huh? birthday healing and figuring out which way is up

i haven't written much lately as it is not easy for me to string two sentences together. 2014 is proving to be a very different year energetically, I believe for many of us. I had finally got used to the previous energies of contraction with resulting pain and discomfort followed by release and expansion but that is no longer a pattern for me. Now it seems it is a swirling chaos of unmapped territory with no roadsigns or markers to lead the way. I can not get my finger on any particular pattern or way of navigating these uncharted waters. It is much more physical for me now. For example I might suddenly fall asleep or into a daze from one minute to the next. Yet I am experiencing more neutrality and peace then ever.

My birthday is tomorrow and this has long been a hot spot for me as, along with Christmas, it was a very charged time loaded with expectations and hurt feelings coming from childhood conditioning where I came to view these two events as the only time I recognized I was loved. My mother made the events festive and I was given many presents. Here is what  took away from that. Presents/gifts = love. Crazy I know yet that is what got linked for me. It has taken me about 20 years to unravel this source of pain. I am doing quite well this year with one notable exception where I again slipped into expectations and hurt feelings. 
Here is what is new. I felt myself contract and saw I was at a choice point. I could buy the old story and wail and gnash my teeth or I could just let it go. Yup, it took some concentration and commitment yet I was able to just let it go. We had a little party a few days ago and the love radiating throughout that evening left me glowing with gratitude.
Here's what else is new.  I am finally desiring to be productive and I generally have the energy to sustain it. The grand cross took me to my knees physically and left me frightened briefly for my own survival yet other than that, in general, I have more energy then I have had in a decade. The other pressing thing is I am so done with isolation and solitude. Yes, I need it regularly yet for ever more brief periods. I am chomping at the bit to get on with my passion and to live in community with intimacy and connection. There is a definite lag between my desire and my current reality so I must allow, allow, allow or else go mad with frustration.
I am also getting much better at releasing my type A spiritual "inferior" ego that had me on a constant fixer up self improvement project. I picked and tore at myself, never satisfied with my level of consciousness  judgmental nature, unkindness, etc. In the name of love I treated myself with hateful criticism and nagging, bent on constantly being more loving. Yea, pretty ironic but it took me eons to see it. I share this with the hopes that even one person might catch the rigged game and pull out, treating them-self with loving kindness instead. Yea, pretty crazy to try to be more loving by constantly picking at oneself but there you go; that has been the game I played for decades. What a relief to give it a rest!!
Those are my postcards from the edge. I am enjoying having people from bank clerks to dance instructors to sales assistants ask me what the hell is going on. Let's me know that  now pretty much everybody recognizes we are not in Kansas anymore (Wizard of Oz reference meaning life as we have known it is becoming a thing of the past.) Hope you are managing to navigate these crazy times and feel the blessings coming from these upgrades. My most precious gifts are a general sense of peace and neutrality (yes, they are still accompanied by scattered moments of torment.) Joy and happiness still elude me yet fortunately I have learned to accept what is and stick with my story that all is well.

Reading the below helped me understand the fluid nature of these times and come to greater peace with having no clue where I am and what is up. Perhaps it will help you too. 

http://the-golden-age.blogspot.com/2014/05/time-travel-101-celia-fenn.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FhlOur+%28The+Golden+Age%29

The issue of Frequency is important, for each Timelines emits its signature frequency, and you can be pulled out of your own frequency or desired frequency if you allow yourself to be entangled in the frequency of someone whose narrative and frequency do not match your own or what you aspire to. Or, initially, you may be in frequency resonance and then the frequency may change as the Spiral develops and as more participants enter. At this point, you will have to choose whether to stay in the Time Spiral or Jump the Spiral to something else. Many people have found recently that quite suddenly they face the end of relationships or jobs because of this type of sudden loss of resonance as the Time Spirals lose connection and focus. In the past, when we were all more or less on the same frequency and Time Story, it was not so noticeable, but now as we become empowered and able to initiate and shift Time Spirals, we can immediately feel and see this phenomenon. Instead of being upset, we should possibly see this as a mark that our Time Creations skills are improving as we follow of Story and our Dream in the right direction, allowing nothing and no one to pull us from our own Time Spiral and Frequency...

...When the Light Body is activated, the center of balance moves to the Heart and the Thirteen Chakra energy system includes access to the Higher Dimensions and the Cosmic and Galactic Spirals or Time Spirals. You have access to Cosmic Creation Codes and you are initiating Time Spirals from the Center of Compassion and Love. The Energy signature of such Time Spirals will be Love and Creation and a more graceful and infinite relationship with Time Creation.

The activation of the Light Body will also enable you to shift and jump Time Spirals both individually and as a Group. This is an important skill as it enables "teams" of Light Warriors to enter Timelines and Time Spirals to raise their frequency and shift their direction to harmonize with the direction of Evolution of the Earth within the Galactic Community. Group Time Spiral jumps are authorized by the Galactic and Solar Councils in consultation with the Earth Keeper Council and the Council of Elders. We have just experienced such a Jump in the last few months, as teams of Light Warriors jumped Time Spirals in order to shift frequency.

Initially this is not easy. The Physical Body suffers a form of electromagnetic "shock" or distress, which some have termed "ascension symptoms". This is not about "clearing blocks" as such, it is about allowing your body to recalibrate to the new frequency so that you can accomplish your mission on this Time Spiral. When you enter into a different frequency, using your "Time/Frequency Recalibrator" in your Pineal Gland, your body takes quite a frequency hit, and unless you are grounded and strong you will experience physical distress. This can include dizzines, nausea, anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, ungroundedness, loss of memory and feelings of being alienated and lost. When you are aware of what you are doing, you can "land" in your new Time Frequency and get your bearings pretty quickly...

...as we become aware of the power and empowerment of our new multi-dimensional Body/Light Body Complex, we will realize more and more how we can shift reality and fine tune frequency by developing new narratives that will define our lives in new ways.

In order to do this, we have to be willing to release and let go of the old stories. This will include most of the belief systems that defined our lives before the 2012 portal and which were pushing us towards the "Timeline" ending in catastrophe and disaster. We have to be willing to release our need to define ourselves as "victims" and allowing ourselves to be manipulated by those who are adept at tuning in to the shadow energy by turning our focus to violence, fear and poverty. We may discover that some of the people we thought of as "lightworkers" may in fact be working with this frequency because they have been urged to see the world as a place of conflict over limited resources. The shift will be to embrace the idea and concept of the ability of empowered Conscious Creators to focus the Diamond Light of Galactic Power and create an alternative and higher frequency reality.