birthday- viewer warning, not cheerful so read at your own risk

Today is my birthday and I sense a turning point for me. I turned the age both my parents died at, so the number had a big significance for me for a long time. Now I see it as a demarcation point of my rebirth. My parents lives both ended for them in this year. I sense mine is beginning.

I can’t remember how much I have written here about my attachment to gifts as symbols of love yet I have been aware of this and attempting to heal it literally for decades. When I recognized how powerfully presents spoke of love to me, as the only time I knew I was loved as a child, I came to understand the incredible load I had put on my birthday and on presents. I vowed this year to end that attachment. I vowed to release my expectations and I have largely succeeded. I had a number of invitations for today and have had the courage to turn them down. This is something I must face alone. I did go to my dance class and have received wonderful hugs and good wishes. I had a wonderful conversation with a young friend, got a few surprise gifts. I had planned a solitary birthday picnic at the river yet feel too sick still to do that. So I am sitting on my deck with a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I feel quite unwell physically and suspect I had high fever yesterday. I had trouble sleeping. I woke up at 1:11 am and looked at my computer to read about burning away the ego. I was finally able to stop resisting how ill I felt and paradoxically fell into a deep sleep and my fever seemed to go down.

I took food to my daughter’s teacher who just had a baby. This was symbolic of reversing the need to get on my birthday. I did a ritual at a little creek releasing all that no longer serves me and embracing what I wish to pull in. I will do another one on the land burying the defended aspect of myself. 

In case you are wondering, no one entered my contest yet I still get the gift of having attempted to bring more love to our planet. I have done many things differently this year. I am truly touched by the drawings and love notes my daughter gave me. Yet I have made no progress in one area- expectations that I should be happy and enjoy this day.  I no longer feel on the total edge yet I am surely not happy. I feel a deep sadness that boarders on a profound fear that I am just not cut out for this world, that my sensitivity and how easily I become overwhelmed will plague me all my life, that despite all I have transformed I won’t make it to the finish line but will poop out just short. I am not a happy camper. I feel discouraged, ill, sad. I feel like this will never end. I am sad to share such sorrow with all of you and potentially pull some of you into a dark mood yet this blog for me is about truth and this is what is true for me in this moment. I have been in a difficult place for well over a week now and combined with the over two years of such intense transformation, I just feel plain discouraged. Wish it were different but it is not. I am truly grateful for all those who called and offered me love and support. I am deeply touched. And yet, I am still sad. And so it is.

I did receive a few gifts and I can say for sure they don’t begin to touch the gifts of love and care I was given. They pale in comparison which is definite progress! I see directly that only love truly matters to me and I feel so thankful to have so much love in my life. I know I have made progress finding the source of Love with me. Unfortunately I am just not in touch with it at this moment. This to shall pass.