taking dominion

Taking dominion

Wow, I hear Jupiter stationed direct and released a wave of healing energy and it sure feels good. I feel such spaciousness and a quiet joy. I was in Sacramento yesterday and Jan commented on my lightness of being while Jennifer said I was disappearing. She was referring to my weight yet what is actually disappearing is my ego. Now I understand what they mean with feeling so spacious. Most things pass through me now; the density that use to trap energy in me has dissipated enough so it now flows through more effortlessly and efficiently. 

About a decade ago I heard something on TV  that stopped me in my tracks. It was either Wayne Dwyer of Joseph Campbell and he said that only we can free ourselves, only we can do the work in consciousness to obtain liberation. In my graduate school my beloved teacher Mary always talked about taking dominion of one’s own consciousness yet looking back I realize I didn’t really know what that meant. When I heard that again on TV, my world tilted and has never been the same. Many times in my life I have given my power away, wishing someone else would take responsibility for my life, moving into the victim virus, attempting to cajole or corral someone else to make decisions for me. In that moment, I got it; that would never really work. I could have a 1000 gurus lined up in front and in back of me and that would not set me free. I had to dig in, do the work, slog through the mud until the waters ran clear. Despite whatever inspired teachers I might have, they could not and would not do it for me. On that day I heard that message, I was clinically depressed and had been for about two weeks. I had never before or since experienced that level of depression which is why the TV in the hotel was on at all. I had allowed my daughter at age 3 to watch about six hours of television, a previously unheard of event. I literally laid on the bed and could barely move. So let’s just say that I didn’t exactly jump for joy when I heard the news that now I would have to ultimately heal myself or not live the life of my dreams. Mind you, this was after being licensed as a therapist, doing many trainings, enough that I thought I should have already “arrived” by then. No such luck. Now I know it is a journey rather than a destination and I am finally having much more fun on the road.

I had something similar occur with money. I had experts telling me to do this or that and I followed without question, sometimes like a lemming into the sea. I tried asking a few questions after a few years of having some inherited money to manage. The ones managing the money were my deceased parents’ bankers. They were all older, white men and I kowtowed to their authority. I allowed them to diminish me and divert my questions. I allowed myself to feel stupid when they would explain things that were way over my head. Flash to now where I have healed this one almost completely. If my money manager says something I don’t understand, I tell him to talk in plain English and I don’t let it go until I understand, even if it takes a few tries. I feel very empowered and confident. I make both good and not so lucrative decisions and I stand by them regardless of outcome. I have a delightful, playful relationships with my manager Tim I have taken dominion here.

I am fairly complete with my consciousness too. These last weeks were less than delightful yet except for a few hours, I allowed it, I stayed out of story, I kept the faith. I know I am not “done”, yet I feel empowered and  responsible here. Yesterday in Mastery class, someone was deeply embedded in unraveling and was in very obvious pain. Years ago I would have jumped in with her, months ago I would have grieved her pain. Yesterday I immediately surrounded her in a field of love. I KNEW she would get through it. Part of me celebrated knowing she is well on her way and that the outcome is so worth the journey. I could witness her pain with something approaching gratitude as I knew her current tears were liberating her. I knew she was buried in fear and doubt yet I saw the illusion and held a field to support her in elevating her viewpoint until she could see the truth for herself. What a different experience! I use to think it was almost cruel or lacked compassions when teachers would seem so neutral when they witnessed another’s suffering. Now I get it.

About two weeks ago, I became hyper aware of the one area I was not taking full dominion of, my physical health. Yes, I have a health coach, yes I have made huge strides and am more healthy than ever. Yet I would still choose the pleasure of food over my own health. My infected toe broke me of much of that pattern. A paradigm shift has occurred and I have moved out of victim mode and it feels wonderful. It is such an important topic I want to devote an entire blog to it. To be continued...

tools for awakening and you do not have to be good

I was just siting down on my deck to write this when a flock of geese passed overhead calling to me stridently. Because of something that occurred yesterday, I planned to focus this blog on tools of awakening. Yet the way the geese circled overhead three times, honking to me with beauty yet urgency told me I must include Mary Oliver's poem too. The first time I read it, I burst into tears and I used it for several years to break me of my previous need, no doubt spawned from my Catholic upbringing, to be good, to color in the lines, to follow the rules and to be squeaky clean. I now laugh at such limitation and wonder that they once so confined me. I feel almost the opposite and revel in my more wild, passionate, untamed side. I know this poem became so popiular that some began to consider it almost trite yet that takes nothing away from my experience. I include the poem here in case any of you are also plagued as I once was by the need to be "good":

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes, 

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting  

over and over announcing your place 

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver 

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver

Witnessing another's pain yesterday made me very aware of how easy it is to be swept away by our own personal lies, by the voice of doubt and self hatred, by inner demons. From what I am reading and witnessing, the energies are supporting us both in breaking free by shining more light on us yet conversely, this brings the shadow more into the fore and it is increasingly urgent that we know how to mitigate these shadows. I want to review and consolidate my favorite tools for transversing this challenging terrain.

Primarily, we must allow. This can be quite a task when everything inside wants to run from these uncomfortable energies. To merely sit and witness them takes practice. Please do not use any of these tools to beat yourself up when you don't use them at all or don't use them "correctly” (this is an easy error to buy into; merely do your best and know it is enough.) To me one of the most practical ways to be stronger in witness mode is to study meditation and/or meditate as a group. It is so much easier that way. I had never meditated at all until an afternoon workshop in Katmandu (I still think it is the coolest thing in the world that I was even in Katmandu, doesn't it sound delicious?) and then two 10 day silent retreats on Koh Phangan (I might have spelled that wrong) in Thailand. The silent retreats were torturous and amazing and deeply ground me in the meditation practice. As I wrote before, I could easily mediate 20 minutes while in Asia and yet found 5 minutes difficult when I returned to the States after many years abroad. Start with one minute or whatever works for you and build up. Why meditate? Without the ability to witness ourselves as an observer, we are lost in the story of our lives. When we can witness our own lives, we are at choice and can begin to transform our previous conditioning.

The other three tools from Way of Mastery are intention, desire and surrender. Intention and desire are probably the easiest for many people. Get clear what you want and keep your focus there. Intend the live of your dreams. The work of Abraham and the Hicks is excellent to strengthen these skills.

Surrender is one of the trickiest for me. I first surrender with my will and mind yet often it is false surrender with conflicting intentions. Like the emptiness that is slowly dissipating within me. I did my best to surrender and allow it yet I did it holding my nose with large parts of me saying, no freaking way!! I wanted to run and hide and sometimes I could only surrender a minuscule part of myself to the emptiness. It reached a crescendo yesterday and then I turned it over with genuine surrender. Miraculous results then flowed. My mouth fell open when I saw what unfolded the minute I sincerely surrendered. How to know if the surrender is real? For me, there is a feeling of release, of energy flowing, of clarity and often tears of joy as I experience the freedom that comes with true surrender. When I am partially surrender, my body has tension, pockets of resistance with a concurrent body pressure and discomfort. For example, I was in a very good space and someone in the house just did something that created a charge in this moment. I feel my body tense as though given a blow. I feel myself intend and desire to surrender yet the lack of flow tells me I am not there. I accept that without judgment and just observe the whole process. I feel strong resistance as I was finally feeling better and I able to observe how quickly I went into judging this person's behavior and feeling hurt by it. Now the good news is I am not judging myself for judging him! Progress!

