princess and the pea and hope

I woke up with another huge awareness. Now I know "revelation is intensely personal" as the Course in Miracles says yet I hope you may get the flavor of what I am discovering. I have been experiencing intense burst of anger. Since my father was a "rageaholic" they are particularly uncomfortable for me. I never had allowed myself to directly express anger yet I now see I had leaked it out indirectly with criticism and cold distain or anger. These burst of rage are pointing the finger to the deeper layer of self hatred I had discovered the other day. I thought I had shaken that bad boy so was less than thrilled to find another cesspool. It all points back to the realization of how profoundly I have judged myself for any behavior that triggers separation, which is basically anything the ego does. Since the ego is part of our human experience, I had doomed myself to eternal self loathing. The repercussions of that continue to reverberate in my life. I see how this self rejection has been the root of my sense of separation. Talk about paradox! So I devote my life to ending the separation within yet by rejecting the part of me that continues to "error," continues to judge, blame, get angry, be unkind I lock myself into a perpetual state of separation!!! I see ever more clearly that the only way out of this mess is total self acceptance, especially the "ugly" parts of myself. I have known that intellectually for a long time yet is now dropping into my being, my heart. I get it! This self judgment that has me reaching out and criticizing others, finding error in them. 

It also had me criticizing myself for my sensitivity. I have felt like the princess and the pea, so hyper sensitive to any feelings of disunity or judgment and also very sensitive to the energies of people around me. My mentor Karl swears this is a good thing as it indicates a higher level of awareness of the very real pain we cause ourselves when we don’t remember our unlimited nature. So the way I translated this was to be “vigilant for the kingdom” by recognizing when I stray into ego (so far so good) but then I judge the shit out of myself! (SORRY, this is NOT the right way to go about this). The idea is merely to bring awareness to how painful the actions of the ego feel, simply observe it neutrally WITHOUT JUDGMENT. The observation and allowance do all the work. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out pain is not something I want more of. So the mere observation and allowance has got me covered. Throwing in judgment sets me back totally, dropping me right back in the cesspool. So I somehow had the twisted yet unconscious idea that all these judgments of myself were fast tracking me to heaven. WRONG. Self acceptance and love is the only way to get there and judgment just won’t cut the mustard. That means really loving the whole package, warts and all. My dear sweetheart (spoken to self), I feel you typing the words while another part of you is going no way am I going to love rage and separation, count me out of that nonsense. So I must witness that resistance neutrally and know that I won’t get where I want to be until that part surrenders, to fight or blame that part of myself is absolutely counter productive. So for now, I am focused on loving the whole bloody mess.

I see that I must be right on track with the healing energies bathing the planet as Brenda was writing on the same subject:

http://lifetapestrycreations.wordpress.com/  you can’t fear and love yourself

Google this if you judge your own sensitivity and see why sensitivity is wonderful! OSHO: Why Do I Get So Sensitive?

also:
http://www.oshoteachings.com/osho-on-sensitivity-how-to-increase-sensitivity/ 

The post below made me feel very hopeful, also reading that a woman in Kenya had twins on election day and named them Obama and Romney.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/0 ... aign-staff