Thursday, January 23, 2014

guilt and Catholicism

I awoke this morning before dawn torn by a terrible guilt over something I had said to a new friend, establishing boundaries and relaying different needs. I knew something big was up and felt tension in my left shoulder. I asked it what it needed, what would help it relax. I immediately got an image of the Catholic church and how I was indoctrinated with the concepts of sin and guilt from the earliest age. I spent 7 years in two private Catholic school where I literally went to mass 6 days a week. The punishment for sin was eternal damnation. Since I felt I had committed a mortal sin over a silly childish prank I merely WITNESSED, for years I believed I was doomed to hell, to ashamed to confess my horrible sin. I will soon bury the word sin in a sacred place on this glorious land. I will also burn the word guilt. I am also saying to myself the words I wished a member of the church had said to me, to make me feel better about this situation. I say them slowly and tenderly to myself, a la Matt Kahn's instructions. I have also been doing a process to release old soul contracts. One is about how a relative judged and criticized me frequently. I immediately saw how often I judge and criticize myself, for not being perfect, for not being always loving. Yes, I see now how I am spiritually type A, relentlessly pounding myself. I am anti-doting this by loving all parts of myself, the guilty part, the critical part, the rageful part. I feel deep rage at the deliberate soul destroying way I was manipulated by the Catholic church. I know most people are unaware of the dangers of that conditioning and it has taken me awhile to wake up to those perils. I do not blame the nuns or priest who I see as innocent victims too. Rather whatever force decided to subjugate humanities power. Not a story I need to get into. I am just allowing my rage, sadness, seeing it pass out of my energy field.

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