The easiest tool right now is time in nature. I am sitting on my deck as I write this with frozen fingers. I hear the wind chimes, the cawing birds and the soothing sound of the wind. This is such a vital and easy way to stay ground and restore inner balance. Use it!

The care and feeding of the physical body is another important tool. I plan to write more on that later.

An offshoot of intention and desire is focusing on what you want. Our thoughts create an energy field and if one focuses on what they don’t want, the corresponding energy field begins to pull that in, through law of attraction (again see Ester Hicks and Law of Attraction.) When you notice yourself focusing on what you don’t want (ex stop smoking which keeps focus on smoking as opposed to having healthy, clean lungs or focusing on unpaid bills rather than on abundance) shift your focus to what you do want. Feel the energy of fulfilled desire as a great way to actually fulfill that desire.

The last key tool for me, at least for now, is shifting beliefs. If you keep believing in the same old limitations and scarcity, negative self images or excuses to hate yourself, you will keep pulling in evidence to support those beliefs. For me, Byron Katie is the quickest way to shift those beliefs. Observe them when you see patterns in your behavior and then question them. Is it true that I am .... (insert negative thought)  NO, IT IS NOT TRUE. You are gorgeous, amazing, a gift to the planet!!! Anything that doesn’t line up with that is just not true.

Last but not least (o.k., I forgot to say this and had to come back and add it, opps )  REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVE, REMEMBER YOUR TRUE IDENTITY, KNOW IT AND EMBRACE IT. hope that is enough said on that topic.

(Update: the charge that flowed through my body a while ago is completely gone and forgotten until I reread this to correct any errors. Further update: later this person came up to me thanking me profusely for basically nothing, It was then clear to me that what I had experienced as rejection was really thoughtlessness, unconsciousness that is just such a part of the human experience. Why take it personally? I always use to want to correct other's unconsciousness yet now when I realize how gracious it feels when people overlook or forgive my unconsciousness, I prefer to let it go whenever I can.)

Alright my loves, got it? Those are your marching orders. Do your best to enjoy the whole sweet, messy, challenging, delicious, frustrating, overwhelming, liberating process.

choosing the leap of faith- updated

UPDATE:

I have changed the title of this post as I initially referred to another's crisis of faith. I realize I am NOT having a crisis of faith. I have been mildly discouraged and definitely not in my preferred embodied bliss yet I am super aware that what is coming forwarded are aspects of my personality still in need of healing. These are parts of myself that were either flying under my radar or I had falsely presumed were completely healed. My experiences for about a month forced me to witness what a big, yet previously unconscious, role irritation has played in my life. My big left toe has been infected for over two month and the symbolic meaning has to do with irritation. Once I placed my focus there, I saw how often I was irritated and how powerfully that irritation irritated my body, the big toe just being one example. My continuing challenge with a service company that began in May served as the perfect foil for this lesson. They broke their word repeatedly and failed to resolve the problem or show up as scheduled over many months. When I witnessed how irritated I was, how my body would heat up, I finally got the lesson. I saw how even low grade irritation limits me and keeps me in the prison of judgment. As soon as I got it, they literally showed up the next morning and fixed the problem. Previously whenever they did actually show up, I would greet them with irritation about how long it was taking. They would invariably either not have the part they needed, forget to do something or cancel at the last minute. This time I greeted the employee with laugher, seeing the joke was on me. I saw clearly how they had served me by bring this limitation to my conscious awareness. I smiled, knowing all was well and not surprisingly, he was able to complete the job. Now I just need the city to sign off on the inspection and this chapter will be complete.

The next lesson I had thought healed is emotionally flat lining. I had chosen this route in my late 20's to mitigate the unending anguish I felt being so emotionally volitile. I actually succeeded in becoming emotionally dead and felt almost nothing for about a decade. It took years of awareness to reverse that debilitating trajectory. To have it resurface now was not fun. I am very grateful that I am going through this primarily as the witness with little reactivity. I felt myself go into story and upset with a possible crisis of faith erupting yet I was able to pull back and stay centered enough to allow this to unfold and heal. I have been down the story/upset road enough times to know it never ends well. Luckily yesterday tiny buds of pleasure and feelings are emerging. To have no feelings, to be indifferent to the love around me has been one of my worst nightmares. To be able to hold fast in witness/ allowance as this has occurred has been a true test of faith. Luckily , I have been up to the task with a few moments of rejection bleeding through. I do have faith this will lead me to greater love. Yes, I am not enjoying the process. Yes, I wish it were over. Yes, I will allow this releasing to do its magic until I again taste freedom, joy, home and my essence, love.



The last week or so has not been particularly enjoyable. I am feeling flat lined. All things that gave me such joy and pleasure now seemingly don't touch me. Nothing really moves me or brings in joy. The ground beneath me continues to dissolve. My The Course in Miracles, Way of Mastery don't really come alive, nor do my closest relationships or other foundational aspects of my previous life. My sense is a major clearing is underway and I have been surprisingly neutral about it, just observing it for the most part. I have moments when I want to stamp my foot and say "ENOUGH!" but I know that gets me nowhere, just digs me in further so for the most part I can let the triggers pass by. Reading another's crisis of faith made me more certain these are whatever energies are afoot so I share here in case you are feeling something similar. I share another's crisis even though his particular focus does not really speak to me, whether or not we are being supported by non earth entities. I know that I have guides and teachers in non physical form and that is enough for me, I don't speculate further. But it feels right to share the link here. I send you love and support as we clear the next waves on our journey home to ourselves.

http://wesannac.com/2013/01/24/reposted-channeled-interview-with-the-pleiadians-crisis-of-faith/

and this wonderful comment from Think with your Heart really speaks the truth, as far as my experience tells me:

