the Source of love

So a big Venus transit is occurring culminating June 4th and as I understand it, it is about healing our relationship to love. Well, in my world, everything that is unloving has been showing up for healing. I have been crying buckets, from joy, celebration, anguish, grief, terror, you name it. Yet here I want to discuss the biggest thing that is happening right now for me. It is about being defensive. For the last few weeks, I have had a number of people telling me things about myself, things they are uncomfortable with, things they see in me, yes, even some things I see as grossly inaccurate and unkind, even seemingly things that are either super inaccurate or maybe even lies. Well, ya gotta just love that little trickster Universe. So  I’m sitting up paying attention, asking, what needs healing here? It has happened way too many times for me to miss the pattern. The fact I have done two intensives on holy relationship and one on undefended love in a month has made things a bit clearer. So fortified with that clarity and vision, when the accusations, anger, rage and blame started flying around involving a number of people alI  through the internet site I follow, I was able to hold it very differently than I would have in the past. I was able to be genuinely curious about what others were seeing in me that I could not see in myself. I was able to sort through what I experienced as accurate and release the rest of it. I was able to see it all as neutral for the most part, to remain non reactive and actually open to what was unfolding. I saw what an incredible and delicious gift that neutrality is, how much freedom it gives me. I remember Byron Katie saying she always sought to see the truth of anything critical anyone says about her and to actually welcome it- I was like, no way Jose. But now I am actually in that space of welcoming and boy has it felt good. As this was unfolding, I felt radical change transforming my literal cellular structure. I could feel energy surging through my body. I barely moved for over 24 hours, hardly slept, was very restless and ill at ease in my body. I could not settle but would move from one spot to another, within a very confined space. I felt pressure, tension, what felt like blockages being opened up in energy channels. It is very hard to put in words. I felt heat, jitters, movement. Yet it felt good and liberating. Until today. 

Today I am immersed in a chaotic and confused energy. One person said another did this and that, I asked that person, they said they did not etc. I do not know who or what to believe. I also found myself caught in more judgment. One person came out with a very harsh indictment of another. I judged that judgment. I am very clear about one thing. I no longer want to be trapped in judgment. I did not know how to proceed so I must allow this uncertainty. I also have had a miracle unfolding. A person from who I had an abrupt and very painful separation has reappeared in my life and is explaining to me what happened from his perspective. He tried to tell me as it was happening but I could neither see or hear as I was too caught in my own drama and pain. I am feeling waves of gratitude and love to have this opportunity to heal. I think another big lesson for me is that there are always two sides to every story. I knew this intellectually yet now it has dropped below the level of the mind. Until now, I was totally blind to my side of what transpired. Now I see that my neediness, co-dependency and demands of another person who says he loves me, came into play, one more time. I pray that it is the last time, that I have learned not to have expectations of people, to try to imprison them in the name of love, demanding they rescue me when I yell for help. I am not talking about genuine care and consideration. I am talking about demands. A big test is coming as my birthday was the time I was most demanding and controlling, trying to prevent my gaping wound from arising. I learned as a child to associate love and presents and therefore would crumble if I did not receive gifts. So for over 30 years I trained and demanded loved ones to give me gifts. Last year there was a coup and rebellion and my love slaves revolted, refusing to cooperate with my scheme. This year I am releasing my demands and quaking in my boots as I do so, afraid of the wound that is under those demands. But this time I am daring the boogie man to show his face. I will confront this one dead on. Let it give me it’s best shot. So this year for the first time in over 30 years I have no plans for my birthday. This is terrifying for me yet something I feel I must face. Now luckily everyone knows how wacky I get on my birthday so I have had a few offers which makes me feel so appreciated. And I will do things to celebrate- just not on the actual day. I get what is the heart of the matter- where is the source of love in my life? Is the love I seek external to me or who I truly am? Is love about getting or giving? If I need to get it, that means I don’t have it. If I am it, there is no need to seek. Wish me luck as I slay this inner demon.