The last few weeks have been rather challenging. I have healed so many things this year, mostly with relative ease. But these last weeks have been a cumulative trial. I know huge healing is occurring yet honestly I have not always been sure I can make it. And that thought is the one that sinks me.
Now despite doing this work professionally, it took me awhile to catch on to the fact that I was bumping up against a negative self image. It just seemed so darn true. My body has been in overwhelm, I am on a hair trigger. This experiences has haunted me much of my life and I thought was finally behind me, the feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin, as though red fire ants were just below the surface, of a loud noise startling me so much I want to cry, of feeling so much tension in my body I swear it could snap. So for it to reappear when my understanding from my guides is that overwhelm/anxiety was behind me, well, I have not been a happy camper. So I did what I usually do, hunker down, keep stimulation to a minimum, not make commitments. But this time I wasn’t going to get away with it. This is the time I am destined to turn and face this monster that has terrified me all my life, that has frightened me into making my life so much smaller than it could be, that has kept me on the run forever. Now, mind you, that was not my first thought since I have a crippling belief that this one could take me out, take me down, finish me off- you get the picture. I am trained to surrender and allow, but this one, no way, jose. ENOUGH ALREADY!! Yes, I have had major resistance and boy has that made it oh so much worse. So I have kowtowed to it, begging for mercy, please leave me in peace!! No such luck. Until finally, I thought I would shatter into a million pieces Then I woke up to the reality that I must irrevocably face this demon. I woke up to the self image I have encased in cement- I believed I was a person who has a sensitive nervous system, is easily overwhelm, etc. I made it into an I AM statement- that is who I am and there is nothing I can do about it. These solar flares, eclipses etc, well, I am just a victim of those energies. Now that doesn’t quite match my statement this year- unlimited power dancing unity. This self image has handicapped me more than any other. It has me on my knees begging for relief. And I finally saw it for what it was- naked, abject fear. So, like always, I have two choices- love or fear. I finally saw I could make another choice.
So what's a girl to do? First I began to “try” to be willing to surrender. To be willing to be willing to allow. Then I began to toy with the truth that this was NOT bigger than me, could NOT take me out. I began to disagree. I asked for Divine assistance and asked that Love dissolve it. I began to entertain the idea I could get through this and be restored to Wholeness. That brought limited relief. So this energy has felt like the most humongous wave in the world, barreling down on me at a million miles an hour. My friend Jenn has been riding the energies as a force of nature like a thunderstorm, saying, “bring it on, I’ll ride and even enjoy whatever is thrown at me. I’m human and I am going to embrace the whole mess.” Impressive. I decided to (timidly) follow in her footsteps. I know this condition has taught me more than almost anything else has, has brought me humility and incredible compassion, has forced me to leave behind all judgment and many attachments. I can actually see its gifts. And still I quake.
Less than a week ago I saw the negative self image and knew it was time to dissolve it. I began to monitor my thoughts and self talk and to disagree with any limiting beliefs or thoughts. I began to surrender and count on Divine assistance. I began to tip toe toward the wave. I began to give up my future negative fantasies of total annihilation.
I began to speak of the possibilities, my unlimited nature, the Love that is behind this obstacle, the space I would create inside by releasing this, the certainty (um, hem, haw) that I would heal this. I used every resource I have to gain the courage to face this one with trust and faith. I recognized that once again I was trying to use my puny little ego to face this monstrosity- no chance. I got that this one is the acid test for me- am I or am I not tapped into an unlimited Power, a Source, a Love that can heal all things? (I just took a little intermission to tell myself I love myself- photo-booth “accidentally” clicked on and there I was sitting in a chair typing. I felt such love for that dear one sitting there, I though I’d take an intermission to tell her how much I appreciate her. Guess what, this is the best I’ve felt for a while.) So, back to the question at hand, to be honest the jury is still out on that one but for sure I am beginning to sincerely lean in that direction, to feel a faith alive in me which calms down my body, to drop down into my heart and out of my head, to have the faith of a mustard seed. To believe that maybe, just maybe, this mountain will move.
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