Hi Yonatan…I totally understand how you feel – it’s a constant battle to stay positive (I know, believe me)- I highly recommend Dana Mrkich new post on FB to perhaps lift your spirits (it did mine) here’s an extract…..’On a personal level our new gratitude intentions suddenly have us confronting a barrage of unexpected bills and a head full of fearful, lack-oriented thoughts. Our commitment to deeper acceptance brings up a wealth of anger and resentment that has been simmering under the surface for years. Our decision to look for meaningful work is met by the offer of a promotion at our current job and our resolution to open up to our soulmate often invites phone calls from ex’s. Our desire for more creativity and passion triggers a bout of self-doubt and depression.
This ‘dust’ that has been raised is often misinterpreted by people as ‘My intentions aren’t working! Everything is as bad as ever if not worse!’ Meanwhile our energy must feel very frustrated, because here it is thinking it is helping us in the greatest way possible and we are feeling like it is sabotaging us or ignoring us!
Our energy helps us by shining a spotlight into every nook and cranny of our being in direct response to our new intentions. It highlights and magnifies every belief, every thought pattern, every past experience, every cellular memory and every personality aspect that is connected to our new intention including the ways in which those parts of us are working against our new intention. This spotlight is showing us: Look, this is what you believe, this is how you think, this is the part of you that has been creating that old reality, and here is the part of you that needs to awaken if you want to create a different, new reality. Our energy holds up mirrors in front of us: Look, this is how you see yourself, this is how you feel about yourself, this is what you believe you are worth, this is what you’ve been attracting and here is why.
This process happens to us individually, and it is happening right now very intensely on a collective level. As a society we are being called to a higher level of intentions regarding how we want our world to look and feel.’ ….There’s lots more if any of this resonates. Just thought I’d share it as the going has been so tough recently, (personally esp since 21/12!) With love, frances x

Today's oracle report speaks to the challenge and an antidote- being in nature and connecting to Gaia

http://oraclereport.com/  January 25

and

http://aquariusparadigm.com/2013/01/26/jesus-you-will-likely-be-experiencing-unsettling-mood-swings/ 

love grows, messages of hope

This brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I am reading increased incidents of violent outburst. At the same time, I am reading so many touching acts of generosity and kindness. Which will we choose to focus on? I am even touch by the story of Lance Armstrong. My sense is that he is deeply confused, that he was given the subtle or overt message to win at any cost and now is genuinely perplexed that his actions have generated such antipathy. May we all be gentle with ourselves and each other as the ground beneath continues to shift and dissolve.

http://gma.yahoo.com/homecoming-surprise-tennessee-teen-200343676--abc-news-topstories.html

another sweet one:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/dolphin-caught-fishing-line-approaches-divers-help-204937084.html

I read another story about a waiter who refused service to patrons who were complaining that a special needs child was in the restaurant with them. The waiter and the restaurant received hundreds of grateful calls praising his actions. I no longer have the link yet this story too tells me the tide has turned. Years, maybe even months ago, he might have been fired.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/waiter-refused-customer-becomes-hero-144638357--

I also read how politicians now can cry in public. In the 70's a politician's presidential run was destroyed by public tears. Thank God, now politicians get to be human.

http://news.yahoo.com/hillary-clintons-tearful-moment-benghazi-help-hurt-185100132.html

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/louisiana-police-officer-makes-mentally-disabled-teens-dream-230347077--abc-news-topstories.html 

following the line of energy

Dorothy, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore (wizard of Oz reference.) My energy field feels very different yet very good. Life is so much easier for me. I see triggers and somehow feel myself about to step on the bomb and am able to pull back and make another choice. As a silly example, my dear friend Karin wanted to get a photo I had taken and use it as her business card.  I had not yet downloaded my photos and was concerned about letting her use the memory card without having about five months of photos on my computer yet. I had been unable to download them for one reason and another. The day we were to do it, I felt an anxious drop in my stomach and I watched the story of lost photos and irritation begin to churn in my head. As I felt my body tighten, I made a conscious choice to change that story line, see everything going smooth, feel grateful I could help my friend and let go of my previous over attachment to my photos. I once had an absolute shit fit when on safari in Kenya because I missed a photo of some cheetahs playing. I was so freaked our driver stayed in the park after hours so I would calm down. Happily, it ended well as because of that we happened upon two ostriches doing a mating dance. That event was so visually stunning I remember it clearly to this day. O.K. back to my example. So this was a big deal for me. Yet it turned out exactly as rehearsed and all is well.

I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently. 
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.

baby steps

I am going through an interesting shift and not feeling the urge to write. I am aware I am letting go of a part of me that I saw as essential to my identity and am only slowly recognizing how it has limited me. I am allowing time for this transformation to unfold.

I will copy a comment I made for a wonderful project listed below as some indication of where I am presently:

Thank you for clarifying your intent and the best way to support this wonderful project. Here are a few of the things I have noticed with Matangi’s assistance. First, my life long addiction to sugar significantly subsided and I have been able to eat in much great harmony with my body’s true needs. At the same time “ordinary” food has never tasted so delicious! I am aware of subtle flavors and my food which I use to consider boring now taste divine. I notice so much more peace and tranquility. I am able to stay out of ego drama ever more effortlessly. I can often watch a loved one make outrageous statements without reacting or needing to be right. As though I am a martial artist, I can merely step aside and let the energy pass. I notice my face is changing shape and that the corners of my mouth that used to always turn down, as both my parents’ did, are often in a half smile and remained more turned up. I feel more spacious and have been able to slow way down. I recognize how when I move fast, I lose presence so now I frequently can slow down enough to stay in the moment.
Family harmony is greatly increased. My animals (bunny and cat) are much more affectionate and want to be held more.
Everything appears in sharper focus and the light seems brighter to me. Everything seems so vivid. Little details delight me like the pores of my cat’s nose sparkling in the sunlight. I find it so delicious to be outside and soak in the warmth of the sun on my legs. The sounds of the birds can bring me to tears of joy.
Perhaps most of all the feelings of struggle and overwhelm that have plagued me all my life are dissipating. I feel increasingly at Home in myself. A few years ago I recognized how alien I felt on this planet and how I wanted Scotty to beam me up. Now I am happy to be here, to be me, to be alive. I am finally learning how to enjoy being embodied where as previously I avoided landing in myself. The feeling of homecoming moves me to tears.

These are a few of the things I am noticing and am so enchanted you are doing this. Some of the shifts have been ongoing in the last months yet they have been considerably heightened lately. Some, like the sugar and increased sense of taste and staying out of ego drama ever more effortlessly are particular to when Matangi began supporting us.
The oracle report helped ground me through the difficult times, letting me know I was not crazy or alone but right on target. What 
a pleasure to be able to give back!!

http://www.mahavidyaproject.com/

I came across this sweet post which I pass on:

http://aquariusparadigm.com/2013/01/19/meline-lafont-lady-portia-the-new-world-has-taken-its-first-babysteps-into-humankinds-hearts/

a key investment is the physical body

I have been noticing how self care has become more critical. I am witnessing in myself and other's that there is little wiggle room for self destructive behavior. It appears to me that the consequence of such behavior is increasingly costly. A number of people have spoken of similar challenges when they do not choose to do what is in harmony with their bodies best interest. I have an infection yet ate a lot of sugar over the holidays and continue to pay the price. I committed a week ago to cool it and am feeling very capable as previously it was so difficult for me to cut out some of my bad eating habits. I do not want to instill fear; I do want to point out something I am experiencing as increasingly essential. Check inside for your own truth. Here is today's morning blessing with the same message:

