it's o.k., it's o.k.- is choosing happiness possible?

I have had major freak out energy today. What I am recognizing is this does not mean I am slipping backwards, making a mistake, not getting it. Rather it is the order of the day. We are going through MAJOR upgrades that keep pushing on our nervous systems. The more the light pours in, the more anything not aligned with our highest good comes to the surface for release. We do not need to understand, process, analyze this, in fact to do so is often counter productive. We merely need to allow. Yes, I know the allowance is simple but not often easy. It feels so natural to resist, contract, push away these challenging energies. Yet if we can allow them to flow through our nervous systems without a story, contracting, making it wrong, it is so much more graceful. Believe me, today I was in major NO! mode, freaking and flipping. At the same time, the witness was merely observing the whole mayhem. The subtle message of the witness is, without any words, is this serving you? do you want more of this? I went outside to do my best to calm down as four separate irritants and chaotic situations came up for my attention. Initially I went into blame and anger, wanting to retaliate and make someone pay. I actually reacted to some of that energy which of course backfired in my face. This makes me more committed not to act when in reaction as it always creates more suffering. As I write, I have been on hold for almost an hour with my health insurance, otherwise known as one of the great petty tyrants currently helping us wake up here in the USA. I have spent maybe four hours trying to correct 3 mistakes and am now hoping to reach a human. I went from frazzled to laughing as it is so absurd. I had another situation I had worked on for a week suddenly reverse itself after it seemed finally resolved. Ah, today's energy in my neck of the world, not terribly amusing. So I love the part of myself that feels frazzled and frustrated, slow down, soften, stay grounded, go outside to rebalance, move my body, take it easy and do my best not to get caught in the web of frustration.
I also am aware perhaps in some ways for the first time that I am not alone in not finding it easy to be happy. I have often found joy here on earth rather minimal. This is the reason I was less then thrilled to stick here. I thought I was relatively alone in this, imagining everybody else was happier then I have been. Lately I have seen this as illusion and for most, it is not easy to be happy. Until a certain level of consciousness is reached, I am not sure if it is even possible. I like the article below for clarifying some of this and showing us choice is possible if one has reached a certain level of consciousness. I have felt some of the greatest joy of my life lately with the severe contrast of the opposite. At least I am out of flatland which lasted for months and was extra spooky. So I do not judge where I am, judge the movement away from joy, into freak out. It is all a natural response to this time on earth. Nothing personal, nothing wrong, just my nervous system upgrading. It is a process, one that is much more graceful when I accept it as such. Not always easy, i know. sigh… until a better day, for now i just breath and allow, sometimes laughing at the absurdity. The deepest part of me knows it is all serving me/ us to greater joy, greater happiness. greater awakening. After the taste of the last weeks, it is easier to say YES. It is also helps that people lately tell me how joyful I seem. This helps me view myself in a new way and realize I am not the lone ranger in not having had a lifetime of happiness. I figure if I seem exceptionally joyful to other, maybe joy is finally emerging. Someone told me that a man I barely know had told her that I seemed "radiant." This helps assure me something is working, something is shifting and all will be well, it's o.k.


http://blueprintsforbutterflies.com/2014/09/20/basket-weaving-101-weaving-happiness-into-our-vibration/

game changer to changed game

I wrote down this dream on 7/24 of this year. In hindsight the meaning is clear. It is me that doubts I will ever get home, that feels I am being stripped of everything and left without access to my love (my daughter in the dream standing in for my own self love), in a barren landscape, without able to reach anyone (locked phone). That is how I was feeling just two months ago. After such a long journey through an often desolate and/or terrifying landscape, I still felt flat lined. Hardly worth the journey is where my mind would sometimes take me. While I know I am not "done" I can tell you the last weeks have been miraculous. The first few weeks of September were hell as I again revisited a life time of anxiety. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was hard not to be disillusioned and actually in many ways, that was exactly what was called for, releasing my illusions  The joy, love, miracles of inner peace and love I have now experienced for a few weeks make it hard for me to remember the pain. It is only through re-reading some of my old blogs that I can pull up the memory of that pain. For the last weeks my interactions have been extraordinary. I repeatedly have magical conversations of such intimacy and intensity, filled with love and often with people I had never met before. I had two days of feeling entirely at home within myself, something I had only previously experienced as the result of intensive workshops experiences and even then only for hours. Friday I  had just made the decision to attend our Celtic Festival with its rather expensive tickets. Sometime this week, Wednesday or Thursday, I had made the decision to always see myself as abundant, no matter what, no matter how much money I have.  I will write more of this later but after buying the tickets I found almost $100 in an old purse with no clue where the money had come from. Did it materialize? Who cares! It more then covered our tickets with money for food too. I am just saying my whole reality seems to have shifted abruptly to one that delights me. It has been like this for several weeks. Now I know I am likely to go through more shifts so I will do my best to allow whatever unfolds next but for now I am riding the wave of joy. O.K., here is the dream from 7/24:

I hear a noise in the garage. People are in there taking wood. I go out to see what is going on. There are gypsies and they are openly taking what they need and plan to camp on my acreage without permission. I am upset and frightened and ask to speak to someone. No one speaks English until I find someone in a van at the back of the caravan. I begin talking to him. He is not a gypsy but he speaks for them. He asks me what the problem is, saying this is just the way they are, no need for concern. I say but don't I have any choice, they can take what they like?
I suddenly realize we are in motion and are very far from my home. We are in a very barren landscape. It is way too far to walk home and is windswept, without life. The van drives to a house and everyone in the caravan gets out. The house is already full and everyone eats without inviting me or paying any attention to me. I ask to use the phone which I am given. I fear my daughter will be very concerned and afraid. The phone is locked so I ask for it to be unlocked. They unlock it yet the numbers stick and will not dial. I feel very frightened and alone. How will I ever get home?

22,222- a long envisioned number

LOVE WAVE

 22222 page views I saw this number in my mind's eye for a long time and here it is. I also saw that I would be around to witness it and here at 1:26 Pacific it has arrived, 22222 visitors to the site. I regret that one of the countries that visits most often never shows on the map but I celebrate you Russia and all the friends worldwide who have found there way to this family. Also big awarenesses dialing in about abundance yet for now I can only tell you

i AM ABUNDANT

NOW TO CELEBRATE THE RAIN (THANK YOU) CLEAN SKIES AND THE REALIZATION OF THIS VISION. so much 

LOVE

not trying and your prayers

I had a session with my current favorite teacher/mentor. He told me I was still trying. I was like, what? Now I can't even try? How the hell else you gonna get free of all this goo. Yet I see the absolute truth of it. Unfortunately I can't try to not try, darn! Putting the petal to the metal just doesn't work. The Way of Mastery says it differently. "I need do nothing." Still have trouble really wrapping my head around this but getting it experientially. Here is what has dropped in lately. Without trying, I have become primarily vegetarian lately. It just showed up that I noticed I was eating even less meat then ever, only a little when my daughter is here. I no longer have to TRY to be patient or compassionate, I just am. Now mind you years of trying preceded my not trying so I am still not sure how all of this works. Just wanted to say I am looking forward to my whole like unfolding without effort and I know that is a real opportunity, in fact the only way to live a holistic live. I am still trying to not try with abundance and finances so this is a work in progress. I am also, without trying, able to be productive for up to 10 hours a day. Even a few months ago, a few hours would finish me off and it would be hammock time. Now I can hardly stop some days.

