Monday, September 15, 2014

forgiven- it's not your fault

Another challenging day of physical tension I formerly called anxiety. Had days with a break and can see how I am pulled to dive into the anxiety with one after another stressor plus world news. I have to pause, pull back, slow down, go outside, breath in order to not enter free fall. Yet a crucial piece shifted last week. I woke up before dawn in almost a panic, no particular reason, just free floating anxiety. I read something in my Way of Mastery and then fell into a profound sleep, the one where I know I have just absorbed a deep truth at a level beyond thought. So when I woke up I wanted to write down what I had realized yet I had forgotten! Yet over time fragments came back and what I realized was that I was blaming myself for being anxious, thinking if only I had done more work, different work, been more responsible, less serious, etc., then I would not be anxious. Somehow that misunderstanding blew up and I kept seeing the word Forgiven flashing through my mind. I had met a delightful man who had carved that word and I saw the carving in my mind's eye. A deep peace settled over me and I knew that the anxiety came from being a human being with a sensitive nervous system existing on planet earth at this time in history, hardly something to blame myself for. Such inner freedom.
I again woke early this morning in a mild panic. Several appliances have developed problems, my premonition of fire was met this morning by heavy smoke filling the air from a distant fire, the world news sucks the big one, nothing special. Again I was led to the perfect passage in Way of Mastery. I realize survival fears are plaguing me and there is only one way out which is not to control the supply of money flowing into me but to release my attachment to money as the source of my well being. There is not enough money to save me from this fear, I can now see clearly the answer is to release the cultural addiction to money= safety. Not sure how it will look but it is a beginning. Actually I do know, as always it is a return to the remembrance of my own Divinity, our Divinity. I had jotted down these notes when I began this blog last week

turst power of own heart, trust own divinity to resolve and whole

Yes, this is always the answer and yet I feel at the edge of a pit of anxiety threatening to suck me down forever. I am doing my best to love that fearful part of myself, not resist my resistance to feeling any of it,. Not much luck today with any of it. Doing my best just to survive it and sending you darlings so much love. These are not easy times so sweetheart, know you are loved, get through as best as you can and celebrate the moments of connection and joy.


  1. Ah, yes, the anxiety returns.....have you read today's (9/15) Oracle Report? Apparently there are some heavy energies swirling around. And we are about to be hit by another CME tomorrow, acc. to So it's out there - and some of us have a knack of picking it up, despite our best efforts (and medication, in my case). A difficult lesson to learn. Much love to you, big hug!

  2. Yes, the challenge lately is there always seems to be heavy energies, solar flares, CME. I use to wait for it to let up but realize that is just another trap. To be at peace with not being at peace, to not take it as so damn real, to remember to make another choice. Yet ultimately I keep trying to control an uncontrollable process and instead must ride the waves, no matter how wild they get. Huge hug to you as we ride together.

    1. I'm finding that some physical exercise (though I tend to resist it mightily) helps, too - esp. Pilates. Or a walk to the nearby mini-park where there often are dogs I can play with a little, or at least watch. ;-)

  3. Yes, definitely, I did yoga this morning. Also being in nature, studying spiritual texts like "Way of Mastery" or "A Course in Miracles," and coming together with others in presence and consciousness. Everyone who came to the circle/class tonight was having a hard day and yet everyone shifted after circle, some dramatically. This is why I adore facilitating, I often really benefit too. Yet the undertow seems particularly strong lately, most state super vigilant not to get pulled down. Hang in there my love.