On the road to transformation, your best investment is your physical body. I 

know

many are operating within conservative budgets right now so I want to campaign 

for

some pampering on behalf of your biological field of intelligence which is 

working

overtime right now. Chiropractic adjustments, Rolfing sessions, massage and deep

 tissue work can be quite beneficial for strengthening your cellular and 

skeletal

components, balancing your emotions and stabilizing your electro-magnetic energy

 field especially during the first few weeks of change over. Be more mindful of 

your posture and how you use your body. Develop the habit of communicating with 

your body - slow down and express gratitude, breathe deeply to recharge your 

body

• and your investment will yield great rewards.

www.angelaperegoff.com

our hearts as guides

You see, so many are missing that the heart is like the fuel tank of your body. If you do not fuel your heart, if you do not allow your heart to feel, you become very quickly depleted and distressed and the nerve center of many human beings, the mind, starts to fray, starts to fragment, starts to become distressed. It starts to find things to feel that are wrong because the heart is being neglected. - The heart is the fuel tank, so fill it. Fill it with whatever makes your heart feel good. ~~Ziadora through Lee, from The Heart of Humanity and Energy Speaks  Lee Harris


Beloveds,

I read these words this morning and thought how true they are. I notice how erratic my behavior can be if my heart feels sore or empty. When I am at Home in my heart, I feel so expanded and everything I say and do feels exulted, true, authentic. I have been blessed with a sensitive heart, as so many of us are. Sometimes the pain of not being in touch with the Love that we are is so painful we will do anything to shut it down. This to me is the source of all addiction. Yet my heart is my true north and increasingly, as I open to the field of Love, my heart feels more fulfilled and honored. I still have big waves where I feel myself scrambling again for love or fulfillment outside myself, yet less often and less intensely. In this moment, I am experiencing such a wave. Yet I know the wave is finite, healing and not the ultimate Truth. I currently want to bemoan certain circumstances in my life, even while being able to witness how they have served my growth. I am able to witness a loneliness arising, even while with a loved one. Luckily I have cleared enough beliefs and personal lies to not fall fully into the trap. I sense this is just another wave, leading me to greater liberation so I allow it to pass, feeling it, cringing a bit but overall staying in witness. I find one of the best antidotes for such loneliness is to send love around the globe, as I do as a daily practice. I literally feel my chest expanding as I increase the field of love around me. It feels so good in the expansion mode, uncomfortable as duality plays out and I contract. Yet I am learning to be at peace with both side while I live in this human body. I send you such Love, my Beloveds. May it enter and fill your hearts.

soul agreements

I have been contemplating soul agreements for some time, amazed at the intricacy of the scripts that often play out in service to our healing, particularly when we set powerful intentions for transformation. I am still stunned at the way the dissolution of my marriage compelled so many subconscious patterns to the surface, forcing a massive transformation. 

I am writing this today because I find it very useful to be aware of when these agreements are playing out. Having enough altitude to recognize these agreements and witness repeatedly how they ultimate are vitally instrumental in restoring us to wholeness, allows me to become more neutral and forgiving when these uncomfortable patterns arise.

A loved one and I have a very momentous soul agreement. Her Leo/lion often has tangles with my Tarsus/bull energy for some fairly intense entanglements. Over the years they have diminished in frequency and strength yet are still significant. Recently high drama ensued with a seemingly unfortunate consequence. (As always I speak in general terms as I find it easy to be an open book yet my loved ones are much more private and I respect their preferences. In addition, I find these tell all portrayals shaming and not the ideal way to heal.) It certainly got my attention and brought my control issue to the fore. Throw in my “guru girl” spiritual ego and we have an unfortunate combination it is time for me to heal at a deeper level. I have been aware of my control issues for many years and see how it ties deeply to my father. My father died years ago so I feel more comfortable speaking about his influence on me. For me, my dad was an absolute authoritarian figure who instilled terror in me. I learned the belief that either I was controlled or I assumed control. I chose the later to the misfortune (seemingly) of those close to me. Yet I know they have their own soul agreements and thus I play a part in helping them heal their victim pattern or whatever their issue may be.

This latest example a week ago stopped me in my tracks and I said ENOUGH! My filter is now scanning for my controlling, “holier than thou” behavior and it is not pretty. Yet I do not judge myself, rather I have deep compassion as I know how overpowering my conditioning was. Yet I am unwilling to allow it to continue. I have set an ardent intention to clear out this pattern for the last time. The main way I am doing this is by zipping it (my mouth) when I feel myself about to tell this person what is best. Huge amounts of conditioning by my family and society feel like they are burying me in the command to take control. It literally feels like this person is in danger if I do not direct her actions. I physically feel the weight of the conditioning; that awareness is gained through years of meditation that allows me to observe myself and my reactions. I feel agitation arise in my gut, my stomach clenches and my jaw tightens with the effort to keep it shut. My mind races, screaming DANGER!! Yet I have developed enough self control through years of training to not act on these energies, rather to witness them. Yes, it takes concentration. Yet when I surrender to an awareness, an Intelligence that is able to see the big picture, miracles ALWAYS ensue. I was so sure I knew best, yet three separate seemingly miraculous solutions have arisen to resolve what I perceived as dangerous situations in a totally unexpected manner. You’d think by now I’d get use to it, yet my mouth is often hanging open, going “huh?!” I am slowly developing more trust which makes it easier to surrender the next time. The solutions are so elegant and so unforeseen. Ya gotta love it! Perhaps you may want to review your life to see if you can begin to witness the patterns playing out and the characters you’ve assigned certain roles to help bring those patterns to awareness and, ultimately, to transformation and healing. It’s kind of like a good detective novel. For me, it is getting to be almost fun and certainly endlessly fascinating. As always, the feelings of peace and liberation are so worth the price of admission. Want to play with me? Feel free to comment on any patterns you recognize or need assistance with.

p.s. About 10 minutes after writing this blog, I got caught arguing with someone else's ego. I did not feel very reactive but mildly annoyed and hurt. We both pull back and within minutes I realized my error was in listening the voice of her ego as though it spoke the truth. My ego spouts a bunch of nonsense and this person is great at ignoring it. I need to learn the same skill. At least I didn't go toe to toe but it was a close call not to fall into major drama. Yea for presence!! Yea for awareness and clarity!

http://www.nicolyachristi.com/uncategorized/antagonists-adversaries-our-evolutionary-teachers

a favor

I added the revolving globe as it delights me to know where my blog family lives yet unfortunately many viewers and countries are not registering, such as Ireland, Malaysia, Russia and so on. I don't know why I am so curious yet I am aware that seeing all those little Lights and knowing the field of Love we can jointly create if we intend to, feels so magnificent to me. My dreams of dialogue and discussion have never materialized yet if any of you would be willing to say the town and country you are from in the comments, I would LOVE it!! 

no problem

Something that happened to me recently seems to be a perfect example of how our new ability to co-create works. During a storm in early December, my car was severe damaged by the carport that tore loose and smashed it. I saw the damage while I was on the phone after an intense night with howling winds. My wasband had put the carport up for me as a birthday gift and was very disturbed that the car was so severe damaged and seemingly experienced some guilt about it. I refused to get upset and was remarkably calm. I could hardly believe it myself. Roads were washed out so he was unable to come immediately to survey the damage which included a downed tree. I was in the midst of the experiences that were forcing me to heal my challenge with overwhelm and perhaps that is why I stayed calm; I simply didn't have the space or energy to be disturbed. Also I did not my wasband to feel bad or guilty which was another factor in my neutrality. I certainly care more about him than my car. I was able to do what I suggested in an earlier post:

"Whatever the hell happens, say this is what I need. It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity. If you bring love to that moment, not discouragement, you will find the strength there. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes." 


