Tuesday, May 8, 2012

birthday blog two- things are looking up

First, I need to say something I may have said before. I have been told over and over again by numerous sources that I am on the fast track of this ascension business, for whatever reason. I am about ready to unvolunteer but that is another story. So my experience is I tend to get nailed harder and faster than almost anyone I know. Believe me, I have compassion for those few I know getting it harder than me. This last one for me just exceeded design parameters. I went beyond breaking point and broke. Yes, it was not fun, I did not like it, I want to moan and groan. At the same time it is clear to me I am breaking open and that is what I want. Yet I hereby make a demand of the Universe- I am willing to do as required but COOL IT WITH TAKING ME SO CLOSE TO THE EDGE!! ENOUGH WITH THE SUPER HUMAN DEMANDS. EASE UP A BIT, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!! 
I am officially better physically and emotionally. The fever that burned me through the night of my birthday is gone. I get that it was burning up crap but it singed me in the process- man, that was just TOO HOT!!! O.K., O.K., enough with the kvetching.
My dear friend  Kimberly gave me the book Mastery of Love by Ruiz and I started reading it again. It talks about the parasite that tries to get the love it so desperately needs through control, manipulation, demands etc. So my birthday acquired a new energy as that understanding which I had known but had not connected to in the moment really began to sink in. I could see what was happening as it was happening- something relatively new. I realized I was killing off that parasite by releasing expectations, demands, or the desire for others to be different than they are to meet my needs. This afternoon (yesterday- I wrote this part yesterday while it was still my birthday but did not finish it) the parasite was in its death throes and it was not fun. It was dang uncomfortable and I did not feel like allowing it- I wanted to go into victim but I held firm and allowed. My illness forced me to let go of control even more- I did not get to follow my plan for my unbirthday either, I did not go to the river for a solitary picnic. Instead I got to sit in the heat and feel miserable- oh what fun. Yet slowly things shifted- I know, big surprise. My energy got a bit lighter and lo and behold, my wasband showed up with my daughter despite a injunction that to visit was not necessary. After years of being controlling and demanding about my birthday, I wanted him totally off the hook. So they showed up with lots of bouquets of flowers, some gifts but most of all, love and concern for me. They know how wacky I get on my birthday and wanted to honor me. It was so simple and easy. A walk, small talk, the ease of long term connection. Added to all my calls and little gifts, I am quite pleased with my birthday. I had no idea how liberating it would be to get free of expectations. I never enjoyed what I got when I expected something, it never filled the hole lack of love left in me. I am finally really getting it. There is not enough love in the world to fill in the hole of my own lack of internal love, my own lack of wholeness. Now that I am addressing that wound, everything else is a delicious surprise. The smallest thing delights me where before the largest gift left me cold- and my husband hurt and at a loss. Dear friends, I slept through the night, I can talk again more or less, my body feels battered and bruised yet semi functional, I feel hope again. The birds chirp so sweetly and all is well in my world again. But oh what a friggin ride!! Whoee, those were some BIG waves! Here’s hoping that either your waves are down too, or were never up or that you are a great surfer. Big kiss

No comments:

Post a Comment