Wednesday, January 22, 2014

embracing emptiness, anxiety, I don't know- feeling safe

I have been in a fairly strong energy of emptiness, mild anxiety and a lack of clarity about next steps that amounts to a clueless energy. I just listened to Matt Kahn's broadcast last night that helped me shift my relationship to these energies. He said these are all symptoms of the release of the ego and thus to welcome them as harbingers of our imminent connection to our Source and our True Identities. Huh?!?!?! I know I have heard this before yet not in quite this way and for whatever reason, it sunk in. I slept amazingly well after recognizing I was judging myself as a failure and no-good-nick for not getting moving on work/career/money. I was like what the #$$%^^&&& is the matter with you, no common sense, just like your dad told you. Yup, true enough, I do have no common sense yet lots of uncommon sense. Today I am just doing whatever arises and feeling good about, it feeling safe doing it, not freaked I should be doing something else, trusting all will be well. I feel my fear of scarcity drifting away. I feel myself more empowered than ever. I just wrote an email that may be challenging for someone I care about yet knew I had to reveal that the dynamic between us was one that was not feeling good to me. I did not go into long explanations or defense, just a simple statement of what works for me to see if it works for her. No attachment to outcome. This being sovereign is shit scary yet so delicious at the same time. 
I am still exercising every day this year, have released about 7-8 pounds, made six trips to donate things as I am clearing out my house, been cooking new, healthy meals, organizing and cleaning daily, creating new class promos and I was still not satisfied? This after years of barely being able to crawl down the steps. huh? what did I want from myself? I see now how much I did to feel protected. I can't remember if I already wrote about this but a beloved teacher pointed out to me that I was Type A spiritually, ruthlessly whipping myself to be more spiritual, do more processes, release more etc. Done with that too. He called it my spiritual stunt double masquerading as me. Beneath that is my tender, vulnerable, real self who is beginning to feel safe enough to emerge. My weight, fear of scarcity, focus on $, going toward or away from relationships; seems most of my life was based on trying to keep myself feeling safe. Today I am in relationship with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the emptiness, the lack of directions and it is not very uncomfortable. whowowowhow. This adventure is definitely not turning out as imagined yet what a ride!

Matt Kahn's show: 

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