guilt and Catholicism

I awoke this morning before dawn torn by a terrible guilt over something I had said to a new friend, establishing boundaries and relaying different needs. I knew something big was up and felt tension in my left shoulder. I asked it what it needed, what would help it relax. I immediately got an image of the Catholic church and how I was indoctrinated with the concepts of sin and guilt from the earliest age. I spent 7 years in two private Catholic school where I literally went to mass 6 days a week. The punishment for sin was eternal damnation. Since I felt I had committed a mortal sin over a silly childish prank I merely WITNESSED, for years I believed I was doomed to hell, to ashamed to confess my horrible sin. I will soon bury the word sin in a sacred place on this glorious land. I will also burn the word guilt. I am also saying to myself the words I wished a member of the church had said to me, to make me feel better about this situation. I say them slowly and tenderly to myself, a la Matt Kahn's instructions. I have also been doing a process to release old soul contracts. One is about how a relative judged and criticized me frequently. I immediately saw how often I judge and criticize myself, for not being perfect, for not being always loving. Yes, I see now how I am spiritually type A, relentlessly pounding myself. I am anti-doting this by loving all parts of myself, the guilty part, the critical part, the rageful part. I feel deep rage at the deliberate soul destroying way I was manipulated by the Catholic church. I know most people are unaware of the dangers of that conditioning and it has taken me awhile to wake up to those perils. I do not blame the nuns or priest who I see as innocent victims too. Rather whatever force decided to subjugate humanities power. Not a story I need to get into. I am just allowing my rage, sadness, seeing it pass out of my energy field.

inner soverignty

The concept of inner sovereignty really resonates for me; I see myself and those around me claiming it ever more deeply. What an exilerating, scary journey this is. This helped:

From: Lisa Rene

The Tree of Life

December 2013

When we identify what it is stimulating fear into victimhood, we stop giving it power over us. Second, one must leave all false beliefs of security, stability and protection as a measurement made in the material reality. This is the true understanding that money, houses, careers, bank accounts, credit ratings; marriages are not the real sense of one's security. To use any of these items as a life boat to feel secure and stable, is a total delusion of power which is eventually designed to fail. This is to break one's self esteem through continued betrayals of trust and calculated by the False King of Tyranny to create codependence, frailty and apathy. Many humans are learning this lesson in a very painful way during this cycle.  We must learn to identify the difference between the False King and the Holy Father in order to find true security, stability and grounded spirituality within...

Finding Base Security and Inner Stability

One must make a sincere effort to stop the delusion of basing one's self esteem being made on the appearance or assumption of outer circumstances. For many of us, this is our immediate task at hand, to be mentally and emotionally freed of being bullied, intimidated, and threatened against one's sense of inner security, stability, foundation and wellbeing. We must master this lesson with the Cosmic Holy Father. He is embodied here in matter to give us his hand in supporting this truth. It is only the Trinity of which leads us back to the inner One, that is our real security. That relationship is totally up to each of us. Only you can develop trust in that relationship with God, no one can do that for you on the outside.

The foundation of our lightbody is our form holding energetic blueprint which exists as the holographic Tree of Life. We are being pushed hard to surface that which has stunted our spiritual and personal growth which exists at the base levels or unconscious levels.  When we hold unresolved and unconscious pain in our base frequency, it weakens our entire foundation; it erodes the roots which hold the base of our personal Tree of Life...

When our power is used for the greatest good and in the service for others, when we dedicate ourselves to do the best we can every day to have aligned thinking, speaking and actions, the embodied spirit of these combined virtues give us massive inner spiritual strength. This strengthens our inner foundation and it is that spiritual strength which greatly blesses us to feel supported and progress on our consciousness path of mental and emotional freedom.

Inquiry Meditation on the Father Archetypes and directing one's Personal Power:

• Where are you dissipating or wasting energy or time?
• Does the inner and outer tyrant inflict self-torture? If so, how can you immediately change those thoughts and circumstances?
• Do you understand and admit your weaknesses and realize how they can be exploited?
• What is the motivation behind your thought processes and behaviors?
• Where do you have issues of self-control which interfere with courage, determination and patience?
• Are you willing to be the Force of Goodness and cultivate virtues and ethics to be the will to good?...

