After over two weeks of knowing absolutely Who I AM and believing I was in lock down with my true identity with resulting peace, calm, serenity it all came to a screeching halt a few days ago. My body has not been in great shape all along, feeling depleted, mild headaches, and for the last few days my spine has felt like a steel rod constantly being compressed. It was all physical until yesterday where one stressor after another piled up and my mind finally started sinking into the gutter. By dance class today, "my head hurt, my feet stink and I don't love Jesus" as the lyrics go. We were celebrating a birthday at dance and the music grated on my ears. I lay down trying to loosen my spine. Then like a gift from God a friend came over and spontaneously started pulling on my hands and then my legs, stretching me out, restoring a bit of faith in life. Afterwards I was able to dance and enjoy myself a bit but soon the tension in my spine mounted again. One thing in particular sent me around the bend, this after being certain it would take something huge to push my buttons ever again. I was sure this visceral recognition of my true nature would certainly last a lifetime as it was so undeniable. Yet just yesterday I realized I was feeling a bit cocky. Today I wanted my mommy. I was extremely uncomfortable, body and mind, Doubts started creeping in and even though part of me saw them as absurd, another part was convinced I was doomed. It loosened a bit after talking to a friend and a gorgeous hug from my daughter but I am still not a happy camper despite hammock time, even a glass or two of wine. I managed to stay off the coffee and sugar now for over two and a half weeks so that's something. Otherwise all does not feel well. It is a definite bah humbug time. I understand the black moon is kicking our butts. So if you feel like cr*p like me, hang in there darlings and know all is well even though it sure doesn't feel like it. Happy Halloween. Here in our town it is a big deal so perhaps tomorrow I can enjoy things again. Kisses.
BIG hug to you, Beloved! This does seem to be another difficult time. (Despite the S.F. Giants winning the World Series, and some decent rain so far today.) As we know very well, "stuff" comes and goes, but it sure feels like it will never leave when we're in the midst of it, doesn't it.
ReplyDeleteHappy Halloween! ;-)
Love you.......
Thank you, much better today. Yesterday was a dozer for sure. Felt like my spine could snap from tension. So uncomfortable. This time is felt like it was my body then then started playing tricks with my mind and old fears suddenly lurked like monsters. Yes, in those moments hard to trust will ever end. Thanks for the love.
ReplyDeleteHalloween in my town huge deal so wish rain had waited a day but still will go our and enjoy the festivities. It is fun to see how wild everyone in this town goes, including or especially the adults.
big hug to you savannah