I am also requesting your prayers and support. Our region is blanketed by a heavy cloud of smoke from fires. We have the possibility of rain in a few days. The air is hazardous so no one can go outside. Please join with me in seeing these fires miraculous put out with surprising rain and the valiant efforts of our brave firefighters. Together we can create miracles.


the less you try, the easier it gets:  http://www.awakeningzone.com/Episode.aspx?EpisodeID=3336

money is not our source

Updated: 9/20/14

I've been wrestling with this bad boy for quite some time but luckily the awarenesses are piling in. I have struggled with scarcity issues off and on for decades. My last full time job was in 1987 and I only worked full time for a short period. Given that I am far outside the bounds of traditional security and income, I have been forced to face this limitation repeatedly. I have taught several courses on abundance and had an extraordinarily free and abundant life despite many periods of minimal income. Yet this is now the barrier that I recognize most frequently keeps me from knowing my own unlimited nature. It took me decades to release seeing external love as the source of safety and love in my life. That false belief is gone.  Now it has been a very long time since I looked outside myself to believe I am love, loved, lovable. So I see I must now release my limiting beliefs about money.
This awareness has just dialed in big time in the last week. I woke up before dawn a few days ago and asked to be guided to an answer to my question about what was confining me. I picked up my handy dandy Way of Mastery and read about the time Christ spoke to a rich man who had asked him how to get to the kingdom of heaven. He responded, sell everything and follow me which the rich man declined to do. So do I have to be a poor beggar to be free of this? Me thinks not. The book goes on to say it is not money that is the problem, it is the attachment to money. BINGO. Now I must have read and/or heard this numerous times yet I suddenly got it, but really. It went on to explain the Buddhist practice of renouncing all and living with just a robe and begging bowl. DOUBLE BINGO. How had I never gotten the significance of this before? Don't ask me but luckily I got it now. Here's the deal kids. It is a huge and very prevalent belief that money is the source of safety and well being in our lives, yes? Can you even consider the possibility it is not? Don't worry if you can't because I have been puzzling on this one forever and just got it. So why do Buddhist monks give up everything-to prove to themselves that the Divine is their Source, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. Luckily, I don't feel the need to be so radical. My mentor Karl took it to that degree. He had nothing left, no money and only a can of beans to his name that he was really looking forward to eating only to return to his trailer to find out the can was missing and never found. Did he panic? No, he surrendered. He said fine, you want me to starve, fine. I surrender this fully. Now mind you this was not a mind trick, he meant it and low and behold from that moment forward grocery bags appeared on his steps, people would fill his refrigerator and so on. He had learned the lesson of inner safety, of really trusting. He had released his attachment to money and all his needs were met.
I remember saying to someone almost two decades ago that some investments I had were the source of my security and she said, no they are not. HUH?!? Didn't get it that round but do now. See if you can catch this. If money is your source, you can lose it and therefore it is possible for you to not be safe, right? Yet we are all Divine, children of an unlimited Universe or God if you prefer. So how can we ever not be safe? I hear you protesting- what about war, crime, etc? That's not safe. Can our bodies be destroyed? Yes, they can yet our Essence can never be harmed. If one surrender's one's live to the Mystery, all one's needs will be met. In the situation of war or crime, our vibration will protect us, remove us from dangerous circumstances in alignment with our soul purpose. With the challenge of scarcity, if we remain attached to money, we will never feel truly safe as all money, no matter how much, how large the amount is, can always be lost. There is no safety there. Now understand I am not saying there is anything wrong with money. I love the stuff, I just try not to take it too seriously and have often been rewarded with surprising gifts of abundance. Still I have never felt fully safe. I am certain when I shift my inner beliefs about scarcity my outer reality will shift to align with my new inner understanding. Outer circumstances is ALWAYS a reflection of inner reality as my own experience has proven repeatedly. 
I remember walking around Bombay India. We had the money for one year in our money belts, money that while very small for a western yet might be a decade or more earnings for many in that country. We were living on $30 a day for both of us for hotel, food, local travel or other expenses. For a Western $15 a day for all one's expenses is minimal yet in India we were rich indeed. Interestingly, I rarely experienced a sense of lack despite our strict budget. People in Bombay were living on the sidewalks and in the streets, cooking over campfires. We would step over their sleeping bodies yet felt very safe, no sense we would be harmed. I have also read that people in these very poor countries do not have the driving fears about money Westerns tend to have despite having so much less. But I digress.
I posted Lisa Renee's post about being a spiritual nomad because I almost got it from that blog I posted last year:
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqZqvGVX16Q&list=UUj09KufA570_NwYUT0ge0yw  

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2013

spiritual nomad:clearing beliefs in limitation

But it did not drop in all the way. By definition we are limited if we need something outside ourselves to be safe, loved, joyful. Now here it is almost a year since I posted that blog and awareness is sinking in deeper. Lisa writes she was living in a million dollar mansion with only $20 to her name until she got it and saw how all her needs were being provided for even though she had almost no money. DING. Being safe and taken care of without money, whoa, what a concept. Thank God I was not one of the first people to walk this path as their lesson line seemed way steep. I want to thank people like Lisa and Karl for going first, making it so much easier for people like you and I to get it with so much more grace. Thank you for paving the way.  I am not being presented with severe financial, survival fear as they were but enough to surely get my attention. 
This month I have made almost no money with my work and even my class is a little screwy with people canceling at the last second, maybe not coming back so on and so forth. So I asked myself what's up. In the past my answer would have gone in one of two directions 1) self worth-the class was not good. Nope, can't buy that. I KNEW my latest class rocked and was even lucky enough to have one student tell me she was falling out of her chair as the class was fantastic. O.K., that doesn't explain it. 2) my fault, I did something wrong, I need to control, change to make it work. Now I could almost buy that one but let's look at what people told me about why they canceled before the class. Class too early, too late, day too smokey, too busy, too tired, too far. So in the past I would have chased a way to fix it but should I make it earlier or later, closer for one but farther for another? Hum, no cheese down that tube, that won't work and I surely don't buy that I did anything wrong. As I said I know the class was HOT. So then what explains it. Last night I realized the paradox was too much so I decided to finally look at it. I realize that prior to now I have tried to resolve this issue of scarcity on the material, control level. For example I have changed investments, cut expenses, advertised,  developing another web site, taught in different locations, visualized, practiced law of attraction and endless more attempts to get more money to feel safer. I finally realized I have been barking up the wrong tree. The Universe needed to get my attention to help me move through one of the final rings of fear, physical survival. I know, this is a tough one but apparently I am ready and I say I am willing to learn it the easy way, with grace. No need for just one can of beans. The answer as always is surrender and trust. Will I stop doing those material things? No, I will just do them from a different inner place. I get it. Time to surrender the whole game, to take my hands off the steering wheel, to trust even though things have never seemed less abundant, to release the attachment to outcome. I refuse to buy that limitation, to give into to fear, to release my vision and dream because right now income is not showing up. No way Jose, my inner vision is too powerful. Mind you, I know I am still extraordinarily abundant, I just currently lack much income.

