Wednesday, September 3, 2014

i despise you

"I despise you." I heard those words come out of my mouth and was stunned. They were offered to my most Beloved. Yes, I was experiencing stress and yes, the loved one had definitely been contributing to that stress with behaviors that most could agree were less than helpful or kind. Yet none of that matter. I was so shocked by my own words. I was quite sure I had never said them before to anyone. I was not even that upset. So when they popped out of my mouth i looked at them with horror. How could I have said those words that I did not mean at all? I realized that while in the past I had known it was politically correct to say it is not YOU I am angry, hurt, furious, disgusted with, it is your behavior, I had not fully grokked how true those words are. I had subtly perhaps yet on some level blamed YOU (whoever you might be) for upsetting me, for throwing me into the dreaded feeling of separation. If only YOU had behaved differently, I would not be stressed. YOU are triggering my already over amped nervous system and YOU should stop it. Really, deep down, to a greater or lesser degree, this was my conscious or subconscious take on the situation. Yet these words were a paradigm shift. I stopped in horror at my own words. Doing the work I do, I am aware of the damage such words can wreck, becoming buried in the cellular memory to be replayed again and again, contributing to a false identity of shame, guilt, unworthiness. And I had to face the fact that I had indeed uttered them without any thought to someone I love deeply. HOLY SHIT! I could not blow past this one, blaming it either on the stress of the moment or the other's behavior. I found no excuse acceptable for these cruel words. I had to eat some very humble pie. Within a short time I was trying to backtrack and apologize and was met with denial and downplaying by the other. No matter, I had to do my best with damage control, hoping to dig those words out before they became embedded in the other's cellular memory. Did I succeed? I cannot know and must live with that. Yet in a very alive way, I welcome those words. Why? Because I will never be the same, I was changed forever. I SAW clearly that it was something in me that had been triggered by the less than skillful behavior of another. It was ME that overreacted. It was ME that said the dreaded words. It was me that created a feeling of separation from my own true identity, from my own essence as Love. These words violated Who I am, totally counter to my own INATE AWARENESS OF WHO I AM. I owned it and decided, never again. Never again will I be so unskillful, will I blame another for my reaction in the same way. A door opened where I could sincerely separating the behavior from the person, at least in hindsight. 

The other huge awareness it gave me was that I did not mean what I had said and only was reactive out of stress; this was the famous ahha moment when I realized the same is true for others! Their unkind words, hurtful angry words are most likely not what they really even mean. They too are likely responding to stress. Other's unkindness has to do with their internal state rather than how they feel about me. Somehow it opened up a door to freedom where it is so much easier for me not to take other's behavior personally. I saw how hurtful my words could feel if one did not recognize they were not sincere. So why should I assume anyone else REALLY means what they say when they are upset. 

I was sitting down to write this post, one that I have delayed for almost a month despite intending to write it just after the incident occurred  I needed to get some distance and most of all I needed to gain some forgiveness. Not surprisingly, I was guided to a local store i had never seen before and found a carving of the word FORGIVEN. I was immediately drawn to it and put it on my Christmas wish list. I almost started crying with the need to forgive myself. I understood the circumstances that lead to my cruel words. As I write this I have truly forgiven myself. O.K., here's what happened just as I intended to write this. The phone rings and another loved one had damaged something of mine that is valuable. Energetically I blew up. I have had a number of stressful things occurring lately from health scares (I am fine, turned out to have an easy solution), to almost no time alone, to survival fears , etc. I finally had an open window to get some work done and boom, more stressors. I reacted to the phone call with a harsh tone in my words. I felt the charge deep in my belly and heart. I knew I was highly reactive so i got off the phone and went outside and had a good cry. I wanted to scream ENOUGH, ENOUGH stress, enough challenge, enough releasing, enough forgiveness, enough ascending, just plain 


I took my own medicine and felt my heart beat wildly, my shoulders tense, my breath come rapidly. I loved the part of myself that felt so overwhelmed for the millionth time. I loved the part of myself that wanted off the merry go round, I loved the part of myself that wanted to curl up under the covers and go home, home to a place so deeply remembered where love is the feeling tone of everyday life, where brutality does not exist. I had just looked at the news of the most recent beheading and was aching for those parents, for the wanton cruelty. I was yearning to live on a kinder, gentler planet. I was tired of holding the light, of offering hope and encouragement. Bah humbug. ENOUGH. I let the hot tears wash over me as the gentle breeze caressed me. I felt my heart beat begin to slow, the tears evaporate. Slowly i could hear the sound of the wind, the chirp of birds. Gradually I regained my center and called the person back and calmly decided how to proceed. I felt tears of regret that I had contributed stress to the experience by responding harshly with my tone. I was aware of how such an accident could occur so easily. I had no blame or judgment, just sadness that initially i did have such upset. I was able to separate what happened from the person who had done it. I was relieved to be more aligned with my deepest value which is to view all with love. And yes that includes ISIL (ISIS). No one could behave in such a way were their hearts not closed. No one can have a heart that closed and not suffer tremendously for that brutality whether at a conscious or unconscious level. While I recognize fully that many would radically disagree with me, I cannot be a part of a strategy to invoke revenge as I know that will just keep the cycle of violence intact. Did we Americans not brutalize suspected terrorist with the intent to get information? Were not the interrogation techniques inhumane? Is it a surprise they are now treating innocent people in a similar fashion? No, we never beheaded anyone that I know of yet the washboarding is something that did occur and is clearly part of the cycle of violence. Retaliation will not work, not in my life nor on the world stage. I pray we recognize this sooner rather than later. Those of you who have been reading this for a long time will recognize I am not generally political. But the atrocity must stop and i feel compelled to speak out. The best thing I can do to effect change in the world is to stop all inner violence. I am sure compared to beheading, my harsh tone seems ridiculously small. Yet I do not see it that way. My tiny uncharitable act contributed to a planetary tone. My later act of kindness and forgiveness, acceptance of my damaged valuable added just a smidgeon to world peace. I even now take exception to the word valuable  Do I value a possession more than a person, than compassion and understanding? I would hope not and perhaps slowly it will be true. I see repeatedly how any limitation I have is being thrown in my face yet I will leave that lesson I am learning for another time. For now I will implore you my darlings to be kind and good to yourself, to forgive yourself for any perceived wrongs. I just love the synchronicity that lead me to the post below which I listened to just before writing this. Wise words as balm for the soul. Precious one, will you join me in stopping the violence by beginning with yourself? Will you be loving to yourself no matter why? If you can do this, know that you are contributing to peace on the planet. Know that you are precious and so loved. Know that you are a masterpiece. I love you.

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