather slipped from cloudy to rainy, then there was an accident just before my exit, the drive was hours longer now, my body was again filled with tension and my companion was calmly making a series of critical remarks in a fashion I call "sniping." I was seeking to allow, stay calm, be fair, etc. Then from one second to the next this fierce internal monster arose in attack position. I said in a loud voice, "If you make one more critical remark, I will begin to criticize you and it won't be pretty." My companion got the idea I was not kidding, backed down totally and afterwards we had a very loving, companionable journey.
Yet the viciousness of what I felt inside and clearly witnessed gave me pause, to say the least!!! I could not believe the vehemence with which I had spoken. Mama mia, was this me? Was this rage mine? It was just too dang blatant to ignore. So I began to question what had flipped me out so much, what had me in full attack gear? Hold on to you hats: I had never seen more clearly the projection of my own behavior on to another. I have a life long pattern of being critical and sniping yet I love to ignore and deny it, so much so that I am often truly blind to it. I can see it clearly in you yet in me it is just a litle quirk. I got the concept of it all being a mirror of our own behavior in a way I had never fully realized before. It was quite the rude awakening. I really understood that the possibility for freedom lies not in scanning others for their critical behavior rather in scanning myself to wake up to that in myself. I know absolutely when I free it from myself, I will no longer attract that behavior in others.
I also felt strongly in my being the separation my attack energy created in me. My body became so stressed and stiff that I could not relax swimming for over half an hour. I could not even sit in the normally delightful hot mineral springs. I would go in for a few minutes and my heart rate and blood pressure soared so dramatically, I had to get right out. I felt my spine would snap from the brittleness of the collected stress.
Yet after we went out to dinner and made our peace, I returned to the hot pools and found them to be delightful and not particularity hot. That is what an impact that dynamic had on my body. Again, this is definitely getting my attention. The price of judgment, blame, separation, fear just jumped several levels for me. Trust me, I am vey willing to be vigilant for these behaviors in myself now. I will no longer blindly strike the mirror. That does not mean I will condone poor treatment from others. It just means I would address it in a calm, balanced way with clarity yet without the energy of attack.
The last few days I have also been diving into the perception of overwhelm again. This has not been fun yet I get how this too is merely an opportunity to clear up the last remnants of that life long pattern. It has been very uncomfortable yet I choose to see it as an opportunity for healing, knowing this too shall pass. Someone had read my post back on May 16th, love or fear and I decided to reread it. Same ole same ole, another dance around this challenge. Yet witnessing, allowing, trusting, faith are keeping me on my intent to free myself back to my original nature. I am hearing for many this is what is up right now. We are being given the opportunity to heal at super sonic speed.
The good news is I am also seeing many beautiful things appearing in my mirror. People being so supportive and loving, generous and appreciative. I own that that too is the energy I am extending to the world. Those reflections delight me. I am certainly appreciating those. Now to clear up those reflections where I am definitely NOT the fairest of them all and to maintain absolute self love as I do so, ah, this is good and very good.
just saw this from darling Lee Harris and seems somehow to fit in:
http://youtu.be/bxbvoeWN3bQ
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