fog, control, exhaustion, surrender

It is now several weeks with only a few hours and maybe one day where I don't feel either exhausted, fogged, unclear, wading through molasses or just  depleted. Yesterday I was fine and actually enjoyed functioning. I am noticing how desperately I want to control this. I do everything to try to force myself to sleep longer and it doesn't work. It is so frustrating to be so tired and not be able to sleep. This seems very common right now. Here is what I am getting. A lot of it is just what is up. We are being bombarded with light and in some ways it is frying our nervous systems. I know there are those who are already up to speed and they are just fine. Yet for the rest of us it is a challenge. I know I must surrender and allow this to be as it is. The only times I slept longer was when I stopped fighting it and just allowed it to be as it was, I allowed the sleepless exhaustion. Paradoxically but not surprisingly, then I slept deeply and long. I see us as pioneers, crossing unknown lands with no map, no certainty of any type of end point, of relief. It is hard to endure and keep the faith, at least for me sometimes. Know how courageous you are.
I must also be vigilant against thoughts like: this is never going to end, I can' take it, I did something wrong, I didn't try hard enough, I missed the boat, etc. These sink me faster than a torpedo. I can hardly muster the awareness yet I know what I focus on will be magnified. The main point for me is to love myself, whatever shows up.
My dear friend Uschi told me how when she climbs to the foothills of the Alps to get out of the fog, the fog is always the thickest just before she breaks through to sparkling sunlight. That is the image I had already of what is now occuring. I felt so much clarity when Uschi confirmed my inner vision. Hang in there my loves. My sense is, if you have done your clearing, relief is in sight.

This mediation is powerful for me and helped me sleep deeply one night:

Tom Kenyon, Click here to listen to and/or download the Hathor Heart Chakra Healing Sound Meditation ©2013