- Joseph Campbell, the Follow Your Bliss Man 

I was only a little concerned when the adjustor almost had to total the car, an eventuality I very much did not want and did not happen. Instead it really did turn out to be an opportunity.
I took the car in this week for the repairs. One thing after another turned out miraculously. First they have to repaint the entire car so I am having them paint it the color of my prior car, a color I loved. The only thing I did not like about this car was the color so I got a wish I never imagined would come true; a car a color that lifts my energy. Then the car rental place had a run on cars so when I arrived with my reservation they had to upgrade me to the only remaining car while keeping my low price. Thus I am driving in a very cushy, comfortable car. The insurance gave me a flat rate for the full amount of time allowed for the rental. The shop thinks they can be finished more quickly and I chose an inexpensive car (even though I got a fancy one "coincidentally.") Plus I had some very minor details of the repair skipped. So in the end I will have a car painted the color I love and come out with almost a $1000 in my pocket while driving a fancy car in the interim. I had no idea it might turn out like this, better than I could possibly have imaged. The way I see it by staying absolutely neutral, the situation unfolded beautifully and actually turned out to be a good thing in my life. I mentioned it to my wasband to assure him there really was no problem. I just love it as it clearly demonstrated to me the possibilities of living a miraculous life of co-creation when we decided not to get attached or upset by external circumstances. We live in a new world of very new possibilities, opportunities (that may appear as challenges) and "no problem."

Whose responsible for my life? Finding our inner authority

Three forces have come together to support me in taking a closer look at this question. The first was a blog by Wes from Aquarius Paradigm. Apparently some people are targeting their disappointment about 12/21 at him and making him responsible for what they chose to believe would occur. He is such a delightful, wise, generous kind man I was disheartened to hear others were expressing their frustration on him. The second was a post I saw from Lee Harris, below, where he talked to a channeling friend whose guides told her to go eat an apple. She did it and then they asked her why she did it. She said, because you told me to. They asked, but why? They wanted her to realize that she must be the ultimate authority in her own life and not surrender that responsibility to anyone, including her channeled guides. 

The third trigger was this morning in a conversation with my friend and spiritual partner Uschi who told me one of my blogs didn’t resonate with her. That’s when the big bingo went off in my head. It is critical that we be the authority in our own lives. We have been trained to surrender that inner wisdom to people in positions of “authority” such as doctors, teachers, gurus, religious figures, relatives or even government. This is not desirable particularly as structures continue to collapse and the ground beneath our feet is constantly shifting. We must trust ourselves to know what is best for us and not surrender our choices to anyone else. Only we have lived with ourselves our entire life and only we will be held accountable for our choices, The temptations to let another make the decisions for us can have unfortunate consequences when things don’t turn out as expected. We lock ourselves into the victim/aggressor/savior or rescue triangle. We keep ourselves enslaved, a puppet on the string of whatever authority we want to save us. We are too magnificent to limit ourselves in this way. Please, always check everything you hear against your own wisdom. Does it feel good? How does your body respond? Are you getting red flags. The choice and consequences are ours. 

DEveloping our own inner authority and wisdom can be hard work. I have spent decades developing my inner strenght. It feels easier to depend on another and then blame them if it doesn't turn out as we wish. I know I have done this numerous times. Yet as I continue my commitment to my own inner growth, this choice is no longer accepatable. This is not to blame those who are doing this as clearly it is done from lack of awareness. It is just a little wake up call. Always consult the oracle within. But hey don’t listen to anybody about this, including me.

http://wesannac.com/2013/01/07/shifting-focus-to-repair-our-world/

Lee Harris   http://youtu.be/GDWBxOhmvOk 

go outside! spending time in Nature

A quick note. Has anyone else noticed the shift in the sun? It is higher in the sky relative to where it was prior to 12/21 and it is brighter. Two of the best things to help adapt to this intensified energy is to just spend a few minutes outside often. Even if it is cold out, bundle up and do it!! Gaia is best able to help us balance our energy when we allow ourselves the embrace of the  sights and sounds of the natural world. Since 12/21, I have found even just a few minutes of being silent while listening to the wind and birds can restore me to inner harmony. I have developed a relationship with the land and animals and it brings me great riches. Like any relationship, it requires nurturing to have the most ideal connection. Experiment and see what happens. I do recommend giving it some time to see what develops.
I also recommend glancing at the sunrise or sunset for a few seconds to absorb the sun’s new frequency which will then bring you up to speed. This new energy has many gifts if we can adjust to the higher frequency.

we have arrived; let's begin to create the new planetary heart matrix

Beloveds,

As I read the post below, I felt truly inspired. I felt a strong sense of expansion and possibility. I will write more on this later yet would be so pleased if you would take the time to read the (long) post below. Let me know if you need me to post the entire blog so that you can translate it. It is a call to action, a call that has been germinating in me for a very long time. That call lifts me from victim to conscious co-creator of the world I yearn to live in. As the feeling of home, of tenderness, of such exquisite Love continue to flourish within me it become absolutely essential for me to extend my inner aliveness outward. I call to each of you, my Beloveds, to join me/us in the creation of the evosphere, the new heart Matrix where Love is the only legitimate guiding force. We have arrived, the time is Now. Let’s begin.

http://newearthdaily.com/2013-the-blank-slate-by-nicolya-christi/

Remembering our loving essence while exiting lala land

I seem to have passed through the latest wave of fear. It was strong and for some hours nothing seemed to relieve it. Yet I must acknowledge that it has been months since I was completely trapped in fear with no memory of my true nature as Love. Yes, it was just a little peep of Presence yet a tiny window reminded me it was temporary, illusion, a lie I was telling myself and finite. This helps!

Here is what I am realizing. I and a lot of other people were looking to 12/21/12 as some magic mythical event. I secretly hoped it would reward me for all my hard work releasing frightened parts of myself with some major dispensation clearing much of the forgetting and blessing me with more total recall of my true nature. Of course, I hoped this would happen to many if not most "lightworkers" or anyone devoted to Love. Then from this exulted position of knowing we would extend ourselves to the next level of beings ready to remember. In many ways, I think that is what occurred. Yet the way I perceive it is as a choice rather than a dispensation. Now I must stay more focused to make that choice. My old habits of sugar addiction and chaos in my environment have definitely been my experience for the last weeks. When people say nothing happened I can hardly fathom it as, for me, the intensity of the upgrade has swamped me in many ways. I sense I am finally adjusting and landing back in Sophia's embrace. I was able to spend an hour cleaning up the debris piled up in my house, clean the bunny cage and even do the wash! Now these were beyond my reach for quite some time. I was wise enough to acknowledge the intensity and cut myself a break so I had no judgment about the mess, just fear that it would not end and that I would again become semi functional.

