Happy fourth of July, my sister/brother Americans. Let's hear it for the vision of freedom our founding fathers envisioned for us.
Let’s see if I an string a few sentences together. Here’s what’s been up for me for over a week- loss of control. Growing up in a chaotic, terrifying home has lead me to be a control freak. I have recognized and worked on healing these old patterns for decades. My experience is that the last remnants of whatever remains unhealed are surfacing for clearing- oh what joy.
Now I have been given my marching orders and they are to discover the recipe for joy. So my investigation has discovered a lot of what is not joyful long terms- i.e. possessions, co-dependency, control, getting my own way, listening to the voice of fear. Yet over the last week I have had the voice of fear grip me so powerfully it literally affected my breathing and heart rate. A friend was so affected by these energies she had to go to the doctor in the middle of the night to help regain her breath.
Yes, the voice of fear has been very convincing, very cunning. He (sorry guys, feels like a he) has had me by the throat, squeezing my wind pipe, convincing me I’m a goner, presenting me with one of my worst nightmares and croning to me over and over that there is no way out. Well, let me tell you, that does not create pleasant feeling in my body. Several times over the last week I bought the package with the resulting side effects. Feels like my heart is in the garbage chute from Star Wars, about to get compacted, my breath is short and thin. My head feels like an overripe watermelon about to burst and I feel surrounded by an intense feeling of hopelessness and dread. Am I missing something here- where’s the joy? A family member is playing the role of perpetuator perfectly, pushing all my out of control buttons. And oh what a master this person is. So of course I got out my shotgun of projection and opened fire- freaking out and foaming at the mouth., Unperturbed this person just let me flop and squirm to no avail. So what’s a girl to do. So without much hope I trudged to my Way of Mastery class where I was reminded of the first axiom- we create all our own experiences. Oh, now I get the joy- I did this to myself!! At first sight, this does not seem like good news. But on second glance, this is very empowering. I have to shut down my rage gun of blame and look inside. After a couple of experiences, I got the underlying cause- these situations have re-triggered the out of control terror of my childhood. So even if I could get “other” to change their behavior I would just attract the same energy somewhere else. O.K., now I got it figured out, what next? I was still flipped out- see the bubble above my head that reads “what the f*ck am I suppose to do now. I’ve tried to heal this all my life- what the *&&&^^%$##$%^^&*())*&^%$#@!!#^*())(&^% am I suppose to do now.” Anybody spot the error in this picture? It was little ole me trying to battle the demons single handedly- good luck. Of course my ego/ small self can’t resolve it- it doesn’t want to resolve it. This involves ego transformation and my ego is fighting me tooth and nail, to the end. It does feel like life and death. Yet again and again I turn to my The Course in Miracles and read it is me that has made the situation appear impossible, it is me trapping myself in my own nightmare. The solution- same as always- end the separation within, turn to my higher self who knows exactly what to do, allow this situation to unfold exactly as it is, recognize this is occurring because I asked for it to return me to wholeness, get off the pity pot, recognizing I am clueless and have to surrender to a power great than myself and let go of the most crippling belief of all- I can’t do this- it is too much. I also have to let go of trying and analyzing- hard for one who has always gotten her greatest kuddos for being smart- well in this case trying to be smart is really stupid. In my world the stakes just keep getting higher. I have been told and I can see that I have raised the bar to break down the false identity of myself as in control of this ascension process, this awakening, whatever you want to call it. It is my false spiritual persona directing how this transformation will occur, with her butt cemented to the driver’s seat. Good luck with that. I want my hands on the steering wheel at all times. Time to let go and see where I am taken. Every time I have turned to that Higher voice within, miracles of love and grace unfold. I bet my guides are up there shaking their heads, going “what is it going to take for her to finally get it?” Lucky they are soooo patient. Wish me courage and godspeed as I jump off the next cliff, having faith that I will fly.
Let’s see if I an string a few sentences together. Here’s what’s been up for me for over a week- loss of control. Growing up in a chaotic, terrifying home has lead me to be a control freak. I have recognized and worked on healing these old patterns for decades. My experience is that the last remnants of whatever remains unhealed are surfacing for clearing- oh what joy.
Now I have been given my marching orders and they are to discover the recipe for joy. So my investigation has discovered a lot of what is not joyful long terms- i.e. possessions, co-dependency, control, getting my own way, listening to the voice of fear. Yet over the last week I have had the voice of fear grip me so powerfully it literally affected my breathing and heart rate. A friend was so affected by these energies she had to go to the doctor in the middle of the night to help regain her breath.
Yes, the voice of fear has been very convincing, very cunning. He (sorry guys, feels like a he) has had me by the throat, squeezing my wind pipe, convincing me I’m a goner, presenting me with one of my worst nightmares and croning to me over and over that there is no way out. Well, let me tell you, that does not create pleasant feeling in my body. Several times over the last week I bought the package with the resulting side effects. Feels like my heart is in the garbage chute from Star Wars, about to get compacted, my breath is short and thin. My head feels like an overripe watermelon about to burst and I feel surrounded by an intense feeling of hopelessness and dread. Am I missing something here- where’s the joy? A family member is playing the role of perpetuator perfectly, pushing all my out of control buttons. And oh what a master this person is. So of course I got out my shotgun of projection and opened fire- freaking out and foaming at the mouth., Unperturbed this person just let me flop and squirm to no avail. So what’s a girl to do. So without much hope I trudged to my Way of Mastery class where I was reminded of the first axiom- we create all our own experiences. Oh, now I get the joy- I did this to myself!! At first sight, this does not seem like good news. But on second glance, this is very empowering. I have to shut down my rage gun of blame and look inside. After a couple of experiences, I got the underlying cause- these situations have re-triggered the out of control terror of my childhood. So even if I could get “other” to change their behavior I would just attract the same energy somewhere else. O.K., now I got it figured out, what next? I was still flipped out- see the bubble above my head that reads “what the f*ck am I suppose to do now. I’ve tried to heal this all my life- what the *&&&^^%$##$%^^&*())*&^%$#@!!#^*())(&^% am I suppose to do now.” Anybody spot the error in this picture? It was little ole me trying to battle the demons single handedly- good luck. Of course my ego/ small self can’t resolve it- it doesn’t want to resolve it. This involves ego transformation and my ego is fighting me tooth and nail, to the end. It does feel like life and death. Yet again and again I turn to my The Course in Miracles and read it is me that has made the situation appear impossible, it is me trapping myself in my own nightmare. The solution- same as always- end the separation within, turn to my higher self who knows exactly what to do, allow this situation to unfold exactly as it is, recognize this is occurring because I asked for it to return me to wholeness, get off the pity pot, recognizing I am clueless and have to surrender to a power great than myself and let go of the most crippling belief of all- I can’t do this- it is too much. I also have to let go of trying and analyzing- hard for one who has always gotten her greatest kuddos for being smart- well in this case trying to be smart is really stupid. In my world the stakes just keep getting higher. I have been told and I can see that I have raised the bar to break down the false identity of myself as in control of this ascension process, this awakening, whatever you want to call it. It is my false spiritual persona directing how this transformation will occur, with her butt cemented to the driver’s seat. Good luck with that. I want my hands on the steering wheel at all times. Time to let go and see where I am taken. Every time I have turned to that Higher voice within, miracles of love and grace unfold. I bet my guides are up there shaking their heads, going “what is it going to take for her to finally get it?” Lucky they are soooo patient. Wish me courage and godspeed as I jump off the next cliff, having faith that I will fly.
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