I know this post is longggggg but feels so important. Hold on, this story will fit in. When we adopted our daughter we moved to Guatemala to be with her until we completed the adoption. We went there before getting a crucial paper from the INS. (immigration) Our advisor didn't want us to go but he finally agreed. The day before we left we got the paper but in my husband's name even though we had been explicit it needed to be in my name as I am a citizen and he was not at that time. So we kept faxing, begging for the paper. No response. I had had my doubts about the adoption and had to work through numerous fears. But once I had gone through enough rings of fear I landed and became absolutely committed without wavering. Especially when I met our daughter I KNEW and I never faltered. My husband was freaking out, worried that after we had already fallen in love with her, we might somehow not be able to complete the adoption. I never doubted again. I KNEW. We kept sending our faxes off until one day someone suggested we might have the wrong fax number. While we were in the process, INS stopped accepting personal calls so fax was our only way to reach them. We found another number to try, re-faxed everything and within hours got a call in Guatemala at the swimming pool from INS! Anyone who has dealt with the INS knows that is a miracle just short of walking on water. All was well and our papers arrived pronto.
So back to money. I see it is time for me to commit with unwavering certainty that all is well, despite outer appearances  It is time to trust my own inner nature, my Divinity, my knowledge of spiritual law. It is time to drop my fears around physical survival and trust I will be taken care of, protected, but not by my controlling ego. There is a huge lesson here and I am ready to learn it.

As Dr. Holden explained: “When we forget who we are, we get neurotic … then we experience that myth of inadequacy … . The challenge of authenticity is not to change ourselves … but to change our mind about ourselves … . We’re not a self-improvement project.”

I commit to remembering who I am, my wholeness and magnificence, I commit to trusting I am safe, I am guided and protected by a force so much greater then me. I will listen to my inner prompting that guide me to my dream, my life purpose. And so it is! Darlings, take a page from my book and consider the possibility you too are safe and all is well. I know it can be a leap but together it is so much easier. Let's fly.

9/20/14 Update: Just read this today from  33 Days of Awakening a quote from Loyalty to Your Soul by the Hulnicks, fits the theme. Time for me to finalize the inner work of releasing scarcity consciousness and await further miracles.

One of the hallmarks of Spiritual Psychology is the recognition that what disturbs you is as clear an indicator of your Soul’s curriculum as you’re likely to ever get—once you learn to see it within that context. When you become upset, it’s as if life has just waved a big red flag signaling: “Attention! This is it! Look here! Here’s the inner work that’s next for you to do. Here’s an opportunity to heal the place inside where this disturbance resides. Don’t look outside. What happened is simply a triggering device intended to surface the disturbance. Take back your ownership of the disturbance and use it to heal the place inside that’s in pain and separation. By so doing, you reclaim your power.” 

http://www.usmonline.org/pdfs/33days/Loyalty_to_Your_Soul_Chapter_5.pdf

hallelujah

Beloveds,
I had the most extraordinary day today. I got the impulse to stop by someone's office, the idea came out of the blue yet lead to a conversation of such depth and intimacy. I felt clearly directed to share specific information that was received with great gratitude. I use to get messages to do a certain thing, say a specific thing, go to a special place and whenever I followed that inner voice it always felt miraculous. But in this case I heard no voice, no message, an impulse so subtle I almost missed it. Yet the mystery and magic of what unfolded, how can I convey it? 
 In my sacred dance I felt impelled to share how beautiful everyone is and other visions of several of the women's gifts and inner magnificence. Our dance group together had joined in a circle of such heart felt connection. Later a cashier asked me an unusual question, something like what are you about today. I told him that 20 years ago I knew without doubt that the trick of love is that we always have it and don't need to wait to get it to be it,  rather that it is in giving love to another that we can  most deeply feel it ourselves.  I told him that it had taken me the full 20 years to begin to fully integrate and embody that knowledge. He respond that he found what I was saying pretty amazing. Mind you it was the local coop but that he did not look at me like I was a fruit cake is impressive. It is California but still... Then I told him HE was beautiful. He was definitely startled. He pulled back, shook his head and then said, "and so are you." It was like a drug induced high except the high was an embodied love that had me saying the most outrageous things without the slightest hesitation. I then thanked a fireman for his contribution (California is now being pummeled with fires exacerbated by the drought). I would have been way too shy to do this in the past. The day went on from there. I had another powerful conversation, and now I am  feeling so much inspiration playing on my new web site. But here is the kicker. I feel/felt like Myself! Everything I said and did seemed so new and spontaneous yet it felt like ME, a me I had almost forgotten, a me overflowing with love, a me that has been missing for so long, a me I have missed for so long.  A me that truly sees the beauty in all I met; such a joyous reunion.
Last night I had a gorgeous evening celebrating a few acquaintances. Their joy at the recognition and appreciation my daughter and I were sharing with them was miraculous. The room glowed with light and love. Such cheap words to try to describe an unforgettable night. The shine in George's eyes is something that will stay with me as he said he would always treasure the card we had given him. It's only words typed on a screen yet can you feel the vibration of celebration of life come alive on the screen? 