I just listened to the new year's audio from the oracle report. It confirmed what I already knew; the stakes are higher as those who do not wish us the highest good amplify their attempts to maintain control and pump us with fear. Over the years, I gradually began to question some of the things designed to induce fear. The first time I really got it was when the next major flu that was suppose to wipe out thousands was hyped. I refused to even remember the name of it let alone get some vaccination. I refused to fear for my child (that took more stamina.)  I remember a joke that circulated along the lines of; can't eat pork, swine flu; can't eat chicken, bird flu, can't eat beef, mad cow so might as well eat ice cream!! Then there was the terror alert scale on TV or some such. I have not watched TV in about a decade so I did not have to suffer from that nonsense much yet see enough garbage just opening my computer.

Yet I have had to exit fairy land. Fairy land is where I believe the white knight is going to rescue me. For years it was a man I sought to save me from my feelings of inadequacy, of not feeling capable, of not feeling loved. Well, the dissolution of my marriage cured that one. Yet inadvertently I shifted to some magic energy rescuing me from myself, from my fears and ego patterns. In a very real way they have and are lifting us. There is an astounding energy of love available yet we must choose it continuously. Fear beguiles us with its enveloping web and it takes courage to leave it's sticky grasp repeatedly. I expected great ease post 12/21. In some ways yes. I feel the accessibility of the energy of Love in a very powerful new way. Yet I have had to increase my practices to have the clarity to choose that Love energy. I have a gratitude practice, an embodied joy practice, a meditation practice. Every morning as soon as I wake up I set my intention for a joyful, loving, peaceful day. I surrender to Divine will. I extend an energy field of Love around the globe. All before I get out of bed. I have created a new alter; it is a sand tray filled with powerful tokens of earth energy such as sand, stones, shells, sand dollars and so on. I surround myself with statues of my guides such as Yeshua, Buddha, Ganesh, Quan Yin. I just downloaded paintings of Mary Magdalene whose energy I have recently been connecting to powerfully. I wear colors that lift me. I sit near the sunny side of the deck in silence to absorb Gaia's strength. I constantly read uplifting literature. I go to my Way of Mastery class and connect with high energy people. I move (this one is still a big stretch for me and just in it's initial phase.) I eat natural, whole alive foods which I prepare (this one is still on my cutting edge.) I am using the pillar of light visualization. I only watch uplifting movies for the most part. I constantly allow dark energies to pass through my body. I CHECK MY BELIEFS AFTERWARDS TO SEE WHAT TRAPPED ME. (apparently THEY thought that was worth capitalizing.) In other words, I take constant responsibility for my field of energy, for my state of consciousness.

I bet some of you are thinking, too much work, no way. I know I did. Yet when the choice is crystal clear, as it is for me, love or fear, and the price of both rises daily, the choice is clear and undeniable. Fear feels so devastating, love feel so magnificent, so deliciously home I must do whatever is necessary to stay in that resonance. I know. I too prefer the fairy land where space ships or mythical creature just pop us into the remembrance of Love. I enjoyed my little fantasy while it lasted. (just kidding with the space creatures.) I hope you get my point. The cost of fear is rising daily and the beauty of Love is doing the same. Yes, it takes a tad of effort. Yet is anything else on earth more precious? I'm just saying...

wonderful woman and post which i highly recommend... i might have posted before:

http://www.jenniferposada.com/writings  dec. 23, 2012

also this month's forecast at:

http://www.magnifiedmanifesting.com/energy-forecast 

and

http://www.thepowerpath.com/index.php/power-path-home/the-power-path/monthly-forecast/509-january-forecast-2013 

feeling afraid in this new epoch

The last few mornings were rough for me. I had rather strong fear arising. Especially yesterday morning, I was immersed in the grip of fear and had forgotten all exits. I am continually surprised by the strength with which the forgetting can trick me. I sought control of the fear, sought to escape it with sugar, with busyness, with anything. I dragged myself into a story about being incapable, about it never ending, about being sick and tired of even trying. Guess how those strategies turned out? Exactly, they dumped me unceremoniously on my ass, buried in fear. My body felt paralyzed in fear, my brain was fogged and I was caught in projection and distortion. I had some level of awareness and I kept my mouth shut and did not act on the fear. I had a smidgeon of allowance so tiny it did little to mitigate the fear. I even sat in the sun, listening to the birds and wind and still felt trapped. Finally I remembered to surrender and used my mentor Karl’s words along the lines of “get you ass down here and help me out of this mess” although I used even more choice words. Now I know I am talking to a Source with more altitude than me yet really I am merely talking to the highest part of myself, irrevocably interconnected to the Whole. Something shifted and mini miracles unfolded. The things I feared disappeared like the chimera they are. Instead a couple of my deepest desires unfolded in small ways. I even forced myself to take a tiny walk. I talked to my spiritual partner and gained even more insight. 

Today I woke up calm and saw how I had forgotten all my tools as fear encased me with cement talons yesterday. It is very clear to me that duality has raised the stakes. I thought how wonderful it will be now that those who seek power over others will no longer be able to play with our lives as the boomerang effect will push their manipulations right back on them. I did not stop to see how my own little petty dances with ego would also be magnified. A story Karin told me about how she was initially caught by ego’s demands, pissed off at another who was also caught in a fear response, caught my attention and woke me up to the new “reality.”. For me, any little attempt to maintain control has an immediate backlash. When I try to hang on to the passing shore for dear life, I end up with mud in my face. These energies make it very obvious whether I am choosing love or fear. Yes, it feels like I have entered a new land with new customs which I am not yet use to. I felt so ungrounded when I first moved to northern California and it took me years to find some level of familiarity and comfort. These times feel somehow similar and it gives me unexpected comfort to understand why expecting comfort now is counter productive. I must go with the flow wherever it takes me, comfortable or not. Today’s oracle report really spoke to me, as excerpted below. Beloveds, these are rocky times. Know you are not alone and that unseen forces are at your command. Call on them whenever fear threatens you with it’s siren song. Connect to nature often to stay centered. Breath, move, pray, love, trust!

Oraclereport.com 1/2/13

...But these changes are broad and sweeping, and in turn we are sensitive to the instability, alienation, loneliness, and anxiety that they bring.  In the midst of this, we need to remain open to options because opportunities lie within the changes.  Remember that this month we are like immigrants in a new country.  The energy seems foreign to us.  However, even though things have definitely changed, one things remains  - the guardianship of Sophia.  Most beings in the cosmos are not fortunate enough to be traveling through space with their creator (creatrix).  The way to handle the world now is to continually reinforce our inner connection with the planet.  When things get tough, we have to take a mental time out, take a breath, and visualize being rooted...

