Sunday, October 26, 2014

yearning to live, life force and letting go of yearning

For years I have been searching for a song that  I fell in love with my sophomore year in college. That year I cried every day, overwhelmed by my yearning and grief. In hind site I see my grief as coming into acceptance and understanding of the dark side of being human. The yearning was to be free, to love, to LIVE. Yet anxiety was my constant companion. Also, my love for a boyfriend was a tumultuous drama that kept me in constant doubt about my lovability. He started dating the girl in the dorm room next to mine while he was still dating me. I would hear the creak of his knee as he passed by my room. I would never know if he would stop at my door or hers. I was too weak to say no to him despite the pain I was in. My life force was both incredibly strong and paradoxically very depleted. 

My friend had this album called "Weeds" with what became my favorite song, Witchi-tai-to. It powerfully inspired me each time I heard it with this surge of energy and determination to LIVE. I would feel my waning life force rise up every time I heard the song. Finally he got so sick of me asking him to hear it that he gave it to me. Alternatively, he cared deeply for me and thus gave it to me. In any case, I became the proud owner and constant replayed the song at an ear splitting volume.

It seems quite symbolic to me that I have found it again just today. My life force is not in need of replenishment yet I feel my heart swell with the music. I feel my blood flow and my heart burst with an energy of gratitude for where I am today, calm, neutral, loving and free. The yearning is gone as the sense of arrival, Homecoming becomes more constant. It has been a long and very windy road yet it is so very true, "it makes me feel glad that I'm not dead…"

click for song:
Brewer and Shipley

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