Ah! need I say, dear Friend! that to the brim
My heart was full; I made no vows, but vows
Were then made for me; bond unknown to me
Was given, that I should be, else sinning greatly,	30
A dedicated Spirit. On I walked
In thankful blessedness, which yet survives. William Wordsworth

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! ! be gentle and kind to yourself and all whom you meet

Darlings, the energies lately have been over  the top. I have been hearing from many generally very grounded people that they are feeling very shaky, overwhelmed, finished. If this is happening to you take heart. I just listen to the commencement speech listed in my last blog. He helped me realize I need to simplify my message even more. It comes down to this. You are amazing, you are loved and lovable, you are a gift. Know that anything but that is just a forgetting and NOT YOUR FAULT. I only have a few minutes yet I want to request they you be extra gentle to yourself and all whom you meet. These times are not easy so be super kind and soft now. Give yourself a hug, a kiss. Hug your dog or a tree. 
I am anti-doting these times by offering love. I am leaving now to give a gift to someone I suspect may be delighted by it. I won't attach to his response, I do it for the pure pleasure of offering love. What a gift to have people to offer love to, it so helps ME remember who I AM. This is wake up time and it ain't always easy. So darlings I send you a hug and a kiss with a little cuddle. Do listen to this below to be inspired. Know you are so loved!!!


To hear Dr. Holden’s remarks in their entirety, click here.

worthiness, gratitude and self love antidote anxiety; remembering soul purposer

I am witnessing many going through the difficulty of anxiety or depression. My challenge has been anxiety yet everything I say holds true for depression as well. Here is what I am discovering. Anxiety attacks the nervous system. When I am in the throes of a full on attack, I forget Who I am. I belief at a primal level that I am inadequate, not up to life, overwhelmed, incapable. All lies yet they seem so real. Then I might blame myself for feeling anxious which entangles me ever more deeply in the quagmire. I realize now I must just ride the wave, knowing as I am witnessing and allowing the anxiety to be there since it IS there, I am already transforming it. When the wave has passed I can then do a mop up job of loving the part of me that falls into this pit. While in the midst of it, when I remember, I can send love too even though it often feels like a lie. Lately when in the pit of anxiety that love felt like trying to put out a forest fire with some spit yet I know that is not true. This is the way, one I love you at a time. Anxiety and depression attack our sense of self and dump us into the greatest lie ever told, that we are unworthy. TRASH! You are gorgeous and magnificent and the only thing that stops you from having a life that reflects that is you see falsely when you look in the mirror, you see perceived faults, errors  mistakes, poor decisions. Yet remembering to choose love again and again and again and again restores us to the fullness of who we are. Please take my word for it if none of this resonates right now.
At one point I considered stopping writing the blog as I was disappointed my vision of a place for dialogue and support for each other through comments has not yet been realized.  I was also discouraged by not apparently receiving much (thank you B.J.) financial support for my most soulful commitment to spreading the love wave. Yet later I realized the thing I do receive, that keeps me writing for so long, always having this blog family in the back of my mind, searching for the best way to convey the truth of our identify here is that it is required of me. It is my soul purpose and it cannot be denied without me paying a big price. The gift I always receive writing here is knowing I am aligning ever more fully with my soul purpose and that is its own greatest reward. If you have not yet found your soul purpose I suggest you give it some thought. Below are some questions to help you discover that purpose.
The other antidote to anxiety/depression is gratitude  I am feeling very grateful for those who have held my hand in this process of wakening. For Ciela for restoring me to the feeling tone of unconditional love, for my mother Ann who I knew loved me even though she could never say it, for Uschi and Irmgard for holding me through my divorce, for Karin for being my soul partner, for Georg for loving and supporting me for so long, for Matt, Mary, Luis, Lauren and Karl for being my teachers and mentors, for Amma with her loving hugs, for my blog soul family for receiving my words with our family coming from 96 counties which gives me such a delicious feeling of being connected to the whole world, for all my friends and relations who have helped me along the way. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Here are the three questions about soul purpose, regrettably I do not have the source:

There are three questions, or pathways, that lead to your life’s calling. The first is the question, “What would I want to do if I knew I was good enough, could do anything, and already had all the money in the world? I call this the Pathway of Joy. (Follow your bliss). The second is the question, “What pain or injustice is going on in the world that I simply must do something about in order to feel that I’m making a difference.” I call this the pathway of Alleviating Suffering (Follow your conscience). The third question is, “What abuse, wounding, or misfortune have I experienced in my past that I want to heal from, and how can I help others who have gone through or are going through similar suffering? I call this the pathway of Healing Self By Helping Others (Follow Your Wounds).

I am also including some comments from this year's graduation commencement speaker for University of Santa Monica where I received my Master's in Spiritual and Counseling Psychology with an Emphasis on Consciousness, Health and Healing.

The heart of Dr. Holden’s talk resonated deeply with the foundations of Spiritual Psychology—awakening to the Soul’s essence, the innate state of Being where Meaning, Purpose, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Aliveness, and Freedom are always present. As Dr. Holden explained: “When we forget who we are, we get neurotic … then we experience that myth of inadequacy … . The challenge of authenticity is not to change ourselves … but to change our mind about ourselves … . We’re not a self-improvement project.” Dr. Holden elaborated how the goal of any facilitator is to remind the client or person sharing of their essential nature: “I honestly believe the goal is to remember who we are. To uphold the memory of wholeness is to be able to say, ‘I appreciate that you may have forgotten about who you are and you may have forgotten your wholeness, but I will be a witness of your wholeness … . I will remember for you your wholeness so you can remember your wholeness … . Whenever you think that something is missing from your life—remember, it is probably you.’”



To hear Dr. Holden’s remarks in their entirety, click here.

OMG am listening to this and it so resonates with what I know to be true, I highly recommend it and will write a separate post.