Happy New Year 2013

Beloveds,

Happy New Year 2013! As is my annual tradition I have released all that no longer serves me into the fire and will be writing more of my intentions for the new year, completing them within the first ten days of the year, sealing them in an envelope and then reading them on New Year's Eve (if I can find them; 2012 where are those intentions?!?!?) The intention will be vibrantly alive, positive, written in the here and now and 50% believable. I have also chosen my symbol. Over a month ago I chose a painter's palate for creativity and even bought myself a pin and earring shaped like painter's palates yet I now realize another symbol is more appropriate so that will become my primary symbol. It is a tree with hearts at the end of each branch. I had and lost such a silver pendant and will try to relocate one. My tentative saying is 
"joyfully undulating embodied presence" or maybe "frolicking joyfully as embodied presence."  Last year's which I totally loved and was absolutely ideal was "limitless power dancing unity." It is so perfect I will also carry it over to this year. I would be delighted if you wish to join me and write your symbol or power word/words for the year. Feel free to also include any intentions. Sending you love and hope for this complex new year.

embodied joy practice January

I am aware that one of my greatest challenges has been to fully embody on the planet. A number of years ago I uncovered a belief that I did not belong here and did not want to stay. A definite downer considering this is my planet and wishing myself elsewhere only creates suffering. I have really turned that belief around yet still was unwilling to fully embody. More recently I discovered how overwhelm, anticipatory overwhelm and anxiety made it so uncomfortable to reside in my own skin that it was no wonder I resisted it. So I focused on releasing all of that and have cleared much. Now I am becoming increasingly aware that i must genuinely desire being embody to fully enjoy my life on Earth so I am now placing my attention on embodying joy, feeling joy in my own skin. I know placing attention here will increase my joy through law of attraction. My gratitude and appreciation have increased dramatically since I began this practice months ago. So this is how I am tweaking this year's practice. Practice makes perfect! I am again including the original instructions below:

Because times are so intense it is easy to get stuck in "the problem" whatever it may be. To antidote that I am creating a forum (or maybe a monologue) to share our joy. I will post five or more things I am finding joy (now with a focus on at least one moment of EMBODIED joy) in each day. I'll do it for as long as it feels good. Feel free to add your list in the comments or to do it at home on your own. Know that if you choose to do this you will be adding to the aggregate joy of the planet and right now she needs it. It will train our attention to focus on joy (EMBODIED joy in particular) and thus, by law of attraction, our joy MUST increase.

I would be delighted if you would like to add your joy list in the comments!!!

1/1/13

- it's 2013

- releasing so much false self image

- peaceful new year's eve without expectations

- energy to prepare nice meal

- enjoying the physical experience of making the meal

- in my body humming The Blue Danube and waltzing with my wasband (an Austrian tradition at midnight)

- feeling very freaky energy without getting swept away.

- being warmed by soft flannel sheet
1/2/13
- conversation with my spiritual partner Karin which helped antidote the strong fear I was feeling
- clarity about how I bought and thus increased the fear
- a moment of clear surrender that led to mini miracles
- two direct reversals of what I feared after I surrendered
- cooking and actually almost enjoying it!
- the embodied joy of listening to the wind sigh
- calm waking up!
- sweet moments of connection and cooperation
- enjoying delicious hugs and hand holding
1/3/13
- the luxury of falling back into a delicious sleep
- waking up relatively calm
- honestly sharing with a friend to work out a challenge
- enjoyable movie "Safety not Guaranteed"
- reading an inspiring book, The Oracle within" by Jennifer Posada
- having the tools to keep my mind from buying the lurking fear
- knowing loved ones support me as I seek to reground myself in these new intense energies
- the ability to feel subtle energy even though it is often uncomfortable
- my daughter cooperating on three challenging tasks
- warm sun
- cuddling Panter and Moonlight
1/4/13
- hours luxuriating in the sun serenaded by the birds
- absorbing my daughter's succulent field of love
- making angel's in the water with the backstroke
- Panther peacefully napping on my solar plexus
- feeling harmonious all day!
- connecting time with loved one
- a clean kitchen!
- sugar craving subsiding
- more peace with 12/21/12
- new books inspiring me
- deepening ability to surrender
- waking up with trust
- my blog family
- the new revolving globe showing the lights of my blog family
1/5/13
- more delightful hours on this deck with the birds and sun
- Panther learning to develop trust as I imbue her with love
- taking a walk and not having it be torture to begin
- choosing relatively easily to make an unplanned trip to the gym
- a moment of incredible intimacy and love
- cleaning my bedroom and being relatively neutral about it; not torture!

- inspiring another to more self loving behavior

- mostly staying out of judgment in a situation I find inexplicable

- sitting on a rock on this land in gratitude

- relatively neutral to reading things that previously would have pushed me into great fear

