Tuesday, November 5, 2013

layers of self love, blind trust, grace in mystery


I awoke today feeling flat lined, indifferent to most everything, untouched by all the beauty and love in my life. Sadly, it is a very familiar place inside. I felt myself wanting to just sink into it, be absorbed by the morass of my emotions, give into the quicksand and disappear. I feel still caught in the turbulent emotions released by the eclipse Sunday. For a number of days I have been considering a question someone asked about self love and reviewing my journey which has extended for lifetimes and eons, seemingly for eternity. Even though I am meant to be doing other things right now, I feel called to try to get my musings on the screen.

I became super conscious of needing to pull in self love shortly after I moved to northern California in 2004. I was going to a new thought church on Sundays because I wanted my very young daughter to have a regular experience of something spiritual, beginning at a young age. While I had been twisted and warped by much of my Catholic upbringing it had also brought in an intricate richness of awareness of mystery beyond the seen world. Yet when I would get to church, I would often want to cry as I perceived the people there to be so aware, conscious, in joy. (I later realized how false that image often was.) I felt like the pariah, hidden in the shame of my own self loathing. I would literally cringe with despair and hopelessness as I became increasingly aware of my own self rejection. As an antidote I developed and taught a course called "Self Love is not for Wimps!" for a number of years both through this same church and at my home. I made tons of progress as I continued the excruciatingly painful task of dismantling that self hatred. A little background is important here. At this point I had already gone through three years of schooling to obtain my Master's in Spiritual and Counseling Psychology, worked professionally as a therapist and done numerous hours of therapy and abouta zillion workshops. So after all that work to discover this pit was beyond mortifying and humbling.

So, flash forward. I had seemingly uncovered much of that self hatred and replaced it with the infinite goodness of my own self love. In fact, this is true yet it did not stop me from falling into the bog a few days ago. A beloved friend Sara shared her own ability to cherish herself in her juicy blog "Following the Joy": 

I find it ever easier to keep turning inward for my own sense of love and support; as if my own heart were the amazing mother who gives you a huge soft cuddle when you are feeling scared, the best friend who cheers you on when you need some encouragement, the lover who reassures you that you are so adored and cherished perfectly as you are, and the home where you know you belong, and that that belonging is the only home you ever need to know, because it is what we have lost our connection to, our perception of, our AWARENESS of, but which truly has always been there
Now mind you when I reread it I see she is talking about a progression. She is moving forward in that intent as, in fact, am I. But in that moment I used it to trash myself, any progress I have made and I fell into black and white stinkin' thinkin' and was internally falling into the bog of self rejection. I won't call it hate anymore, I've come too far for that, but definitely was not loving myself. It was dark and cold outside, darkness descended early as it was the first night of the time change and I was was falling. Even writing about it I feel my stomach clench and my body harden. I was able to talk to a few friends yet my slide continued until I remembered two pearls of wisdom from Matt Kahn, truedivinenature.com about attracting what you judge until you stop judging it and about loving whatever arises, recognizing it is the next layer of opportunity revealing itself in support of one's return to wholeness. That penetrated the fog and I began to love myself for judging myself as not being able to fully love myself! I chose to release the judgment cause, hey, I've been down that tube numerous times and there just ain't any cheese in fact there is a cosmic punch. So I managed to climb back to some level of inner self support. I  am so thankful that I now recognize the gifts in each layer as it unfolds. Often even as it is happening, I can see behind the dross to the gem that awaits once I love the next layer back into wholeness. I can anticipate the increase in energy, freedom, creativity, spaciousness and, most of all, Love. Sure makes the entire experience more graceful and it is a prize I have no awaited. 

 What's interesting is that lately I was blessed with two of the most loving  "proofs" I have ever received that I am indeed loved, yet that did not prevent the latest episode of love lack to arise in me. Two people shared their love and appreciation of me in the most satisfying, soul nourishing way and their words carried me for some time until I was again dumped into my own sense of deficiency. I have tried too may times to get that need validated externally. I have had it filled over and over yet it is never enough. It is moment, hours or days until I am seeking the next hit of external validation to fill that craving, that relentless need. By now I don't have to try even one more time to get it from out there. Thank God that path has revealed itself to me as the dead end it has always been.
I read something from Jennifer Posada www.jenniferposada.com! about this being the time of the blind Oracle, that for the next few months  we would be immersed in darkness, blinded and that only trust could cary us through. That certainly is fitting my experience. It is clear to me that coming into wholeness, into self love involves having the stamina to keep releasing layer after layer and having the trust and faith to see the journey to completion despie the numerous monsters jumping up, screaming in our faces and begging us to take them seriously. I must hold on to my blind trust, not knowing where i am going yet keep on moving through what I am slowly recognizing are illusionary demons. (that's another blog). We are human prototypes as Lauren ThinkwithyourHeart.com likes to say, immersed in a mysterious, inexplicable process of returning to our own Love, our own wholeness. The way is long, arduous and often dark. When one progresses far enough, all sign posts disappear and for me it feels like groping in the dark. My senses can no longer direct me. I am making reservations for the tactile dome at the Explortorium in San Francisco where one pays to find one's way through a dark dome of textures and blind passages, working through the maze. How perfect! This is a symbol of my current experience. It requires allowing uncertainty, faith, trust, a surrendering to the mysetery. It takes everything we have and is the hero/ine's journey.     Yes, the cost is high yet so are the rewards. I have tasted the exquisite joy of inner freeedom. I have known the nectar of my own Essence, I have bathed in the glory of my Love. There is no turning back. The time is now. Come, let's away.

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