remembering, intention, commitment

Yesterday I began facilitating my circle called Brining Your Dreams Alive. I felt very tired and depleted all day and actually took a nap, something rare for me. Fear was nipping at my heals and I felt a deep discouragement  and exhaustion with the waking up process.  I felt irritable and frazzled. Luckily I have done enough classes to know how the energy shifts so I was not concerned about teaching the class. However this class was extraordinary. We had heavy smoke in the air all day due to numerous fires nearby. Many women called to cancel at the last minute. A number of things were unsettling yet once the circle began I felt my energy creep and then roar back in. I felt myself become grounded  inspired, clear. My understanding reached new heights.
There was a very unsettling challenge in the middle of the circle yet I stayed in balance, grounded. The smoke cleared and that was one silly fear blown away literally with the wind. I had woken up with big anxiety over things that I would normally hardly give a second thought to. Everything seemed to be going against me. Now many of these things resolved themselves without effort yet what I see so clearly is when my nervous system is out of balance, my mind can go berserk, creating imaginary mountains to threaten to bury me with an impending avalanche. Yet at the time it all seemed so real and even though I did my best to love it, to accept it, to not believe it, the illusion had really swept me away.
We worked in the circle with specific tools to set intention and coalesce our commitment to our dreams. Afterwards I felt crystal clear and today I have been stunned to recall the level of forgetting that has swamped me for the last few weeks. It is hard for me to fathom how opaque the fears become. Now I can laugh even while remembering how badly the boogie man scared me. I know that using those specific tools of  focusing intention and commitment helped shift the energy as did coming together as a group in consciousness. I know at east one other person had an equally remarkable shift while another seemed swept by emotion.  I feel so lucid, so full of certainty and a deep remembrance of my worth and abilities. I also see how the dive to the depths cleared the way for this new level of awareness. 
I have been having the most amazing encounters with people some i have met briefly before, some I had never met before and some old friends. The encounters are beyond words, mysterious, powerful. I feel they were ordained and that often I have a message for the person perhaps to encourage them , to acknowledge them, to clarify something. The meetings are intense, soulful, real, intimate, powerful. They can occur anywhere, anytime. I feel that, as Way of Mastery says, I am merely a messenger for the Universe, speaking words that are often not mine. Sometimes the clarity and insight that emerges brings me to tears. Always I feel a deep sense of connection, the feeling of separation disappears and I feel fathomless love for the person, a love that engulfs me and is indeed a love wave. I stand in awe of the mystery. I see it as an affirmation that I am on the right path, on the green light as my friend says. Yet that does not mean the rougher waves are necessarily over.
I hope when the next challenging wave hits I shall met it with more grace and less resistance knowing beyond the level of thought that it is an answer to my prayer to fully remember and reflect the Love we all are. I wish I could install something in my brain to go off when I fall so deeply into fear. For now I shall have to just take it as it comes and enjoy the view from the top of the wave.

forgiven- it's not your fault

Another challenging day of physical tension I formerly called anxiety. Had days with a break and can see how I am pulled to dive into the anxiety with one after another stressor plus world news. I have to pause, pull back, slow down, go outside, breath in order to not enter free fall. Yet a crucial piece shifted last week. I woke up before dawn in almost a panic, no particular reason, just free floating anxiety. I read something in my Way of Mastery and then fell into a profound sleep, the one where I know I have just absorbed a deep truth at a level beyond thought. So when I woke up I wanted to write down what I had realized yet I had forgotten! Yet over time fragments came back and what I realized was that I was blaming myself for being anxious, thinking if only I had done more work, different work, been more responsible, less serious, etc., then I would not be anxious. Somehow that misunderstanding blew up and I kept seeing the word Forgiven flashing through my mind. I had met a delightful man who had carved that word and I saw the carving in my mind's eye. A deep peace settled over me and I knew that the anxiety came from being a human being with a sensitive nervous system existing on planet earth at this time in history, hardly something to blame myself for. Such inner freedom.
I again woke early this morning in a mild panic. Several appliances have developed problems, my premonition of fire was met this morning by heavy smoke filling the air from a distant fire, the world news sucks the big one, nothing special. Again I was led to the perfect passage in Way of Mastery. I realize survival fears are plaguing me and there is only one way out which is not to control the supply of money flowing into me but to release my attachment to money as the source of my well being. There is not enough money to save me from this fear, I can now see clearly the answer is to release the cultural addiction to money= safety. Not sure how it will look but it is a beginning. Actually I do know, as always it is a return to the remembrance of my own Divinity, our Divinity. I had jotted down these notes when I began this blog last week


turst power of own heart, trust own divinity to resolve and whole

Yes, this is always the answer and yet I feel at the edge of a pit of anxiety threatening to suck me down forever. I am doing my best to love that fearful part of myself, not resist my resistance to feeling any of it,. Not much luck today with any of it. Doing my best just to survive it and sending you darlings so much love. These are not easy times so sweetheart, know you are loved, get through as best as you can and celebrate the moments of connection and joy.

“How is it possible that I am this abundant, successful, and adored?”

love this one:

Matt Kahn

September 11

An answer offers you a chance to exist however your questions frame you to be. This means life often provides you with experiences that are solely dependent upon how you choose to view yourself in the questions you ask. Lower vibrational experiences unfold whenever fixated on a question of why, just as the miraculous grace of high vibrational experiences blossom into being whenever asking a question of how.

For example, the question, “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” invites life to offer you experiences to substantiate the idea that you aren’t liked. Even if around those who like you, it will seem to you as if you are viewed by others in whatever way keeps such a question in-tact. Conversely, asking the question, “How is it possible that I am this amazing, healthy, fulfilled, radiant, inspired, prosperous, and blessed?” allows life to offer experiences that confirm how amazing, healthy, fulfilled, radiant, inspired, prosperous, and blessed you already are.

As a practice, pinpoint 1-3 adjectives that celebrate the highest experiences you wish to discover. Then add them into the following sentence: “How is it possible that I am this ___, ____, and ____?” Repeat it to yourself throughout the day as often as possible, especially in the aftermath of being triggered to discover a 5th dimensional way to rewrite your subconscious mind.

As your subconscious mind is rewritten, you invite the Universe to welcome a brand-new frontier of creations into your reality. It also reveals the deepest answer to not be a conclusion or concept of any kind, but the discovery of a well-framed question. www.truedivinenature.com

endings and beginnings

Today is the first day my marriage is legally over. Yesterday I unexpectedly had the chance to go to my favorite spot on the soulful Yuba River. I spontaneously created a ritual for the last day of my marriage.  I build stone cairns to release the identity of wife and washed the old away under the waterfall. I recalled with gratitude the 23 1/2 rich years we were together, the 3 1/2 years since we separated of ongoing friendship, family, support and kindness. The memories were so varied and rich I could not begin to remember even a fraction of the wonderful times we had together. Perhaps one of the things I have appreciated the most about my now officially wasband Georg was how supportive he was, how he always had my back until the end. We traveled together for years visiting 5 continents and so many countries maybe 50. We did silent meditation retreats in Thailand, rode elephants in India and Nepal, a camels in Egypt. We saw so many beautiful sights and shared the joys and sorrows of family. We adopted a beautiful daughter from Guatemala and lived there for several months awaiting the completion of the adoption. We supported each other in sickness and health, we believed in each other. One of my greatest regrets is how I projected so much of my sadness and fear on to my former husband as our marriage dissolved. Seeing and healing those wounds took me to the depths of my being and I am a better person for it, so much more open and loving. No words can convey my gratitude and joy that I had the privilege of being married to this amazing man for so long.

accepting resistence

Manifestations such as stress, negativity, and resistance are created on a soul level as reminders to stop the moment they are noticed and to slow your breath until relaxation returns. As relaxation dawns, you remind the body how safe it is, which allows the heart to blossom open and guide your forward in an inspired flow of divine perfection. Once these reminders are acknowledged and acted upon, you may realize stress, negativity, and even resistance to be catalysts of growth created by the soul to help motivate the light of being into greater conscious alignment.

