Monday, November 11, 2013

status report

I had a wonderful night of sleep last night. I have been sitting on a blog about law of attraction but it is still not birthed yet. Suffice it to say that I have too often seen people use law of attraction and new thought to crack their own noggins with self hatred for not being able to think only positive thoughts or maintain a high vibration. There is absolute truth about how our thoughts create our reality and I have not yet been able to tease this Truth away from how often I see it create more suffering and separation. Still chewing on it.

I wanted to take time on this 11-11 gateway to express appreciation to myself, my guides, teachers, mentors, friends, soul partners, daughter, wasband and any one else who has played a role in helping me wake up. I had an interesting dream last night, maybe will include it here. I have made a commitment to waking up to how I have allowed scarcity to run my life and to do so without a lot of drama or suffering. I know this is a key to waking up ever more fully to my own Divine nature. Just wanted to tell the world I am choosing to be the human prototype for recognizing my own unlimitedness without the old baseball bat to the head to get the job done. So I surrender to whatever it takes to get the job done but since I am the boss of my own Universe, I'm just saying....

So here is my progress report. I just read a few post from about a year ago. One was very telling (November 7, 2012, about darkness and heaviness) Wow, have I come a long way! Holy Toledo!! At the same time I recognized I am now making myself wrong on some level for not attracting abundance, for still experiencing scarcity. No way baby! So I choose to love myself and to love the part of me that still is afraid and feels, projects, creates scarcity. Dear one, I love you, I forgive you and myself for those judgments and I pull you back into my heart where you belong. I sincerely regret the way I have rejected and blamed you. I love you. (pause for a few tears.)

O.K. who is in charge of this blog? Clearly not the me that planned one about a progress report. That was a mini self counseling. Ah well, back to the original plan. (Or maybe not, we'll see.)

So progress report:


self hatred
judgment of self or others
big time fear
belief it will never end
shopping addiction
inability to be around noise or crowds
not wanting to be on Earth
flatlined emotionally
lack of trust
separation with daughter


separation with people I am not intimate with
overeating, sugar addiction
limited success with my passion
limited income from my work
lack of total trust in the Divine
separation from my own Divine nature
fear of death

Yes, I deliberately wrote the last list in yellow to help myself take it lightly. Now if you have been following this blog for very long, you'll know my life was dominated by the first list, before those things were released. It was pretty much my total reality and it was not fun. They have been getting cleared one by one yet almost all of the final clearings have been this year after years of releasing one layer at a time. The energies of transformation are so much more powerful now. Yes, I know sometimes it feels less than benevolent yet the point of this blog is, it is benevolent, it is for our highest good if only we know how to surrender and trust. These are words of encouragment. This journey is doable. As a teacher and because of my particular soul mission to do the full Monty in this lifetime, I have been told I have a much steeper learning curve than is typical. So know with every cell of your being Who you are, know the journey is so worth it, know you are indeed love. Cause here comes the best list:


burst of such incredible joy
harmony, intimacy, laughter and delicious love with my daughter
self love and appreciation
liking being on the planet
KNOWING with absolute certainty my own Divinity
so many open hearted encounters
endless mini miracles

 Has it been worth it? Yes. Are all the goodies here yet? No. Yet the biggest difference is what ever arises, for the most part I can greet it in love. Now that is something worth taking the ride for!

Notes from dream if anyone is interested:

Got confused going to Way of Mastery class and parked in new place. Walked down hill to bigger street and didn’t recognize at all (feels vaguely like other dreams where lost in the city) look all around and can’r find way  so decide to go back to car and retrace my way. Have to climb uphill but only a few blocks. Get to spot (think had trouble parking in first place with a curb or something) car not there, look surrounding blocks look very different (parking lot downstairs enclose and bottom of department storage area?) walk through corridor to street let of car dead-ends in this door, end up in someone’s flat; go to the bathroom (pee, no toilet paper but not needed?) then climb upstairs, man sleeping in bed, say so sorry wake you, he’s not startled said no worries, normally don’t sleep in day but up so long, cab driver criticized me for sleeping but I told him I just need a nap. 

Before this realized car must have been stolen and I thought ah, must call police and ah, this is about my scarcity thing; felt pretty neutral and already thinking how to solve, get $, transport until $ arrives etc. Somehow had walked out of first entrance into building with portable phone, must give it back, one woman didn’t want to let me use her cell, other woman seemed she would then the dream went to the part about walking up the man.

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