Tuesday, October 21, 2014

awakening is a process/ letting go of money as determining Who I AM


So many awarenesses dropping in during the eclipse wormhole which completes on October 23. Here's the thing, this awakening is a process that takes the appearance of time which can lead to great frustration and self doubt. Because physical "reality" is the densest it takes the longest to transform. So when nothing seems to be working or when things seem to just get worse and worse, it is hard to keep the faith. It is hard to see this process as benevolent yet it is. The possibilities for transformation, for Love, for awakening have never been greater. Yes, the process can be grueling and appear so unkind. Yet I see ever more clearly in myself, students and clients how the process is guiding us, as gently as possible, back to Ourselves. The pace has picked up considerably and so not choosing this path does come with some challenging side effects. Since choosing this path also brings up challenges, it may be hard to stick with this yet I assure you it is the only game in town. I know you have already made that choice or you would not be reading this, you would not have found your way here. I have tried enough alternatives to the path and literally went around the world twice looking for an easier road then this one. I am now at the point where I trust things can be easy and graceful. Some of us have quite gentle paths, some more challenging based on our soul mission and beliefs. For this of you who may have a steeper  climb, which I certainly understand, how does one keep the faith? When met with such physical, emotional, spiritual, financial hardships, how can this be perceived as a gift from the gods? Good questions and maybe it is almost impossible to hold in trust when your life seems to be going to hell in a hand basket (wonder where that saying came from). Perhaps it is only when we have gone far enough that we can look back and say, ah yes, so worth it. That it why I feel it is essential to have those who have gone before spread breadcrumbs of certainty about the truth of our nature. It is only the forgetting that is problematic. But what an only! Mama Mia. 
So first I cleared my mind of mistaken beliefs and this process continues to this day. Then I had to take dominion of my emotions. I do not mean I control them in the sense of denying or blocking them, not at all. I merely do not get carried away in the river of the story the emotions use to plunge me into. Now as I allow them to pass through me like a wave, it is so much more graceful, gentle and kinder. They often pass like a quick storm. 
Now the trickier two have held me up for a while  That is my spiritual ego masquerading as my true self and also shifting the physical level of "reality." What a superb impostor my spiritual ego has been.  Boy did she like to strut around with her superior knowledge, casting subtle aspersions on those not as wise as she was. I was so blind to this until my dear soul friend called me guru girl and stopped me in my tracks. I laughed and at first ignored it yet I slowly witnessed that I was spiritually type A, madly trying to staunch the terror of the world by being spiritually obedient and devoting myself to spiritual laws and rules. Hey, as a former Catholic I come by it honestly yet I am now slowly cracking that nut.
Which leaves me with the physical level transformations. My most challenging lesson by far was to stop seeing love as outside myself. But this physical appearance of periodic scarcity has kept me stymied for some time, another obstacle to dissolve  When despite my bowing down, following every rule I could, my bank account has kept heading south and my work has slowed to a crawl, I was left screeching my head with a what the f*ck is going on question. I realized something was way off base. This one kept me stumped for a long time. I finally got it. When I saw that I had money as the source of my safety, my security I started shifting. When I later witnessed how I affirm my abundance ten times only to counter it by saying and feeling great scarcity when my bank account does not suddenly start increasing, I saw I was stuck in an eddy, going round and round. I had my foot on the gas and the break, affirming my success only to then question it desperately whenever anything showed up that looked like scarcity. I would affirm my Divinity only to then make it dependent on numbers in a bank. Here's where loafs and fishes can come in. Did Jesus freak that he didn't have money in the bank to buy the multitudes something to eat? No, he knew Who he was and merely by affirming his Identity, he resolved the situation. So do I need a certain dollar amount to be safe? No, I need do nothing with one itsy bitsy exception. It is time to remember Who I AM. From that place, all is resolved. I see it frequently now as seeming obstacles dissolve when I trust all is well, despite what my eyes may be showing me to the contrary. I am choosing to see with my spiritual eyes and ignore what my physical eyes may show me. Low and behold, often what seems to be a problem is suddenly miraculously resolved. For now it is usually only small irritants that shift. Yet I know a miracle can await every moment. Are you catching my drift here? Now remember, this is a process and it often takes the appearance of time for these Truths to take hold in the soil of your being. Don't let that dismayed you. Remember, always, all is well.
Last night I facilitated a class and one person showed up. In the past I would have freaked and gone into major scarcity, affirming my small, puny self was screwed. Last night I was grateful for so many reasons. I was grateful that my nervous system did not freak out but was totally neutral. I was happy because I have been so busy getting my web site ready to launch and dealing with the emotional storms accompanying that process that I was glad not to have to summons the energy to hold a large group. I was pleased as this is a devoted student and we were able to go very deep in a way that might not have been appropriate with a larger group. I realized it was actually my strong preference, once I let go of money as my source, to have just her show up. WOWOWOW. 
So for those of you about to start blaming yourself for yo-yoing about money or any other issue, forget it RIGHT NOW. I am finally getting to the point. THIS IS A PROCESS. You cannot hurry it along, take control and zip through it. It unfolds in its own timing and all you can do is take your hands off the steering wheel and enjoy the ride. Hear me friends, take your hands off the steering wheel and enjoy the ride as best you can. You are on a ride at the carnival. Sometimes the ride is "It's a small world" with gentle music, serenely floating along and sometimes it is "Space Mountain"where you are plunging madly in the dark, screaming for dear life (these are both Disney rides for those of you who have never been to Disneyland). Both serve us. I have spent way too much time trying to hurry this along, blaming myself for being slow, desperately attempting to find an easier way and judging myself for having spiritual learning challenges. I now see all of that as absolute hogwash. Forget about it. Darlings, be gentle and loving with yourself. Once you commit to remembering Who you are, the ride begins and you can just sit back in your seat and let it take you where you need to go. Do your best to forgive yourself and others for any false ideas of how it, they, you should be. Trust, have faith and just enjoy the ride as best you can. They say millions of souls wanted to play this game on earth at this epic time in history and only the best and the brightest were chosen. That means YOU! Can you own your own magnificence? If not, I will hold the mirror for you until you can. I see your beauty. I love you. I send you a love wave. So much love.

P.S. Once I launch my web site I will be switching all activity over there. Just a little heads up.

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