This essentially means it’s not your job to anticipate, stop, or overcome the stress, negativity, and resistance you sense. Instead, it is an opportunity to accept its highest purpose, so you may use it as reminders to relax your body with slower breathing – one “I love you” at a time. Once the relaxation in body cannot be threatened by any appearance, outcome, or circumstance, it signifies that you are residing in a brand new level of consciousness.

As this new consciousness blossoms, your body becomes a vessel of awakening that radiates a higher frequency of light for the liberation of all. From this space, experiences such as stress, negativity, and resistance have nothing more to teach you and no longer enter your field of experience. This is the heart of awakening. www.truedivinenature.com

donations

Beloveds,

I am repeating my request for donations to support me in my ability to keep focused on my life mission and purpose until I find the heart of abundant living. Believe me, once I do, I will be sharing what I discover. I also placed the same link at the bottom of the blog. Much love and thanks! With Paypal there is a button for friends and family, if you use this I do not have to pay a fee.

savannah

Beloveds,
Some time ago I tried to instal a donation button here but was unable to. My wasband helped me get one on my new web site. I am mentioning it here as I would be delighted if an any of you who are perhaps long time readers and may have benefited from reading my blog feel moved to donate. My sense is that finances and money are going the way of the dinosaur yet until that time, cash seems to appear rather necessary to live. I have devoted myself to the task of embodying love and encouraging others in this pursuit. Thus far the cash flow involved in this task has been rather minimal. I am incredibly grateful that I have been able to make it while remaining devoted to my mission. I would be tickled pink if any of you are flush enough to donate joyfully. Big hug of appreciation for perhaps even considering it.
much love
savannah

http://wearethebeloved.wix.com/mastering-love-#!services/c8k2  then click the donation button

more on anxiety

Woke up this morning perfectly at peace. Ah, such appreciation. Yesterday was rough and I yelled at a loved one. The witness in me is very strong so I was able to see how easily I was transferring my upset, my nervous system like a time bomb, waiting to unleash at the slightest provocation. Today I must make amends. Yet I have deep compassion for the aspect of myself that has suffered from anxiety for so much of my life. I was able to witness how it was more the story of anxiety and the fear of it never ending then the actual physical symptoms that were so disturbing. In others words, it was primarily my mind causing the trouble. I also have such empathy for my over active mind searching for a way out, a way to forget, get free, change, do anything for this to go away. I actually watched a delightful movie "The Hundred Foot Journey" which helped shift the energy. The cinematography was so luscious it did help. Then i tried to use sugar to help and it did not do anything but make me feel slightly sick. 
When I say to whisper I love you's to yourself, it is not to the anxiety but rather to the part of yourself that feels the anxiety, depression  fear, lose, guilt, shame. There is something so reassuring to be kind to that deeply wounded part rather then harsh and critical. Would you yell at a toddler for being afraid? Hopefully not. So never be harsh or unkind to yourself if you can avoid it. If you are cruel to yourself, love the one so wounded that it would feel the need to be cruel. I wish it would provide instant relief and it may. Yet it may be so unfamiliar to the subconscious that it will not be recognized or accepted. Stay with it, eventually it will reap huge rewards.
Despite a lovely morning, the anxiety has crept into my stomach and shoulder blades. I know the Chiron point is being activated, the wounded healer so this is no surprise. Probably like me you are tired of an astrology that is seemingly always activating one thing or another. I also see how the media plays on our nerves, manipulating fear for the means of those in power. I recommend avoiding the news as our nervous systems are under siege enough without adding to the intensity. Darlings, I send you so much love. Love yourself as best as you are able and know in time, if you stick with it, it will gradually come alive.

Bringing Your Dreams Alive

In case anybody is local:

BRINGING YOUR DREAMS ALIVE

• Monday, September 15, 2014

  6:00 PM
• To register, contact Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT #40422, directly at WearetheBeloved@yahoo.com or 530-575-5052. YOU MAY ALSO SIGN UP WITH MEET UP.

• Our dreams are the fire that fuels our lives! Without vision and passion, our time here on Earth loses color and meaning. Yet committing to our aspirations can be scary. This course will be an introductory look at a way to concretely pull in our heartfelt yearnings. To reach these dreams, we will explore specific techniques to develop a strategy to maximize one’s chances of realizing one’s hopes through a project with specific action steps to move us toward our desires. 

  Once one commits to a specific goal, anything that obstructs the realization of that outcome is likely to arise. We will spend time learning basic skills to be with any challenges.

  Savannah Hanson brings 20 years of experience as a healer (including Cellular Release Practitioner) and therapist in addition to her own experience of completing a number of life dreams such as traveling around the world, owning her dream home, harmonizing her family life, living a life where she is free to do exactly as she desires almost all of the time and learning to love herself. 

  The circle will be the third Monday of the month at 6 pm for four months starting September 15th. September’s circle is $5.  The other three classes (October 20, November 17, and December 15, 2014,) are $22-33 sliding scale per class or $55 for the whole series. Classes will be held in Penn Valley.  Call or email to register and for directions.

  
  