new vision for this blog

My energy is so different this year. I have had to make adjustments, leave a group, change relationships because when I have a conversation about limitation, lack, story, it just feels so heavy in my body. This blog has been dedicated to sharing my journey of how this ascension experience is unfolding for one person with the desire to mitigate feelings of alienation, shame, loneliness, judgment in others by perhaps seeing this is a universal experience, not just one of us wigging out. I sense a big shift is underway for me. What I have been sharing is primarily the release process and what it looks and feels like for me. Since I no longer am focused on releasing, am now focused on embracing, knowing, trusting, obviously this blog will shift to reflect that. I am also playing with my two web sites I am developing. This is just giving you a heads up in case you are one of my beloved devoted readers. It is also a way of  honoring myself by publicly stating where I am. In this the I don't know energy is present too. I don't actually know what I will do until I do it. You have no idea how liberating this is for a former control freak. Feel free to share any comments, questions or concerns. Love you, my darlings. You are all so precious, so adorable, so loved!!!!!!!!!!

embracing emptiness, anxiety, I don't know- feeling safe

I have been in a fairly strong energy of emptiness, mild anxiety and a lack of clarity about next steps that amounts to a clueless energy. I just listened to Matt Kahn's broadcast last night that helped me shift my relationship to these energies. He said these are all symptoms of the release of the ego and thus to welcome them as harbingers of our imminent connection to our Source and our True Identities. Huh?!?!?! I know I have heard this before yet not in quite this way and for whatever reason, it sunk in. I slept amazingly well after recognizing I was judging myself as a failure and no-good-nick for not getting moving on work/career/money. I was like what the #$$%^^&&& is the matter with you, no common sense, just like your dad told you. Yup, true enough, I do have no common sense yet lots of uncommon sense. Today I am just doing whatever arises and feeling good about, it feeling safe doing it, not freaked I should be doing something else, trusting all will be well. I feel my fear of scarcity drifting away. I feel myself more empowered than ever. I just wrote an email that may be challenging for someone I care about yet knew I had to reveal that the dynamic between us was one that was not feeling good to me. I did not go into long explanations or defense, just a simple statement of what works for me to see if it works for her. No attachment to outcome. This being sovereign is shit scary yet so delicious at the same time. 

I am still exercising every day this year, have released about 7-8 pounds, made six trips to donate things as I am clearing out my house, been cooking new, healthy meals, organizing and cleaning daily, creating new class promos and I was still not satisfied? This after years of barely being able to crawl down the steps. huh? what did I want from myself? I see now how much I did to feel protected. I can't remember if I already wrote about this but a beloved teacher pointed out to me that I was Type A spiritually, ruthlessly whipping myself to be more spiritual, do more processes, release more etc. Done with that too. He called it my spiritual stunt double masquerading as me. Beneath that is my tender, vulnerable, real self who is beginning to feel safe enough to emerge. My weight, fear of scarcity, focus on $, going toward or away from relationships; seems most of my life was based on trying to keep myself feeling safe. Today I am in relationship with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the emptiness, the lack of directions and it is not very uncomfortable. whowowowhow. This adventure is definitely not turning out as imagined yet what a ride!

Matt Kahn's show: https://de149.infusionsoft.com/go/BTOS/MattKahn/ 

monsters, questions, feeling good

written a week or two ago- finally getting around to publishing it:

The first thing I want to mention is how i caught myself in the act of self rejection. My eye caught  my blog about vanquishing the monsters. huh? I thought I was choosing to love the part of myself that is afraid, that feels anxiety- then how can I call it a monster? Guilty as charged and now in self reform school.Catching myself more frequently being out of self love and that is now a no fly zone. But I will not judge myself for not loving myself, nope, see that trap from afar.

The second thing is how much I love questions. I have sat with the question of how to  release the egoic energy of trying and effortless action arrived to answer my question. Then I had a question about how to feel safe and keep my heart open with uncertainty so often looming. I wanted a magic answer to sooth all my concerns. Instead I found another area I was a puppet to- first to external love and relationships, then to anxiety and overwhelm, now to uncertainty, money, my old definition of success. Adios old energy, you no longer serve me and you definitely don't feel good.  By the way, the answer to feeling save with uncertainty is just to accept and allow uncertainty- duh! I can feel a sense of mastery arriving that allows me to accept uncertainty, at least more often than before. Shew, what a ride.

you are a masterpiece

somethings I wrote a few years ago, liked it so passing it on. feeling impelled to sort, throw out, organize, clean. Found this erasing old emails.
xooxox



