Saturday, February 8, 2014

Return: the innocence and vulnerability of a child

I had an experience at the beginning of the week that rocked my world and am finally able to articulate it somewhat. As those who have had revelatory experiences know, they can never really be put into words as they are formless and mysterious yet here is the closest approximation I can give. Sunday was a very rough day with my old issue of not being lovable, loved rose for another release. At the same time I felt this innocent child peeking out at me. Then Monday I was Skyping with my beloved friend Ushchi when the child came out in full force. I finally understood what all the mystics always say, that this is the journey of no distance, returning to where we began rather than arriving in a new place. I RETURNED TO MYSELF BEFORE I WAS WOUNDED, BEFORE I FELT THE NEED FOR PROTECTION, BEFORE I HAD STARTED TURNING COLD AND GUARDED.  I FELT MYSELF BACK WHERE I HAD STARTED FROM, WITH THE FULL INNOCENCE OF MYSELF AS A  CHILD, PRIOR TO CONDITIONING HAD SHUT ME OFF FROM MY TRUE SELF YET WITH THE WISDOM AND MATURITY OF AN ADULT. I cannot even begin to articulate the purity of emotion that flooded my being, the gratitude, the sense of homecoming and joy. It was completely different from the numerous times I have reverted to being a child in order to heal a wound at the point of inception. I once stood in a room of over 200 people, at the very back with my eyes locked on my beloved teacher Mary's eyes (University of Santa Monica) and began speaking in my voice as a five year old, telling her how unsafe I felt, how afraid. I have no idea how long the interchange lasted. I only know that when I came out of it, I once again was aware of the crowded room and the hushed and respectful silence, of the looks of love and appreciation flooding over me from the other students, to which I sadly reacted  with a bit of shame and a desire to hide. This was completely different. I was mySelf, vulnerable, free, delighted with my own being. I was innocent, as though everything that had shut me down had never happened and I had no memory or sense of all the pain, anguish and endless releasing. I was Home. I have had the sense of homecoming numerous times in the last years yet it was always a return to a place that felt familiar yet was outside of me. This was an internal restoration to MYSELF and it was so tender and dear. Tears streamed down my eyes in wonder. Ah dear friends, I cannot tell you of the joy that sprung into an instantaneous garden of beauty and aliveness. I regret my inability to even begin to find a way of conveying that feeling state. I so wish I could have the feeling tone of it jump off the page so that you too could feel it and know it is worth it to keep stumbling through these challenging times knowing the return is a priceless prize worth knowing as our ultimate destiny.
Fascinatingly I then heard from a friend that she had just written about a similar experience and I found that Lauren at had just posted a poem from Michael Jackson that made it clear me that he had known this place more frequently and intimately than I have as of yet. Another woman on the site had also had a similar experience so it is clear the magic is in the air. Keep the faith my loves, the end is certain, returning to the place we have never truly left and knowing ourselves as precious beyond measure, as Home.

Magical Child
by Michael Jackson

Once there was a child and he was free
Deep inside, he felt the laughter
The mirth and play of nature’s glee
Beauty, love was all he’d see

He knew his power was the power of God
He was so sure, they considered him odd
This power of innocence, of compassion, of light
Threatened the priests and created a fight
In endless ways they sought to dismantle
This mysterious force which they could not handle

In endless ways they tried to destroy
His simple trust, his boundless joy
His invincible armor was a shield of bliss
Nothing could touch it, no venom, no hiss

The child remained in a state of grace
He wasn’t confined in time or place
In Technicolor dreams, he frolicked and played
While acting his part, in Eternity he stayed

Soothsayers came and fortunes were told
Some were vehement, others were bold
In denouncing this child, this perplexing creature
With the rest of the world he shared no feature
IS he real?He is so strange
His unpredictable nature knows no range
He puzzles us so, is he straight?
What’s his destiny?What’s his fate?

And while they whispered and conspired
Through endless rumors to get him tired
To kill his wonder, trample him near
Burn his courage, fuel his fear
The child remained just simpel, sincere

All he wanted was the mountain high
Color the clouds, paint the sky
Beyond these boundaries, he wanted to fly
In nature’s scheme, never to die

Don’t stop this child, he’s the father of man
Don’t cross his way, he’s part of the plan
I am that child, but so are you
You’ve just forgotten, just lost the clue

Inside your heart sits a Seer
Between his thoughts, he can hear
A melody simple but wondrously clear
The music of life, so precious, so dear

If you could for one moment know
This spark of creation, this exquisite glow
You would come and dance with me
Kindle this fire so we could see
All the children of the Earth
Wave their magic and give new birth
To a world of freedom with no pain
A world of joy, much more sane

Deep inside, you know it’s true
Just find that child, it’s hiding in you.


  1. Hi Savannah! I'm not sure I have had the experience you speak of, though I had a reunion with my inner child some time ago that was incredibly sweet. But I relate more fully to what you are sharing by the experiences I have with my five year old grandson, Krystopher. Every time I am with him he shows me and teaches me how to live in the present moment in delight and wonder, how to be authentically me by watching him be authentically him. I see the challenges of my present moment to moment experience as being related to letting go of the beliefs and decisions that dimmed within me the radiant light of self that I see in him.

    One further point: he has a passion and a fire for the super heroes he sees in cartoons and movies. I speculate that for his generation experiencing super powers will be much easier than it has been for my generation. My hope is that our work in returning to authenticity will clear the energetic grids that allowed us to dive so deeply into separation and provide a healing to those grids. In this way I hope that his generation will never have to go there, but can move into adulthood much more clearly anchored in the light of the self.

    Thanks for sharing this experience. May you anchor in it, and live there, and hold the space for me and all of us working in this direction.


  2. Kristin,
    I hope you felt the love wave that burst from my heart reading your words. I couldn't agree more about today's children. My experiences connecting to my daughter's wisdom and presence have been among the most healing of my life. I now teach conscious parenting as learning to heal any part of me that was capable of wounding and conditioning her due to my unconsciousness was/is so painful that I have devoted myself to letting it go and showing others how I did it. My heart is swelling with love and appreciation that you are also holding this precious space for all of us to know our innocence and power. I agree about the super powers. First Harry Potter drove me nuts and then I realized it helps my daughter believe in magic and miracles, in her own power. She overheard an acquaintance of mine making statements how this and that is just not possible. Afterwards she said to me, Mom, she is limiting herself and shutting down her own opportunities with her words. Right on!
    so much love to you and your grandson,

    1. Incredible to see this understanding in young ones!
      hugs and love,

  3. Yes, it gives me so much hope and an inner belly joy,
    much love xxoxoxox