  much love,

  savannah

surrender- rings of fear, limitation, trying, control

Beloveds,
I had two days of semi relief, where stressors continued to come up yet I moved through many rings of fear and actually had a lovely day on a field trip with my daughter's class to a lake at about 6500 feet (2200ish meters). I really wanted to go on this trip as for so many in past years I was too exhausted to even consider going. I had signed up to chaperone when I learned the road was too rough for me to feel comfortable driving my car. Due to limited space it seemed I would miss the trip. I offered to drive someone else's car yet considered this rather far fetched. I stayed in surrender and non attachment and at literally the 11th hour was offered a new car to drive. Then I had to overcome my fear of driving another's car on such a rough road and my fear of feeling too depleted to hike at such altitudes  I moved through both fears and had a joyous time of gratitude and deep appreciation for my daughter's teacher, the school, the students and the parents  This is a group joined in intending the highest good for their children and it is a magical combination for which I feel deep gratitude  We actually moved to the area primarily for the school. Now perhaps rather ironically part of my discomfort this morning comes from another aspect of this school and any school which for me can be summed up by saying the mind is valued much more then the heart but I'll leave that for another day. 
I woke up today with a pit of fear in my stomach, tension at the base of my neck and across my shoulder blades, intermittent tension at the base of my spine and some negative thoughts from my fav hit parade such as not again, enough, it will never end. Yes, I know how destructive those thoughts are. So I am again taking the medicine of feeling it and loving it, best as I can. I am seeing how so many are now facing their rings of fear. I felt like the lone ranger when i got dumped into a pit of terror overnight in 2009. I knew of no one else facing so much fear and I knew nothing about 5D or ascension or anything else. I know part of my sadness and discomfort is seeing so many face huge challenges, deep fears, big problems now. I see the deer in headlights look often. With so much occurring internally and on the global stage, it is no wonder. It is way easier to deal with POST traumatic stress disorder then on going stress with no end in sight. To live in a time predicted for millennium to be a tumultuous time, to have no escape including death (that leads to its own backlash) what to do? Believe me, i went around the world twice looking for an easier way. It is easy to love this fear when i get immediate relief, to then say of course, yes. But when the challenge remains for decades, finally is released and then reappears at unpredictable intervals, it is a whole other story. This is my dance with anxiety and I know the same is true for many of you dear sensitizes. I wish i had a better answer to offer, something you could try once and be free. Sorry, just not true. I must also share that I experience and witness miracles of connection, love, support,— encouragement, beauty. This too is so much more prevalent then I have ever witnessed before.
Yes, I am totally aware this is a time to bring all limitation and fear to the surface for clearing. Yes, I understand it has gone from an elective to a required course. Yes,  I know that untold freedom lies on the other side and yes, i have tasted that freedom too many times to turn back. Yet that does not stop me from landing in a pit where I want out and I don't want to pay the price of feeling it anymore. I really get how there is a violence to trying to let it go, trying to feel better, trying to accept and allow when i just REALLY don't want to. So I will reprint the entire article that gives me the freedom to just stop, stop trying, stop forcing my experience to be different then it is. This for me is deep surrender. I was told by someone i respect and honor that I was still trying. For the love of God. Now i had to stop trying, stop controlling? I have let go of so much and not surprisingly many of the things I let go of are showing up like community. I yearned for community all my life and now it is showing up more then ever and from no effort on my part, just others calling me, invitations. I seem to have moved from social pariah to welcomed guest in a short period. I understand the isolation phase served my soul's growth, brought gifts and was never personal. I truly get that. I also have let go of trying to control the fulfillment of my deep desire for a heart  soul, body mate and can deeply trust, without trying, all is well. I get that it is my fear of survival, of making it financially that keeps me stuck in trying/control mode concerning bringing in income. I know there is a huge lesson, gift here. But it is one thing to get it in my head, another to know it in my heart. Since i can't force it (damn it) I will just be with all of the mess and do my best to love that. That i never forget and sometimes I can actually feel it, this vast tenderness and appreciation for myself. More often it feels like an old Catechism lesson being repeated by rote but that is ok. I will just keep loving the part of myself that wants to jettison this dark, gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, crazy planet and love that aspect of myself in my bah humbug way that is currently the best i can muster. Anybody identify with this? Rereading this I feel the violence of even trying to muster a different response. Ok if you don't cause i know enough to love myself, whether anybody agrees with me or not. I know my challenges are so much more then some born without such a sensitive nervous system and much less then others with more sensitive systems or greater challenges. And that too is ok. I let go of my trying to let go of trying. Oh yea, that's what so this Saturday morning.


DON'T RESIST YOUR RESISTANCE

If you're trying to 'let go' of something uncomfortable in your experience, if you're trying to release it, give it up, surrender it, dissolve it, 'be with' it, accept it, you've probably already unconsciously rejected it!

You are only trying to 'allow' or 'accept' or 'be with' the pain so that it will go away, disappear, die, never return. You are longing for the death of your present experience. There is a violent agenda there, disguised as 'spiritual practice'.

Can you see that your attempt to 'release' this moment is really an act of resistance, a rejection of life, a NO to the moment as it is?

Instead, begin where you are. 
Instead, acknowledge that the pain is here. 
Validate, honor  sanctify the present scene in the movie of your life. Don't try to rush to the next 'pain-free' scene. Get intimate with this scene, the only scene there is right now.
Acknowledge, too, that an urge to be free from the pain is also here. Don't pretend that it's not. 

Know yourself now as the wide open space of awareness in which BOTH of these life-movements are appearing — the pain AND the longing to be free from the pain, the discomfort AND the search for its resolution, the burning questions AND the search for the answers. 

Know that both the pain AND the longing, both the discomfort AND the ego's resistance to it, are ALREADY ALLOWED in this moment. They are already valid expressions of life, welcome visitors in your vastness, waves in your great ocean. You don't have to 'allow' them in - they are already in. Your allowing or non-allowing, as I often say, is already 'too late'. 

You cannot 'do' acceptance when you ARE acceptance. Forget about trying to allow this moment, and simply notice that this moment is already allowed. 

Give up trying to give up! Let go of trying to let go! Allow yourself to not be able to allow at all! Accept your inability to accept! Lose interest in resisting your resistance! Surrender your attempts to surrender! 

This is the gentle way, the way of no-way, the way of grace.

- Jeff Foster

seeing only love

http://blog.flickr.net/en/2014/09/05/moments-of-emotion-from-around-the-globe/

Check this out for an amazing photo and then learn the story below. After two days of feeling better, I am again challenged to see only love and was inspired by this story.


Over the course of her career, Mimo captured memorable moments on the streets in many countries, but was particularly moved by an interaction with a young Syrian girl living in a refugee camp in Lebanon. Mimo photographed the green-eyed girl after noticing the word “love” written out on her hand in English and Arabic.

“When I asked further about the girl, I found out she had lost both of her parents, and actually her whole family only a few days ago,” Mimo explains. “So it struck me how she could stand there, her eyes shining, and think of love.”

good news

my nervous system is a bit calmer and i slept through much of the night; also i received the best complement ever, told i was an "awesome mom" by my daughter; things slowly looking up and brought in very visceral awareness, more later; for now off to very physical challenge, wish me luck

loving the part of myself that feels victimized by anxiety

Beloveds,

After nearly a month of being relatively anxiety free and with only minor challenges, I have now had about a week of fluctuating yet fairly continuous anxiety with a number of stressors. As i awoke in the pre dawn darkness, I did my best to feel it and love it yet found it impossible. So then I loved the part of myself that found it impossible to love or make peace with anxiety. I saw clearly how i have felt victimized by my highly sensitive nervous system and nearly a lifetime of anxiety. I was angry at the world to see how my daughter struggles so much with her learning differences. As any of you reading know, i consider it my purpose to tell the truth about my experience. My attempts at loving this feel rather feeble this morning so I will love my feeble attempts. Darlings sending you so much love and the hope that all your obstacle are evaporating when you merely approach them. So much love.

Latter: went back and read Oracle Report and see I am aligned with the energies of transformation. Who knows? Maybe I am experiencing anxiety for the last time, in one final, massive clean up job. sigh...

