I am really struggling with a question and feel it is particularly pertinent to women. I am finding more and more that there are certain energies I experience as hard to be around. Some of the people exhibiting these energies are acquaintances. I experience the energy as draining. It usually involves my perception that either the person is caught feeling like a victim of circumstances or I experience them as in my business or they are looking to me to save them energetically or in some other way. Now I have done these thing over and over a million times myself yet am generally not in that place now. Several people helped carry me through those times and I am very happy to support them or anyone, as long as it does not feel like an energetic drain, where the person unconsciously or consciously is not taking responsibility for their feelings. I feel uplifted holding space for another to explore their challenges. I feel drained when the other person is holding others to blame for the challenge. That is the easiest way for me to describe when I find it easy to hold for another and when I find it almost impossible. I think as women this is a crucial question. How do I free myself from care-taking and rescuing while remaining compassionate? How do I not add to another's suffering or hit them when the are already feeling down yet remain true to my own needs? I still blame and project myself or course and did it twice big time in the last week. It took me years to understand that I was not taking responsibility but now I do it less and less. This question is really creating a feeling of separation inside as I twist and turn with it. When I choose not to interact in these circumstances, the person invariably seems hurt, rejected and confused. The dilemma, stay true to what keeps my energy uplifted yet does not feel compassionate? Or be inauthentic and stay when I really don't want to? I'd love feedback on this. Still very much in process and not expressing this very gracefully as I am writing in a hurry and in the heat of the moment.
you've described perfectly what i've been going thru lately. the dilemma was real for me too... but it's loosing it's grip on me. i've noticed - thru 15/25 yr old friendships - that sometimes ''being compassionate'' doesn't help things. for exemple, i've tried for the last 5 years to explain to a friend, as best as i could, that i felt ''invaded'' (mostly energtically) by him. after 5 years of words, of pulling away a bit and coming back to the friendship, things are still at the same point. i would even go so far as to say that the intrusion is stronger and more uncomfortable.
ReplyDeletei know that me finally cutting the friendship loose - happened within the last 2 weeks! - will hit him hard : it will hit him in his core wound (he was adopted... abandoned twice). but honestly, his behaviour is getting unpretty. and if i stay, it's my core wound that's being reopened.
by putting an end to our friendship, i hit his core wound once. if i stay by his side, i hit my core wound everytime i see him.
no thank you. i'm done.
thank you beloved for putting words on this dilemma; it help me understand a lot.
love and lignt
elmo
Elmo,
ReplyDeleteThank you! It helps to know I am not alone with this challenge. I have cut loose one very long term close friend as she was an addict. I tried using I statements with her and sharing my feelings telling her I was so scared to share my feelings (about 20 years ago) that I felt like I was having a heart attack and she said, "I don't care it you die right in front of me" and I still had a hard time letting her go! Then I cut loose an acquaintance after trying to explain again and again why I felt dragged down by her continuing to want to discuss why she stayed with her abusive husband. I saw her a few weeks ago after years separation and she still did not understand and was hurt. Now this with another acquaintance. I also released a very long friendship a few months ago and it still isn't easy for me. I am proud of you Elmo. Perhaps your courage will give me the strength to stay true to myself.
A friend allows me to add her comments on this subject:
ReplyDeleteHello Beloved....what a great topic and one I'm sure we've all struggled and/or currently address. We're women and as such there is a historical tendency to want to make sure that we are all "alright" and "connected" as a tribe/collective/friends/family. I think that this is still evolving for me but here are some of the things that help when I find myself in these situations. Firstly, continuing to learn to love myself more and more, moves me in the direction of taking better care of myself. So, if I find myself with any energy suck at all I want to withdraw. I feel more self protective. Where this doesn't work as well is with my son or those closest to me. But as of late, my own changing body/mind/soul and exhaustion has made it even easier to just say...."gosh, I'm really beat so I'm going to have to decline the invite, go home early or....whatever the message needs to be". I had a friend I love very much who wanted to get together this weekend and I wanted to see her and she generally isn't an energy suck and yet.....I couldn't do it. I know she's going through a challenging time and we trade energy work sometimes. She's a lot like a little Sister. Still couldn't do it. Offered to do a short phone call to check in and set a timeline of 30 minutes. It was a good call on my part because the energy moving through my body right now has been really powerful and I alternate between no sleep and needing to sleep every couple hours.
If it helps..you can imagine the message you would want to send to your daughter about how sacred her time is and that its ok to say no when needed.
Lastly, I am finally learning that if I don't show compassion to myself, not only will I have nothing to give...I will not have anchored it for the collective. I know there will come a time when I have more to give and I know without a doubt that I will. But I also know that my compassion and or desire to give will not be based on helping in "victim" mode. We know that never moved us forward and it won't move anyone else forward. I had to have that discussion with my sometime lover just last week. He had some terrible things happen to him and was stuck not only ranting (which he had a perfect right to do!!) but ...and here's the kicker for me...."anticipating" more terrible stuff to follow. I had to stop him because my physical reaction was to feel sick. I let him know as lovingly and as kindly as I could that I couldn't go there with him. That I understand his anger and pain and that he has a right to any of his feelings but that to "expect" MORE terrible things to come was keeping him in a terrible place and that I just wasn't going to go there with him. That I believed in him and that he was no longer a victim and that I believed in his ability to make good choices for himself going forward and that good could come to him. It was hard and I felt bad but not as bad as I did when I felt sick inside.
We are all going to need to embrace this because I think we're going to see others going through the same unraveling that we have all gone through and its not going to be pretty....in fact, I think it will be hard to see sometimes. I just pray and look to the time that my faith supports KNOWING that they to can make it through this. We went first to carve a path and in doing that we helped that path be wider and easier to navigate.
I love you for asking this and for allowing me to ruminate on it, dear Sister