Wednesday, February 26, 2014

what does ego sound like?

Last night I watched a movie I did not like called "After Midnight." There are two previous movies which I liked well enough at the time yet would now find rather heady. It was so uncomfortable to watch the characters in the movie argue and hurt each other. It was especially painful as it reminded me of my former life. The pain of arguing and hurting loved ones was so excruciating for me, it is one of my primary motives for getting free. Seeing the movie was a good reminder of that incredible nastiness. I was sharp with my daughter last weekend and she called me on it, saying, hey, I didn't do anything. True enough and now the blessing is that such harshness is so rare it deserved a comment whereas previously lack of such conflict was more noteworthy.
I remembered my dream last night which is rare. It woke me out of a deep sleep and obviously ties in with the movie. I was getting married that day to a man I barely knew. He was short and pudgy. I went for a walk into the vast desert landscape that surrounded the hotel, a landscape my former husband would love. I knew I'd seen it before yet could not place it. It gfelt so spacious and open. I returned to the hotle and just before getting dressed realized I barely knew my fiancĂ©, in fact we had never dated and only met a few times. I got very uneasy and started telling people I did not think I should go through with it. The guests and hotel were very posh and huge preparations had been made. I tried talking to my sister and others who all walked away without acknowledging me. No one would listen. I tried to tell my fiancĂ© yet he too walked away. I was getting frantic and finally cornered a man who actually looked into my eyes and listened to me. I felt attracted to him, thinking I like this man, why am I marrying a man I feel so little for? Then I went for a boat ride with others through the lagoons of the hotel. I had make up on yet my hair was in giant curlers. I was now not 100% clear I should not marry him despite all my realizations. When I first  recognized I maybe should not marry him, it was like waking up from a dream. Now from the boat I saw a dolphin (my favorite animal and symbol of joy and freedom) swimming deep beneath me and I dove into the water with my wedding dress flowing behind me diving to be with the dolphin then swimming madly for freedom. I knew I had to cancel the wedding and just as I got out and was telling someone, I looked down and saw the wedding processional about to begin. There were maybe 50 people in the processional, dressed in luscious rich, majestic robes and glorious colors.  They glittered with jewels as though it was for a royal wedding and I thought to myself, oh it is so beautiful, I hate to stop it before seeing it all. 
 I woke up for "real" (these days I wonder what is real) from this dream into my morning and wondered immediately how I could even have considered marrying a man for whom I had so few feelings.
For me it was so symbolic of the ego. Perhaps I was attracted to all the trappings of this situation, the beauty, wealth, public acceptance. That is not normally important to me yet why else? What was curious was how dazed I was within the dream, still not 100% clear what to do. I woke up horrified to think that I could consider such a marriage even in a dream. It helped me realize how the ego tricks us with glitter, obscuring the deeper truths. I woke up so glad to see more clearly and to no longer be as deeply enmeshed in the ego's false promises.

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