Ah, helping me shift:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCPQCV8jG9w

as he says, more i see what is going on in myself easier to forgive another and just let it go, no forgiveness necessary

"Who can be imprisoned who simply loves?"

i despise you

"I despise you." I heard those words come out of my mouth and was stunned. They were offered to my most Beloved. Yes, I was experiencing stress and yes, the loved one had definitely been contributing to that stress with behaviors that most could agree were less than helpful or kind. Yet none of that matter. I was so shocked by my own words. I was quite sure I had never said them before to anyone. I was not even that upset. So when they popped out of my mouth i looked at them with horror. How could I have said those words that I did not mean at all? I realized that while in the past I had known it was politically correct to say it is not YOU I am angry, hurt, furious, disgusted with, it is your behavior, I had not fully grokked how true those words are. I had subtly perhaps yet on some level blamed YOU (whoever you might be) for upsetting me, for throwing me into the dreaded feeling of separation. If only YOU had behaved differently, I would not be stressed. YOU are triggering my already over amped nervous system and YOU should stop it. Really, deep down, to a greater or lesser degree, this was my conscious or subconscious take on the situation. Yet these words were a paradigm shift. I stopped in horror at my own words. Doing the work I do, I am aware of the damage such words can wreck, becoming buried in the cellular memory to be replayed again and again, contributing to a false identity of shame, guilt, unworthiness. And I had to face the fact that I had indeed uttered them without any thought to someone I love deeply. HOLY SHIT! I could not blow past this one, blaming it either on the stress of the moment or the other's behavior. I found no excuse acceptable for these cruel words. I had to eat some very humble pie. Within a short time I was trying to backtrack and apologize and was met with denial and downplaying by the other. No matter, I had to do my best with damage control, hoping to dig those words out before they became embedded in the other's cellular memory. Did I succeed? I cannot know and must live with that. Yet in a very alive way, I welcome those words. Why? Because I will never be the same, I was changed forever. I SAW clearly that it was something in me that had been triggered by the less than skillful behavior of another. It was ME that overreacted. It was ME that said the dreaded words. It was me that created a feeling of separation from my own true identity, from my own essence as Love. These words violated Who I am, totally counter to my own INATE AWARENESS OF WHO I AM. I owned it and decided, never again. Never again will I be so unskillful, will I blame another for my reaction in the same way. A door opened where I could sincerely separating the behavior from the person, at least in hindsight. 

The other huge awareness it gave me was that I did not mean what I had said and only was reactive out of stress; this was the famous ahha moment when I realized the same is true for others! Their unkind words, hurtful angry words are most likely not what they really even mean. They too are likely responding to stress. Other's unkindness has to do with their internal state rather than how they feel about me. Somehow it opened up a door to freedom where it is so much easier for me not to take other's behavior personally. I saw how hurtful my words could feel if one did not recognize they were not sincere. So why should I assume anyone else REALLY means what they say when they are upset. 

I was sitting down to write this post, one that I have delayed for almost a month despite intending to write it just after the incident occurred  I needed to get some distance and most of all I needed to gain some forgiveness. Not surprisingly, I was guided to a local store i had never seen before and found a carving of the word FORGIVEN. I was immediately drawn to it and put it on my Christmas wish list. I almost started crying with the need to forgive myself. I understood the circumstances that lead to my cruel words. As I write this I have truly forgiven myself. O.K., here's what happened just as I intended to write this. The phone rings and another loved one had damaged something of mine that is valuable. Energetically I blew up. I have had a number of stressful things occurring lately from health scares (I am fine, turned out to have an easy solution), to almost no time alone, to survival fears , etc. I finally had an open window to get some work done and boom, more stressors. I reacted to the phone call with a harsh tone in my words. I felt the charge deep in my belly and heart. I knew I was highly reactive so i got off the phone and went outside and had a good cry. I wanted to scream ENOUGH, ENOUGH stress, enough challenge, enough releasing, enough forgiveness, enough ascending, just plain 

ENOUGH

I took my own medicine and felt my heart beat wildly, my shoulders tense, my breath come rapidly. I loved the part of myself that felt so overwhelmed for the millionth time. I loved the part of myself that wanted off the merry go round, I loved the part of myself that wanted to curl up under the covers and go home, home to a place so deeply remembered where love is the feeling tone of everyday life, where brutality does not exist. I had just looked at the news of the most recent beheading and was aching for those parents, for the wanton cruelty. I was yearning to live on a kinder, gentler planet. I was tired of holding the light, of offering hope and encouragement. Bah humbug. ENOUGH. I let the hot tears wash over me as the gentle breeze caressed me. I felt my heart beat begin to slow, the tears evaporate. Slowly i could hear the sound of the wind, the chirp of birds. Gradually I regained my center and called the person back and calmly decided how to proceed. I felt tears of regret that I had contributed stress to the experience by responding harshly with my tone. I was aware of how such an accident could occur so easily. I had no blame or judgment, just sadness that initially i did have such upset. I was able to separate what happened from the person who had done it. I was relieved to be more aligned with my deepest value which is to view all with love. And yes that includes ISIL (ISIS). No one could behave in such a way were their hearts not closed. No one can have a heart that closed and not suffer tremendously for that brutality whether at a conscious or unconscious level. While I recognize fully that many would radically disagree with me, I cannot be a part of a strategy to invoke revenge as I know that will just keep the cycle of violence intact. Did we Americans not brutalize suspected terrorist with the intent to get information? Were not the interrogation techniques inhumane? Is it a surprise they are now treating innocent people in a similar fashion? No, we never beheaded anyone that I know of yet the washboarding is something that did occur and is clearly part of the cycle of violence. Retaliation will not work, not in my life nor on the world stage. I pray we recognize this sooner rather than later. Those of you who have been reading this for a long time will recognize I am not generally political. But the atrocity must stop and i feel compelled to speak out. The best thing I can do to effect change in the world is to stop all inner violence. I am sure compared to beheading, my harsh tone seems ridiculously small. Yet I do not see it that way. My tiny uncharitable act contributed to a planetary tone. My later act of kindness and forgiveness, acceptance of my damaged valuable added just a smidgeon to world peace. I even now take exception to the word valuable  Do I value a possession more than a person, than compassion and understanding? I would hope not and perhaps slowly it will be true. I see repeatedly how any limitation I have is being thrown in my face yet I will leave that lesson I am learning for another time. For now I will implore you my darlings to be kind and good to yourself, to forgive yourself for any perceived wrongs. I just love the synchronicity that lead me to the post below which I listened to just before writing this. Wise words as balm for the soul. Precious one, will you join me in stopping the violence by beginning with yourself? Will you be loving to yourself no matter why? If you can do this, know that you are contributing to peace on the planet. Know that you are precious and so loved. Know that you are a masterpiece. I love you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH4WufDyUWg