Return: the innocence and vulnerability of a child

I had an experience at the beginning of the week that rocked my world and am finally able to articulate it somewhat. As those who have had revelatory experiences know, they can never really be put into words as they are formless and mysterious yet here is the closest approximation I can give. Sunday was a very rough day with my old issue of not being lovable, loved rose for another release. At the same time I felt this innocent child peeking out at me. Then Monday I was Skyping with my beloved friend Ushchi when the child came out in full force. I finally understood what all the mystics always say, that this is the journey of no distance, returning to where we began rather than arriving in a new place. I RETURNED TO MYSELF BEFORE I WAS WOUNDED, BEFORE I FELT THE NEED FOR PROTECTION, BEFORE I HAD STARTED TURNING COLD AND GUARDED.  I FELT MYSELF BACK WHERE I HAD STARTED FROM, WITH THE FULL INNOCENCE OF MYSELF AS A  CHILD, PRIOR TO CONDITIONING HAD SHUT ME OFF FROM MY TRUE SELF YET WITH THE WISDOM AND MATURITY OF AN ADULT. I cannot even begin to articulate the purity of emotion that flooded my being, the gratitude, the sense of homecoming and joy. It was completely different from the numerous times I have reverted to being a child in order to heal a wound at the point of inception. I once stood in a room of over 200 people, at the very back with my eyes locked on my beloved teacher Mary's eyes (University of Santa Monica) and began speaking in my voice as a five year old, telling her how unsafe I felt, how afraid. I have no idea how long the interchange lasted. I only know that when I came out of it, I once again was aware of the crowded room and the hushed and respectful silence, of the looks of love and appreciation flooding over me from the other students, to which I sadly reacted  with a bit of shame and a desire to hide. This was completely different. I was mySelf, vulnerable, free, delighted with my own being. I was innocent, as though everything that had shut me down had never happened and I had no memory or sense of all the pain, anguish and endless releasing. I was Home. I have had the sense of homecoming numerous times in the last years yet it was always a return to a place that felt familiar yet was outside of me. This was an internal restoration to MYSELF and it was so tender and dear. Tears streamed down my eyes in wonder. Ah dear friends, I cannot tell you of the joy that sprung into an instantaneous garden of beauty and aliveness. I regret my inability to even begin to find a way of conveying that feeling state. I so wish I could have the feeling tone of it jump off the page so that you too could feel it and know it is worth it to keep stumbling through these challenging times knowing the return is a priceless prize worth knowing as our ultimate destiny.
Fascinatingly I then heard from a friend that she had just written about a similar experience and I found that Lauren at ThinkwithyourHeart.com had just posted a poem from Michael Jackson that made it clear me that he had known this place more frequently and intimately than I have as of yet. Another woman on the site had also had a similar experience so it is clear the magic is in the air. Keep the faith my loves, the end is certain, returning to the place we have never truly left and knowing ourselves as precious beyond measure, as Home.

Magical Child

by Michael Jackson

Once there was a child and he was free

Deep inside, he felt the laughter

The mirth and play of nature’s glee

Beauty, love was all he’d see

He knew his power was the power of God

He was so sure, they considered him odd

This power of innocence, of compassion, of light

Threatened the priests and created a fight

In endless ways they sought to dismantle

This mysterious force which they could not handle

In endless ways they tried to destroy

His simple trust, his boundless joy

His invincible armor was a shield of bliss

Nothing could touch it, no venom, no hiss

The child remained in a state of grace

He wasn’t confined in time or place

In Technicolor dreams, he frolicked and played

While acting his part, in Eternity he stayed

Soothsayers came and fortunes were told

Some were vehement, others were bold

In denouncing this child, this perplexing creature

With the rest of the world he shared no feature

IS he real?He is so strange

His unpredictable nature knows no range

He puzzles us so, is he straight?

What’s his destiny?What’s his fate?

And while they whispered and conspired

Through endless rumors to get him tired

To kill his wonder, trample him near

Burn his courage, fuel his fear

The child remained just simpel, sincere

All he wanted was the mountain high

Color the clouds, paint the sky

Beyond these boundaries, he wanted to fly

In nature’s scheme, never to die

Don’t stop this child, he’s the father of man

Don’t cross his way, he’s part of the plan

I am that child, but so are you

You’ve just forgotten, just lost the clue

Inside your heart sits a Seer

Between his thoughts, he can hear

A melody simple but wondrously clear

The music of life, so precious, so dear

If you could for one moment know

This spark of creation, this exquisite glow

You would come and dance with me

Kindle this fire so we could see

All the children of the Earth

Wave their magic and give new birth

To a world of freedom with no pain

A world of joy, much more sane

Deep inside, you know it’s true

Just find that child, it’s hiding in you.