Beloveds,

       May this day find you enjoying life's mystery and beauty. Some notes from the front lines of my ongoing quest for unity consciousness. Since I have committed to releasing separation within me guess what had raised it's dear head for me to look at? Right, separation! So it came in it's latest disguise, trying to convince me it is real, I will always be alone, love is a hoax, etc. Now being such an aware person, I haven't been able but help to notice when I buy the ego's truth, I end up feeling like I've been zapped with a cattle prod. This is high incentive to do something different. So stimulus comes in, my body goes into hyper alert, my mind sends out danger alarms but this time I caught it, I named it for what it was and I kept my mouth shut. I said nothing and didn't even send out an energetic fireball. The moment passed. Literally within minutes the statement that had triggered such reactivity within me had been amended to something I had found very connecting. As I was driving home just before this happened, I had caught my thoughts buying the whole idea of other, of other being harmful to me at times. I had caught that thought and declared it illusion, a lie, I felt my body shake with the energy it took to reverse the thought. I delcared myself as one with the same energy that runs the Universe and DECIDED not to believe any appearance of separation, attack, blame, guilt, etc. Well within minutes I was tested and this time I passed thrugh the eye of the needle!! After make the decision not to believe what my body and mind where screaming at me, a stream of loving, connecting statements were flowing to me. Coincidence? I think not. So me and my angels are going to soak in a little sun, sit in the breeze and relax until the next "opportunity" to free myself arises. Today, may only love find you, because that is who you are!!!! Celebrate yourself, you are a masterpiece!! love savannah

7/3/10

June 11, 2010, 12:23 PM

Beloveds,

So much wisdom coming from The Way of Mastery I feel impelled to share. So my intention is to live in love and the course says I must MERELY remove all obstacles to love rather than seek love. The obstacles are always the voice of the ego which tells me to see others as the enemy if I do not perceive them as in support of me. How to overcome this? See everything as an act of love or a cry for help. Learn that nothing outside myself will give me the love that I am looking for; that only by recognizing my true Self as an embodiment of Divine consciousness and reflecting that to all whom I meet will I know love. O.K.,O.K., heard it a million times before yet when the monsters the size of New York raise their ugly heads and scream terror at me, scream you can't do this, you'll never make it, your fear is REAL REAL REAL, you are separate, what to do?

On Monday I was able to be hugged by Amma, the woman known as the hugging saint, who has hugged over 25 million people and who is said to have a profound affect on consciousness through her hugs. On Tuesday I was having a session with a healer who said I was carrying Avatar consciousness (still not quite sure what that means) and that he had never experienced anything like it, that I was vibrating at such a high level, that he was able to clear so much in me gracefully and without pain- usually very painful. I walked around on a cloud of love. Wednesday the shit hit the fan again. The universe keeps asking me to forgive (a central tenant of the Course- to see all only as love, to see no error) the one thing that is excruciatingly painful to me, the thing that drops me to my knees every time. Well, I felt about two inches tall and felt huge rage coursing through my body and found a target to project it on, now according to me, to my ego, with all the reason in the world, as ANYONE would agree, if they knew the story. O.k. So more pain, more suffering. So the Course ask me if I am busy extending love or busy trying to get my world to give me the love I think I am missing? Try to guess, door number two. It ain't working so I'll try again. Today I was able to offer love in a situation where, in the past- let's call it over half a century- I would blow a person away for treating me like that, etc. etc.The Way assures me no one can bring me the love I seek, but that requires me to put all my attention on my relationship to Source. Yikees, all my attention, yea all of it, and then forgive ANYTHING that does not look like love. Forgive means to see no error, to see no harm, no upset, no hurt. A tall order. I am sharing this because I did actually pull it of this one time and I am intending to anchor it in myself by extension. My wish is that somehow, it finds someone who is uplifted by these words, who has just a smidge of a better understanding how to live in love, and that together we bring love to this tired old world, one person at a time. Until then, may you walk the path of love. savannah

sugar and overeating

My friends are amazed and maybe even inspired by my abrupt shift with sugar and over eating. I no longer crave it and for the first time in my life it is easy not to indulge in sweets or eat too much. I realize it is really very simple yet took me literally decades to find that place inside. It is now more pleasurable for me to eat in alignment with what feels good for my body then to have sugar, coffee or big portions. I am not saying I will never have sugar or coffee, just much less and maybe eventually none. Time will tell. Getting to this place was simple but not easy. Yet now it is. CELEBRATION!!

Later: Something I listened to tonight gave me another possible explanation for this seemingly miraculous shift. It might be that I am not longer chasing pleasure. I am also sure that it is largely a matter of Divine right timing, perhaps my moon is in the seventh house of something like that.