- fasting with incredible ease

- sugar compulsion greatly diminished

- witnessing another make more whole choices

- staying neutral in a situation that used to posh me over the edge

1/6
- cleaned out my car!
- pulled back quickly from major drama
- big realization with my control issue
- very loving interaction after major breach
- much clearer insight into a dynamic that has tripped me up most of my life
- sugar craving passing
- delighting in breaking my fast savoring each morsel
- homework done in harmony
- inspiring movie
- major clearing of shadow
- support from a loving friend
1/7/13
- getting money back on my car repair
- delicious food from Briarpatch
- feeling cozy in my rental car
- amazing body discoveries at Feldenkrias (sP?) class
- new awareness of subtle movements and greater ease in returning to healthy movement
- easy morning without drama
- going for massage today
- feeling my field of love greatly expanded
- many pleasant interactions with unknown friends (otherwise called strangers)
- getting my car painting the color I desire and having the faith to do it!
1/8/13
- nice massage
- lovely dinner
- such a sense of peace
- such a sense of expansion and love
- kissing Panther
- enjoying driving the rental
- loving how "problems" just evaporate when i genuinely surrender
- sweet gift from wasband
- feeling my field of light expanding globally
1/9
- moments of incredible bliss
- feeling at home
- peace
- tears of joy as I felt the presence of my not yet arrived Beloved in the car with me; his Presence was very palpable!
- tears of joy as I celebrated the beautiful lights of Highway 80 on the approach to Sacramento 
- the most delicious hug from Jan
- spending several hours in delightful conversation with Karin
- Horacio's support
- a massage in the sauna
- feeling capable of taking my sugar challenge more seriously
- the energy of my Way of Mastery class
- support in releasing my last vestiges of feeling the need to be in control
- understanding ever more fully the wisdom of the incoming children
1/10
- a free day to catch up to myself
- clearing a control challenge
- close enough connection to a friend so we can clear things immediately
- greater understanding of others' personalities
- big realization
- mentoring from Luis
- one day of being totally sugar free and eating purely
- staying centered when speaking to someone who was quite unbalanced
- finally getting holiday decorations cleared
- literal feeling of chest expanding
- bed made
1/11
- homework miracle
- easily releasing sugar, wheat, dairy for last days
- leaving on time with no hassles
- new level of cooperation and love
- fun kidding with Mike
- wonderful letter from Uschi!finding healthy food delicious
- support
- intense nap out of the blue while outside in 39 degrees F, at exact time of new moon; know it was a download
- love with Panther
- warm sheets and P.J.'s
1/12
waking up in peace
- despite more repairs, car still not totaled
- finding my alive food so incredibly delicious 
- much more surrender with loved one 
- many mini miracles after I surrender!
- sunlight sparkling on tree leaves
- feeling the physical sensation of my chest literally expanding with love
- living increasingly in a field of love
- more awareness of how my spiritual ego "guru girl" tricks me
- not falling as often for the tricks
1/13
- unexpected fun plans with Cory
- another great, inexpensive massage
- delicious food
- able to eat out while friends had alcohol, bread, dessert and I didn't without much discomfort
- the incredible beauty and sparkle of Panther's nose, really SEEING it for the first time
- wonderful movie
- more clarity about Indigos
- feeling capable 
1/14
- sweet family dinner
- daughter eating healthy!
- help with chores
- enjoying cooking!
- eating healthy effortlessly
- no sugar cravings
- harmony with family
- so much peace
1/15
- great healing session with Doug
- sweet session with client
- feeling more present in my body
- laying down in the afternoon!
- seeing Sunny
- Lovely Temple evening
- ability to clean up a bit again
- sweet conversation by phone
-being warm in the cold
1/16
- wonderful conversation with Cory
- delicious sushi dinner
- so much more awareness of taste
- good session with my health coach
- so enjoying slightly warmer weather
- time to sit on deck
- sad, yet powerful movie, Brothers
- people noticing the physical and emotional changes in me
- so much greater ease with eating in alignment with my body's health

1/17
- very enjoyable Nia class
- feeling alive in body
- more aware of subtle energy
- more aware of body needs
- understanding my body's functions and needs much better
- daughter cleaned my closet!
- more order
- sun on my legs
- toe infection clearing after almost 2 months!
- such spaciousness
- waking before alarm and sleeping very well
- family harmony
1/18
- WASBAND'S BIRTHDAY
- WATCHING BUBBLES FLASH IN SUNLIGHT WHILE I WAS SWIMMING
- DRIVE HOME ALTERNATE WAY, LISTENING TO GOOD MUSIC
- moving and enjoying it
- loving healthy food
- gorgeous weather
- feeling capable!
1/19
- getting many errands done
-accepting without an negativity a huge wave of exhaustion
- recognizing we are in major transition
- my toe so much better
- laying in my hammock
- hand holding
- tranquility
- calmly balancing feelings and needs with another
1/20
- fun with friends
- seeing swans fly
- swans in rice fields
- hearing bird calls
- visiting the farm
- food and generosity at temple
- my rich life
- breeze on skin
- wonderful time with CC, Aly, Karin, Sharon
- indian store
- getting necessary things cheaply
- cuddling
- freedom
1/21
- the quality of the light, somehow more vibrant
- such a loving, peaceful day yesterday
- wonderful long walk with loved one
- preparing for wasband's family birthday party
- cleaning up and feeling good about it!
- bunny cage cleaned without complaint by other
- other doing things that before were source of conflict
- so much more harmony in the family
- realizing what true cooperation and intimacy are
- letting triggers fly by without biting
- hanging out on deck chatting
- chest expanding with love
- so much greater awareness and inner authority about health 
1/22
- so many belly laughs
- harmonious family dinner
- sweet birthday celebration
- daughter's joy
- wasband's assistance
- good food
- great ease as I began my fast
- inspiring movie Coco before Channel
1/23
- car fixed and looks fabulous!
- love car color
- did come out over $1000 to the good
- cleaning so much of my room
- hearing some interesting dialogues
- healing irritation
1/24

• able to clear out big piles of paper clutter
• genuinely feeling good about cleaning up
• relatively neutral when my plans for the day shifted from one moment to the next
• major drama contained within less than five minutes
• nice conversation with Kim
• finding out what happened the night before was a detox reaction
• bedroom chi feeling so much more spacious as I clear the clutter
• gratitude my daughter cleared out my closet
• being woken up from a dream that indicated how to have more  acceptance of where I am right now in consciousness
• 1/25
• ability to not react to inner irritation
• recognizing the lesson of healing irritation with Gallagher's
• peaceful time with Panther
• able to remain witness to uncomfortable time without much story
• enjoying my sweet potato
• not spinning out even though feel very flat
• not buying what my mind is trying to tell me
• new client

• 1/26 
• helping decorate for dance, doing volunteer hours
• friendly new water aerobics teacher 
• Sweet conversation with other crafters
• Talking to Kim
• Daughter’s loving ministrations when I had challenge
• Greater clarity about being flat lined
• - breaking flat line being delighted outside partially in the sun
• Delighting in eating dates
• Feeling some loving emotions peek through again

1/27
- good soup
- able to read, some books from library
- observer strong in me
- love one so sweet
- nice movie
- relative neutrality
- got lots of volunteer hours done
1/28
- peaceful family dinner
- some returning emotions
- feelings of love peeking through again
 - greater understanding about and appreciation for the emptiness
- greater acceptance of the emptiness
- rereading a post that helped me hold the emptiness
- wonderful movie, Catch me if You Can
- lovely conversation with Marie that assisted me in experiencing more genuine gratitude
- great ease fasting
- good session bring more clarity about what is transpiring
- feeling good in my new sweater 
- feeling better all the time in my body
1/29
- peaceful on deck
- overcame major trigger
- wonderful session
- clarity about not taking it personal
- love and support
- wonderful conversation Karin
- ability to support others in gaining peace and clarity
- 6000 visitors to this blog!
- much more peace, feeling good
1/30
- lightness returning
- cleared up lots of clutter
- enjoyed my deck
- felt good to work out with coach
- lovely energy at MAstery
- feeling the field of love and able to hold it for another
- knowing more deeply how valuable the field is
- able to hold another's suffering with compassion and a sense of almost joy knowing she is getting free!
- my heart tree broach has arrived and is lovely
- sleeping well
- waking up lightly!!!
- enjoying my new tea!
- enjoying tea with Karin
1/31
- watching steam from my tea dance in the sunlight
- good work out in Nia
- able not to judge self even though routine very complicated and I often didn't get it
- peaceful morning french braiding daughter's hair as she is  Guinevere (Arthur, Camelot) in the school play
- bird's song extra sweet
- woke a minute before alarm just as I had envisioned
- remembering powerful drem about swimming in the wave Maverick and all old swept away, even old stairs washed out in huge wave yet I was initially able to swim in it; water crystal clear
- lovely conversation with Annette
- feeling ever more capable
- relationship with body constantly improving
- delicious bread with avocado