Sunday, September 28, 2014

game changer to changed game

I wrote down this dream on 7/24 of this year. In hindsight the meaning is clear. It is me that doubts I will ever get home, that feels I am being stripped of everything and left without access to my love (my daughter in the dream standing in for my own self love), in a barren landscape, without able to reach anyone (locked phone). That is how I was feeling just two months ago. After such a long journey through an often desolate and/or terrifying landscape, I still felt flat lined. Hardly worth the journey is where my mind would sometimes take me. While I know I am not "done" I can tell you the last weeks have been miraculous. The first few weeks of September were hell as I again revisited a life time of anxiety. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was hard not to be disillusioned and actually in many ways, that was exactly what was called for, releasing my illusions  The joy, love, miracles of inner peace and love I have now experienced for a few weeks make it hard for me to remember the pain. It is only through re-reading some of my old blogs that I can pull up the memory of that pain. For the last weeks my interactions have been extraordinary. I repeatedly have magical conversations of such intimacy and intensity, filled with love and often with people I had never met before. I had two days of feeling entirely at home within myself, something I had only previously experienced as the result of intensive workshops experiences and even then only for hours. Friday I  had just made the decision to attend our Celtic Festival with its rather expensive tickets. Sometime this week, Wednesday or Thursday, I had made the decision to always see myself as abundant, no matter what, no matter how much money I have.  I will write more of this later but after buying the tickets I found almost $100 in an old purse with no clue where the money had come from. Did it materialize? Who cares! It more then covered our tickets with money for food too. I am just saying my whole reality seems to have shifted abruptly to one that delights me. It has been like this for several weeks. Now I know I am likely to go through more shifts so I will do my best to allow whatever unfolds next but for now I am riding the wave of joy. O.K., here is the dream from 7/24:

I hear a noise in the garage. People are in there taking wood. I go out to see what is going on. There are gypsies and they are openly taking what they need and plan to camp on my acreage without permission. I am upset and frightened and ask to speak to someone. No one speaks English until I find someone in a van at the back of the caravan. I begin talking to him. He is not a gypsy but he speaks for them. He asks me what the problem is, saying this is just the way they are, no need for concern. I say but don't I have any choice, they can take what they like?
I suddenly realize we are in motion and are very far from my home. We are in a very barren landscape. It is way too far to walk home and is windswept, without life. The van drives to a house and everyone in the caravan gets out. The house is already full and everyone eats without inviting me or paying any attention to me. I ask to use the phone which I am given. I fear my daughter will be very concerned and afraid. The phone is locked so I ask for it to be unlocked. They unlock it yet the numbers stick and will not dial. I feel very frightened and alone. How will I ever get home?

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